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Conscious Decision

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Conscious Decision

Postby Selfless74 » Sat Mar 03, 2018 11:24 pm


For me, until recently, even surgery wasn't a conscious decision.

How do I know? When I broke my kneecap, I'd began a 12 Step program, and asked one question that separated this from others, "I am not signing anything until you tell me more," and then was told, "it's broken in half, an inch to spare."

Ok, now can I have something for pain?

This makes it now a conscious one.

I watched a woman on Dr. Phil, who is a narc through and through, and a moron. He is the male version of oh, forget it.

Asking if she liked pain, etc.

When I spoke to psych at Mayo, I live nearby, I told him i felt the literature, is way too Freudian and narcissistic. No, the woman on Dr. Phil, doc? She hates it, she just feels better.

No meds, no weed. Dual diagnosis treatment, DBT and EMDR.

And no weed, it was changing me.

There Is treatment, you only have to have the constitutional capability to be honest and accept direction. Admitting this is the first step.

I disagree with Dr. Feldman and yes, Mayo's literature, at,first, MAYBE, but I never as far back as the second grade when this started, was it ever a conscious decision.

But when I spoke to psych at Mayo, I told him about the woman on Dr. Phil, and I think this is being heard now.

It is what you do that makes it a conscious decision, the 12 steps, and the right help. And the 12 Step program is crucial, the 4th Step must be 100% and the psych at Mayo said it's a long road but that I'm doing the right thing.

And if I am not sleeping because of a guilty conscience, ignore the local psych doc on the sleeping pill. It doesn't work for that, I told him.

I commented to him that I think the shrink I saw locally with amends letters for her to look at, she says, "Don't do that, if you can't sleep, here, take this." (Sleeping pill).

I said I didn't feel it was a solution, and I thought she was crazy. Definition really.

Treat the cause.

Scary implications, but I do think none of this stops overnight.

Killing myself wasn't an option. Selfish enough.

I did say my job, was also my amends, I can't keep being a drain on people, and though I make $10/hr, my financial amends where I can, is my signature agreeing I don't get to act like that anymore, that takes time. And I am not working yet, again, but that's my ability to stay honest.

If I could ever post something to people online, it's that I am sorry for what I am.

I saw good people who thought they were helping, and I can say at the time, there was more to it.

The bigger you screw it up, the better you feel.

I want my life to be about what any recovery is, everyone comes in as a king, and goes out as a servant. To learn some humility.

I used to think there was no treatment and little hope, the current thinking on the subject is skewed is all, but do not talk to Dr. Phil about awateness!!!!!!!! :lol:

Diagnosis: Factitious Disorder, recovered (1 year on 1/17/2018)

Medication: Lamotrigine (100mg twice daily)-indication, nerve pain, helps mood too.
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