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my memory is coming back

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my memory is coming back

Postby chexmix » Mon Jan 29, 2018 10:32 am

i am safe and in a loved environment. no contact with abuser for 10 years.


its coming back in waves, its such a bizarre feeling. I'll disassociate a bit and it just kinda comes floating back and my brain expands and reaches into new depths. It feels like I've had different personas. I have never in my life felt this way but I'm starting to go into stronger waves of difficulty understanding reality from fiction. Then an hour later I'll feel more clear headed. Most of these memories were of abusive situations. One was when I was 2, I know this because my abuser told me the story when I asked about it as a teenager. Story is typical, after enough poking and prodding we all tried to hug one of the medical workers and that medical worker just that once hugs you back and holds you and protects you.

I guess they don't protect but it felt like it in those arms. What are these memory recalls? Why am I having them now? It's been happening for 3 days and I'm at the point now where I suspect something either truly horrific to surface or its all hopefully done now. I remember my abuser sexually abusing me at like 2 years old so I can't imagine its any worse. When this first happened I felt like my different personas were combining. I felt loved and safe. I felt like something has been controlling a part of me and protecting me this whole time and now its gone and i dont know whats going on.

Of course I mean this in a psychological sense. We must assume my brain has been protecting itself from trauma this whole time. For me, it took my significant other to convince me once and for all that I wasn't capable of harming anyone like my abuser did and that I should never ever doubt how horrific my abuse was. But now I feel free. I feel really good and balanced. No idea if this will last but I'll check back into to report.


We need more people on here talking. Our experiences will help others who've been through what we have.
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Re: my memory is coming back

Postby Holodeck » Mon Jan 29, 2018 1:27 pm

chexmix wrote:i am safe and in a loved environment. no contact with abuser for 10 years.


Thank goodness for that at least.

I guess they don't protect but it felt like it in those arms. What are these memory recalls? Why am I having them now? It's been happening for 3 days and I'm at the point now where I suspect something either truly horrific to surface or its all hopefully done now. I remember my abuser sexually abusing me at like 2 years old so I can't imagine its any worse. When this first happened I felt like my different personas were combining. I felt loved and safe. I felt like something has been controlling a part of me and protecting me this whole time and now its gone and i dont know whats going on.


I wasn't sexually abused by my abuser, but I remember random thoughts like this from time to time. My abuser gasslighted me a lot. Lots of folks quietly tried to treat me nicely, but didn't quite know what was up. I was always sick...but why? Also why is this mother bragging about being such a good mom while she should be concentrating on getting her kid better? Why does she rarely if ever take her kid to the doctor even though her kid is always sick? Why does she keep claiming it's just a non-fatal allergy as if it's pollen in the air?

Of course I mean this in a psychological sense. We must assume my brain has been protecting itself from trauma this whole time. For me, it took my significant other to convince me once and for all that I wasn't capable of harming anyone like my abuser did and that I should never ever doubt how horrific my abuse was. But now I feel free. I feel really good and balanced. No idea if this will last but I'll check back into to report.



The brain tries to protect us a lot. I dissociate a bunch too, and lose memory of even present events (fairly certain they remind me of past times). I have seriously bad intrusive thoughts, and I can only imagine yours. I'm glad it seems to be getting better.
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Re: my memory is coming back

Postby Selfless74 » Tue Jan 30, 2018 2:32 am

Mine is as well (memory).

The abuse wasn't sexual. It was what is known as gaslighting, I think it's why also that I first developed the psychiatric version of an FD-schizo even, because what I do, what I am, is worse, right?

When someone else convinces you that you're crazy-and then also indoctrinates anyone who will listen, since it is my mother who has the nice house, car, etc-and what I have been until now, until I began to work my program, was always worse. She tells people I am lazy, that I am "incompetent" (having done so when I was living in Omaha last year-calling police, filing a "missing persons" report" with the SVU-glossing over the GI issues, and focusing on making sure they were told I was incompetent and suicidal-I was nothing of the sort. What I told the officer was that "I know right where I am, it is right where I need to be, and I know exactly where that is."

He called her back and said if there is any other report like this one-and in ANY jursdiction-NE or any other, she will be charged with filing a false police report. Then it was "You manipulate the police." Really? Your job, dear.

And the worse part, when I was recovering from something else, such as it may be, she tells them I have a thought disorder (as in schizo) and not a cogitive one, and when I woke up, they were giving me an antipsychotic. I refused it, and told her we were through.

But early memories, those are returning, and feeds my sense of the need to self sabotage.
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Medication: Lamotrigine (100mg twice daily)-indication, nerve pain, helps mood too.
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Re: my memory is coming back

Postby Holodeck » Tue Jan 30, 2018 2:46 pm

Selfless74 I'm glad you refused the meds. I had the same type of situation happen with my mom. She drugged my dad with meds that were bad for him, and tried to do the same to me. I refused based on seeing how he reacted to them. She would claim she was trying to do what was best for me, and how I didn't appreciate her. It was like living in the film Misery.

My mom had Munchhausen's by proxy and my ex husband was all sorts of wtf crazy abusive (think of a gender swapped version of Gone Girl mixed with Jack Nicholson from The Shining for 7 years). Both gas lighted me, so I wound up having about 27 years worth of indoctrination to the point where I actually schizo traits (schizoid pd). That dx was given to me long after I left the two of them. I do believe it's accurate for me (though I think it could really be the effects of PTSD + my mood disorder).

P.S. I don't recommend any of the above films if you lived through anything like that, and especially not while in a low. Gone Girl alone messed me up for a looong time.

I also want to add. Even if you feel like the memories aren't real, try to work out a means of closure for them with a therapist. The may not be completely accurate. Sometimes the brain remembers things a lil differently. Sometimes things are more or less traumatic due to how we think at a certain age. Point is to try to work on a form of closure with your therapist based on what you feel whether or not you know for sure it's real. Your feelings are real whether or not you can decide if your memories are.
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Re: my memory is coming back

Postby Selfless74 » Tue Jan 30, 2018 3:15 pm

My memory issues (cognitive ones) are related to short to long term memory. I can hear something and in a couple minutes, cannot remember it all. Or remember some of it AT all.

Long term memory, is very intact. I can remember my earliest childhood memory as if it was yesterday-and I think I was 2 or 3 maybe at the time.

Then it seems to me that your "schizoid" issues are more of a trautatic memory one. That's a protective measure you take-to preserve yourself.

Translation: mental illness means you are human. Some are more distinclty so-and it means you have a great emotional IQ.

Nothing wrong with that one. Points in your favor.

For me, they usually will give an antidepressant and some Xanax-I prefer weed.

None of it, though, will make you honest. Work a program, and you become that. And then, it is always going to get better.
Selfless74

Diagnosis: Factitious Disorder, recovered (1 year on 1/17/2018)
PTSD

Medication: Lamotrigine (100mg twice daily)-indication, nerve pain, helps mood too.
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Re: my memory is coming back

Postby Holodeck » Tue Jan 30, 2018 3:22 pm

Selfless74 wrote:My memory issues (cognitive ones) are related to short to long term memory. I can hear something and in a couple minutes, cannot remember it all. Or remember some of it AT all.


Sometimes my bipolar mood disorder makes me that way, but if I'm stable I remember things well.

Long term memory, is very intact. I can remember my earliest childhood memory as if it was yesterday-and I think I was 2 or 3 maybe at the time.


I can remember a lot, but feel like there are important bits missing that I probably don't want to remember.

Then it seems to me that your "schizoid" issues are more of a trautatic memory one. That's a protective measure you take-to preserve yourself.


Yup yup.

For me, they usually will give an antidepressant and some Xanax-I prefer weed.


Yup my bipolar meds seem to be helping. I've been slowly getting some emotion back in weird spurts, but at least it's getting there.

None of it, though, will make you honest. Work a program, and you become that. And then, it is always going to get better.


Been getting help once a week for over a year. I can say it's helped a ton. Finding someone who understands your issues, doesn't push, and you can trust is a huge help.
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