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Do I Have Factitious Disorder?

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Do I Have Factitious Disorder?

Postby Errorcupcake » Sun Jun 23, 2019 7:25 am

This might be a bit lengthy!
Okay so to start off, my childhood was kind of rough. My mom and dad divorced a bit before I was born. I lived with my mom & brother. Growing up I was sexually & emotionally abused by my family. I never felt loved or cared for. Once I was 10; I started feeling repulsed by my mom trying to show affection. Actually anyone in my family trying to express love or care for me made me feel gross because of all the abuse.
When I was a kid although, I soon learned that crying meant getting attention. So whenever someone did something I didn’t like; I would cry. I cried all the time; I was known for being a cry baby. I was sensitive; but I mostly did it because it would get me sympathy and attention. I used it to manipulate people into feeling bad for me.
Fast forward a couple years; I was 10 when I got my very own laptop. I would go on it all the time. I would go on a bunch of those online avatar/ chat games. I ended up meeting someone, we bonded over mutual interests and they were the same age as me. We ended up discovering anime together and it was really cool. Although, we started watching those super edgy and bloody ones. We both really were into the characters who seemed ‘insane’. We both seemed to enable each other and would call ourselves crazy. It lead to self diagnosing ourselves as schizophrenic. It got to the point where it seemed like a game; who was the craziest one. We both started telling each other about our ‘hallucinations’ which were completely made up; we’d talk about harming animals, people, and ourselves. Once we both turned 12; this started to die down. She started acting more normal, but I was still pretending I was schizophrenic, psychopath, or generally just mentally deranged. I don’t know why, but I thought it was ‘cool’ and I liked the attention it gave me. I told my friends about it, school counselors, literally anyone but my family. I started self harming, I even hurt animals for awhile (which I now deeply deeply regret). I heavily got into true crime, gore, and anything morbid like that. I bragged about liking scary things and being so ‘crazy’. I got a lot of negative attention for it, but attention was attention to me. This made an abrupt stop when I realized I didn’t want that sort of attention; I turned 13 and realized I wanted people to see me as soft and someone they need to take care of. So insead I turned to an eating disorder, I lost weight, I started heavily self harming, I went to therapy, and got on medication. I realized I was getting ‘better’ which I hated; so I stopped taking my medication and started stashing it. I turned 14 and then got into drugs, alcohol, and I started having a bunch of anxiety attacks. The anxiety attacks were real; but I’d make a big deal about them afterwards. I wanted people to know how bad my anxiety was; I wanted people to know how badly I was spiraling. One night, I took all stashed medication and a bunch of other medication to attempt suicide. I also cut my neck and arms a lot; told my cousin, and was taken to the hospital. At the hospital I lied about hearing voices, seeing things, and a couple other things just so I could seem more unstable than I was. I was taken to a psychiatric hospital for awhile and then everything seemed fine till I got into a relationship. I stopped seeing my therapist at this time. That relationship was my first actual relationship and I feel so bad for my ex girlfriend looking back at it. I am a severely jealous and possessive person. I never was openly toxic about it; but anytime I felt like she wasn’t giving me enough attention I’d relapse in my self harm, I’d stop eating, I wouldn’t sleep for days, or I’d do something harmful just to get attention. When she broke up with me after a year, I contemplated attempting suicide just to get some sympathy from her. I didn’t (thank god). That happened when I was 15-16; after the relationship I went on tumblr. I found out was Borderline Personality Disorder was and really resonated with it. I do think there’s a strong possibility I have it; but once I found out what it was? I ran with it. I told people I had it and everything. By the way, I still was talking to that person I met on those avatar/ online chatting games. We became good friends. Anyway, when I was 17 I decided to pretend I had Dissociative Identity Disorder. I do actually suffer from mild dissociation, also derealization & depersonalization, but I fully committed to pretending I had D.I.D. I looked up a bunch of documentaries, did research on people who had it, and told my new therapist I had it. I even told some friends and a family member. I wrote about it in my journal and did research on treatment for it. At that point I relapsed badly from my eating disorder and lost more weight. I started smoking cigarettes, drinking heavily, and smoking a ton of weed. I relapsed in my self harm so badly that I needed stitches at one point. My mentality was just to self destruct so badly that people HAD to pay attention to me. Once I moved schools it was hard, I lost a lot of friends and didn’t have anyone really so getting attention was hard because I barely had anyone in my life that I wanted attention from. Then I turned 18, I stopped pretending I had D.I.D and seemed to have gotten better. I got into a relationship which went downhill real fast for other reasons but yeah. The new friends I did make, I found myself getting really possessive over. Anytime I saw them not paying enough attention to me, I would get really depressed and apathetic. At one point I almost attempted suicide because of how lonely I felt and I thought if they knew how bad I felt, they’d care more. I often fantasize about ending up in a psychiatric hospital again and having people visit me. I just want more than anything to be happy, loved, and cared about. The only times I felt that way have been when I’ve been really depressed so people overly comfort me, care for me, and give me too much attention. So I guess in my mind I made the connection that: how mentally ill I am = how much love I get. At this point; I’m almost 19 and I have recently been mimicking the symptoms of people who have ADHD. I don’t say I have it; but I just pretend like I do because a lot of cool people I admire have it. It seems like the funniest, most creative, and loved people have ADHD. So now I’m mimicking the symptoms and that’s just where I’m at now. I’m scared to get a therapist and tell them about all of this because I feel like they will see me as not trustworthy, manipulative, and just an awful person. I feel like I’m an awful person because I seem to be playing with people emotionally just so they can care for me. I hate myself for it; but I feel so lost. I don’t know if anyone will read this; but if someone does? I hope you can tell me what to do, if you relate, or anything. I just need guidance because I feel so lost?
Errorcupcake
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