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Dr. Hyde of Munchausen (Warning: Lengthy content)

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Dr. Hyde of Munchausen (Warning: Lengthy content)

Postby alfa » Wed Oct 25, 2017 4:00 pm

Hi there, wishing you a good day. I'm not sure if this is a good choice, to open up about what I feel here. But I just need a place to share within the same group. I don't know I suffered Munchausen until recently, as I watch The 9th Life of Louis Draxx and do some research. Who knows, behind the sweet, loveable, strong fighter me, there is a monster lie inside..

I come from a big family of 9. Everyone gets a little bit of attention. When I was a kid, I always witnessed my parent arguing with each other. They would also scream in public and make chaos upon fighting. I hate it most when people stare at us and make faces. When I was in primary school, I craved for attention. But anyway I do, I will just get scolded by my parent. So I plan for getting their attention by self-hurt and falsify simptomps. I start with falsify minor health problem like fever. I started trained myself how to pretend fainting when I was 9. I love the feeling that I sick and getting all the love. Sometimes I will lie down and imagine I'm being rushed in an ambulance to the emergency room. With all the fuss in ER. I love it!. But I don't pretend to faint until 10 years later. You can imagine how good I become.

When I was in my junior high school, I started to falsify more severe simptoms such as migrain. I would pretend to be very sick and force myself to vomit to make it real. The love for hurting myself become worse rapidly up to a point I cut my hands with knife in class and pretend it to be an accident. It bleed terribly and the class in a big fuss and I'm proud about it. I love it! How sick! Then I graduated high school and further my study. Things become more severe. I keep falsify fainting in university and getting help from my friends. The thing is, I don't just like the sensation of hurting myself, the bleeding. I love the way I became a 'fighter', 'strong' person in the eyes of other.

But it is not enough. As the love for being hurt, small bleeding isn't enough. I drove my car so fast and collide with a concrete divider wall on the highway intentionally, pretending it to be an accident of course. But I don't wanna die. I just wanna be badly hurt.. unfortunately(or fortunately), nothing happend. Not even a bruised. Maybe I don't drive fast enough to get a big impact. Anyway, I still managed to get a lot of attention. When I get back after the accident, I force myself vomitting a lot, my friends rushed me to an ER as they suspect me for having internal injury and Bingo!! I smiled. It is not the stop. At the end of my collage life, I falsify of being raped. I drive myself out that night, I cut some part of my face and a big cut in my hand, pretending that I am a fighter and rape survivor. I drove back and shocking my roommates. Only them and my bestfriend 'know' that I was raped. After that, I received a lot of love, advices, attention from them. I've been accompanied, and I like it.

Now, years after all those incident that I made up. I look into myself. How monstrous I have become. How disgusting I am. How this is so wrong on so many level. I keep lying to others up to a point I can't distinguish between my lies and reality anymore. I can't discover the thin line of becoming my-real-self and my self-hurt, liar identity anymore. All get mixed up. As I look back through-out these years I can only see the opportunity I have missed, the classes I have missed. The knowledge and virtues I have missed. I can't even graduate on time because as I pretend to be sick. I don't know myself anymore. One side of me is so kind, warm-hearted, tender lover towards others, I was also active in clubs and NGOs. I love to spread love. But the darker side of me is so horrifyingly ugly

I want to stop this. I cried a lot about this. Sometimes I begged myself to stop hurting me. But the other side of me is just so strong. I want to be myself and have a confidence in myself. I want to recover from this mental illness. I want to help others. I want to spread love. But my country doesn't have strong support on mental illness and whenever I tried to talk to my friends about my sanity, they just cut me off and said "you're just over thinking and exaggerating. It is all in your head" Maybe I need to prepare myself financially for the private therapist/psychiatrist which cost a hell lot of money. Pray for me and wish me luck!

Here is some cliche': sorry if my English annoyed you, I've tried my best not to ^^

Best regards and congrats for reading it all to the end,
Have a great blessed life,
Let's grow together,

Sincerely,
alf
alfa
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