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How do you break out of the loneliness? Time is running out.

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How do you break out of the loneliness? Time is running out.

Postby malfif » Sun Aug 11, 2019 9:27 pm

*mod edit*


I'm a woman who turns 28 this year, and I'm still a virgin who has never dated anyone or even kissed, and the last time I got a hug was several years ago.

I just can't see things improving. I live in a country with a small population, and my munch father (with help from my divorced narc mother) find me everywhere I go. I broke off contact with them 4 or 5 years ago, and they still managed to find out that I'm in therapy, and they keep calling the place trying to trick the staff into giving them information about me.

When I was 24 and admitted to a locked psych unit after my suicide attempt (after breaking off contact with my family), my mother phoned the unit shortly after my arrival to let them know that she knew I was there. How did she know? Because she had reported me as a missing person, and gotten the police to give out information about me that way.

The psych staff didn't fall for her tricks, but outside of psychiatry, I'm totally alone with no support whatsoever. My parents have even gotten the bosses at my previous places of employment sucked into their "concern for my health".

They even found out where I studied because one of the staff members at the school (whom I had never even met) recognized my surname and told my parents about it.

I have never been to a dance class, or joined a crafts group, or done anything fun or friendship-seeking my whole adult life, because I don't want to risk getting sucked back into my dad's munch insanity that it took me almost a decade to escape (and I'm still not free of him).

And now I'm approaching 30, and have nothing to show for it. Even if I would be able to get someone initially interested in me, nobody wants a loser with so much messed up bagage and no self-esteem or experience of a normal life. And if I told a potential boyfriend about what my parents have done to me, then there's a very big risk that he will subconciously start to wonder if I might actually be mentally ill.

It's silly, but I keep thinking about that Sherlock series on BBC - "you can't kill an idea". It's like I'm a magnet for people who want someone to diagnose. People treat me like a normal person until they hear that there is something wrong with me, and then they just believe it with no proof.


I'm still fit enough to have some shallow value, but once I start to age I'll just be a wrinkly, messed-up person whom people will assume has been lonely her whole life for good reason. I don't want to spend 40 odd years being a complete outkast, so I'll kill myself before that happens.
Last edited by realityhere on Mon Aug 12, 2019 9:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: moved thread to MBP forum
malfif
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