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about me? maybe not Munchausens exactly but i need advice

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about me? maybe not Munchausens exactly but i need advice

Postby nothinggirl123 » Tue Oct 10, 2017 3:15 am

i feel this.
I've struggled with anorexia, depression and self harm since I was 10. they were organic, except for anorexia, which began as a conscious choice and spiraled, but sometimes I would fantasize about being so skinny and sick that everyone would pay attention to me, that i would be noticed, special. i would latch onto people and hurt myself to get their love. i would cut deeper so they would tend to me i relished it. but on the other hand, cutting is something that i can't stop that helps my pain. i would never cut specifically to get attention, but sometimes i'd use it in that way after the fact, or for validation. just like anorexia was primarily a mental disorder but sometimes i'd manipulate my blood pressure ext to seem sicker.
a doctor i trusted said i must have been abused, that there was no other explanation. he convinced me that it was true. and i convinced myself. i knew it wasn't true, but i lied, i faked flashbacks, i wanted a neat answer and i wanted people to care about me.
im 19 now and i miss being anorexic i hate my body yes but i also wish that people treated me like they did when i was skinny. i miss being sick.
i have this idea that if i get sick enough i can reset everything bad about my life and how much i hate myself that only if i get low enough i can go uphill
i have such a hard time now differentiating between what i feel truly and what i "want" to feel or pretend to feel. i can't find the line anymore.
I'm just so confused.
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Re: about me? maybe not Munchausens exactly but i need advice

Postby sobergal » Sun Oct 22, 2017 8:46 pm

Have you ever read about the characteristics of borderline personality disorder? I used to think I suffered from so much -- alcoholism, bulimia, depression, gambling, suicidal ideation since age 6, compulsive overeating, never feeling like I mattered--a therapist said I had characteristics of borderline personality disorder. What? I looked it up. For me, it put all of me into one diagnosis. More importantly, when I read about cognitive behavioral therapy which is what is helping me, so much of my life, thinking, addictions and behaviors started to finally make sense.

I have always wanted to matter; I used to do many, many things to get people's attention to say, "hey, something is wrong here, please stop what yo're doing and pay attention to me!!"

Only yesterday out of curiosity did I spend time on this forum. I don't have Munchausens but I can identify with some of the feelings and actions.

Regardless of whether you have BPD, Munchhausens or not, I just felt compelled to acknowledge your post. If you feel compelled, I would encourage you to read about BPD as I'm not sure your therapist's assessment has considered this diagnosis and/or explanation.
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