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Morality and HSV-II

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Morality and HSV-II

Postby Feenix » Tue Dec 04, 2012 6:33 am

Seven years ago I had a minor outbreak, (1 sore), and I was diagnosed with HSV Type 2. Not surprising, considering the man I had been seeing got raging outbreaks frequently. For years I wouldn't have sex with men, or I was very honest and diligent about sharing with potential partners what I had. Then...something happened, I'm not sure how to explain it, but I never had another outbreak again, and as years passed and I read more about the minimal likelihood of transferring it or even having it if you don't have an outbreak and the unreliability of tests for this std, I convinced myself that I either no longer had or had never had this disease. Now I KNOW how irresponsible and stupid this is, but sometimes the power of denial is a powerful thing, and I hope that if you've never experienced it to this magnitude you won't judge me, because what I felt was awful and what came of it was worse, but I really need advice.

Eight months ago I got into a relationship with a handsome young man that I had been friends with for a year, and knew would probably be clingy and highly emotional. We began to see each other and were having unprotected sex almost immediately. A month later..big surprise...(it was to me!) He is diagnosed with HSV-II. Now of course he was furious, and I was hysterically apologetic, and it was a very emotional few months, but we got through it.

While we were together "" was very emotionally abusive. He would call me a c****, wh***, b****, s***, you name it. The names went on, he especially would tell me how evil I was for what I had done. While it stung terribly, I took this abuse because I felt like I deserved it, and because he could be sweet a lot of the time.

However, the more I research it, the more that I see that he really is an emotionally and verbally abusive individual, and I think that he would have turned on me in this way whether I had done what I did or not. (NOT that, that excuses it by ANY means).

So here comes the situation. We are broken up for nearly two months, which means we are finally almost weaned off of each other. We live in diff. states which helps, but the other day he sends me flowers and then last night he calls me saying that he's going to go out and f*** as many women as possible without protection and see how long it takes for him to get AIDS. I know it would be better for both of us not to speak, but since I feel so responsible for what he has, and him in a way, I begged him not to. I said what about God? (he's christian) What about these poor unsuspecting women? What about YOUR health? I was able to get him to go home from a rave, but now he's saying it was a mistake to go home and feels that he should go on a sex binger, sleeping with as many people as possible as unsafely as possible to either get back at me or "learn the hard way" or something.

Am I responsible for him? Should I keep trying to get him to stop? I feel like I really have no control over what he does, and I have changed my behavior since I re-found out what I have. I will never be in denial again, but he is fixing to do some terrible things, and I feel like it's all my fault.
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Re: Morality and HSV-II

Postby Ada » Tue Dec 04, 2012 6:12 pm

You are not responsible for him. It's also not your fault. Yes, you should have mentioned the HSV-II, but whoever gave it to you didn't mention it either. It's in the life category "sh1t happens". And how he deals with it is his choice. To set out to "get AIDS" and pass this on as much as possible in the meantime is an irrational choice and a sign of unbalanced thinking. And it makes me wonder if you DID give him HSV in the first place, or if he'd had it for years and it just stopped being dormant during your relationship [perhaps because of stress.]

I "hope" he's just being a complete bastard to you and isn't serious about what he's suggesting. His anger is disproportionate to the situation [in my opinion] so perhaps he's acting out anger at the relationship ending, or not having anyone to abuse. And when I say "I hope" I don't mean that's a good thing either. It's definitely not something you deserve. Or should have to put up with. I just mean it's mind games, rather than being the beginning of activity with consequences for others, as well as his own health and situation.

In terms of what to do, I wonder if he'd go ahead with it if he didn't have an audience. If you stopped talking to him completely. It seems like he's still looking for ways to abuse you and that this is a way to guilt-trip your good nature. If he were here I'd be immediately suggesting going to a therapist as he clearly has issues beyond a non-fatal STD. You aren't a therapist [and if you are, you couldn't be his, morally.] I'm not sure what else you can do.

Also, unless he's planning to rape anyone [if you suspect that, please please call the police!] the women he may have sex with are equally responsible for protecting themselves. I know that doesn't simplify it completely, but perhaps it helps a little.
We think too much and feel too little.
 More than machinery, we need humanity.
 More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.


Charlie Chaplain in The Great Dictator
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Re: Morality and HSV-II

Postby Feenix » Wed Dec 05, 2012 8:51 pm

Thank you for the reply. It was very helpful.
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Re: Morality and HSV-II

Postby HesDeltanCaptain » Mon May 13, 2013 11:13 pm

Legally, many jurisdictions now say having unprotected sex knowing you have HIV is tatamount to attempted murder. Dunno about other conditions. But the sentiment is there. Wouldn't worry about trying to bring G-d into it. Average Christian knows less about their own faith than the average tea leaf knows about the East India Company.

You're not responsible for what an ex-lover does after you split. You're responsible for infecting him with HSV-II (assuming it's verifiably from you.) But not what they do afterwords. Would advise not having any contact with him any more. He just wants to stab you every chance he gets with guilt and worry. Nothing good will come from it.
"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I pretended to be." - Me.
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