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How can I learn to be a man?

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How can I learn to be a man?

Postby Carl86 » Mon Mar 19, 2012 7:56 am

Hello,

I'm a 25-year-old schizophrenic male from Germany. First of all I must say that I like that there is a forum for men only. I also respect that there is a female-only forum. There are some sites on the web intended for one gender where the other gender just joins the discussion which I never understand. Why can't these people respect boundaries?

Anyways, I want to learn how to become a man. I'm already a man age-wise, but I don't feel like one. I still live at home which may contribute to this feeling, but so far I haven't had the guts to move out. Many schizophrenics live at home even when they're grown, as far as I know.

I live with my mother and her father, my grandfather. It's his house. My Mom never really cut the cord with this house, she always moved back home and took me with her. My Dad is american and lives in the US. I'm having a hard time with him. Right now I feel like I don't need a father. If my Dad died right now I wouldn't care. He can be a very strict person, my Mom is the extreme opposite, extremely lenient. My Dad and I very rarely speak on the phone and we rarely exchange emails. He sometimes says he loves me, but I can't feel it. But I don't really care, I must say.

It may be due to the medication I'm taking or whatever that I can't remember my past that well. As a matter of fact it feels like I haven't lived prior to my illness. I seem to have forgotten pretty much everything about my life. But I still remember that my Dad lost his composure on the phone once and called me a m****rf****r among other things. Also my parents and I lived together in the US for a couple of years and there he pushed me to the ground once. He says he felt threatened by me. My Dad is a big guy so it's ridiculous that he felt threatened by me. He was exaggerating. Then, when I was about 5 or so he pushed my Mom to the ground once. Now they live separated, but they're still married.

I know that I probably can't become a man in a day or two, but I want to lay the foundation to become one. Do I really depend on my Dad so much to become a man?? What can I do right now other than moving out?? Maybe I need to carry more responsibility, but I refuse to help my mother and grandfather. The situation I live in is pretty bad. I don't get along with the people in this house and thus I refuse to help them. They don't respect each other and I don't respect them. I wish my grandfather would die because I feel that he's such a burden. I feel bad everytime he's around, but I can't get myself to move out. There are places where I could go, but I don't really like them.

Back to my question: what can I do to become a "real man"?
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Re: How can I learn to be a man?

Postby Yuma » Thu Mar 22, 2012 6:02 pm

Hello,
I'm a guy, but I don't know how really, and there's cultural differences here, and I only just started reading this board myself, but -

It sounds, from this and your other post, like your home situation is pressured and difficult, and there's been some boundary issues. What don't you like about the places you could move to? Do you have support to move and to cope on your own if you decided to?

I got the feeling you maybe would like some guidance from your Dad, but you feel he's too strict or doesn't understand you, and it can become too confrontational. If so, is there any way you could try telling him that, or maybe ask someone else to help the two of you to improve communication between you?

As for taking on responsibilities, I don't know, is there any work (paid or voluntary) that you do or might want to do outside the house?

You don't mention anything about developing sexual/romantic relationships which I might have expected given the post title but maybe that's not an issue for you.
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Re: How can I learn to be a man?

Postby eye_aint_got_no_body » Wed May 30, 2012 2:43 pm

Carl86 wrote:I know that I probably can't become a man in a day or two, but I want to lay the foundation to become one. Do I really depend on my Dad so much to become a man?? What can I do right now other than moving out?? Maybe I need to carry more responsibility, but I refuse to help my mother and grandfather. The situation I live in is pretty bad. I don't get along with the people in this house and thus I refuse to help them. They don't respect each other and I don't respect them. I wish my grandfather would die because I feel that he's such a burden. I feel bad everytime he's around, but I can't get myself to move out. There are places where I could go, but I don't really like them.

Back to my question: what can I do to become a "real man"?


A good start is by accepting responsibilities for your own actions. You're going to find it hard to "feel like a man" when you're still living at home with your mother. Most guys want to get out of that situation as soon as possible and be out "on their own.". If the home situation is as bad as you say I would think you'd want to get away from it anyway.

If you're going to stay there at east do something to carry your own weight and help out. Your attitude toward it now is rather childish:

I don't get along with the people in this house and thus I refuse to help them. They don't respect each other and I don't respect them.


How do you expect to respect yourself when you have no respect for other people?

What are you doing now to garner someones respect?
The further I get from the things I care about, the less I care about how much further away I get.
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Re: How can I learn to be a man?

Postby thoughtilovedher » Thu Dec 20, 2012 3:31 pm

Dude. I'm 53 and I have no idea. I think the distinction of boy to man is arbitrary and is perpetuated by insecure boy/men who want to feel they've reached a milestone. I think we're people, young then middle then old. I hope you can just be you.
BPD / PTSD / Rapid cycling mixed bipolar
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Re: How can I learn to be a man?

Postby MannyBoyMan » Tue Jan 08, 2013 3:27 pm

How to be a man? I have no clue I am 46 going on 12 so I tell most people. Oh I am a lot like the one who first asked the question resentful of parents but got out on my own at 19 and started walking working just gone moved away tried to move back 3 times and it would all fall to crap.

My life today is in shambles twice engaged and twice broken up.
Then ended up in a relationship that was destroying me and the other person.

I live somewhere right now where its great wish I could stay here for life ...but really supposed to be out by the end of month as short term agreement I told some of my friends I was giving up at the end of the month if housing didn't come through...giving up meaning I am sick of trying and just let things happen. I used to live on the streets before and I guess the ultimate will happen or I live on them again. I refuse to go to shelter as many bad things happened before there.

Being a man I cant even take care of myself ...I am on disability I may have to decide I am just incompetent of ever being able to have a life.

Many men in the USA are threatened by their own children because children can be close to the mother in no way a spouse can be. Often why you hear of many households not respecting each other the cycle continues bot meets girl= a lot like mother /girl meets boy= a lot like father
neither gets their way everything falls apart in relationship children feel unsafe and neglected.

My head understands a lot... my heart another story
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Re: How can I learn to be a man?

Postby madjoe » Sun Feb 10, 2013 1:05 pm

1st you have to know yourself
2 except yourself
focus on what you can do and what you can be for others is that's the problem
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Re: How can I learn to be a man?

Postby orion13213 » Thu Mar 21, 2013 5:59 am

-Like the others said, accept and honor yourself
-Accept responsibility for your actions, and therefore think of consequences, before you act
-Being a man is often associated with authority. First, respectfully ask questions - respectfully question authority. If you find it to be false, move along. If you find it to be legitimate, honor it. Try to see the difference between authoritarianism and being authoritative. True men are always aware that they have limits to what they can see, and aren't afraid to ask others for help.
-Allow others to find their own way, but also stand up for yours.
-Serve something bigger than yourself.
-Be patient, be satisfied with the progress you make every day. You learn to be a man until your last moment in life.

Just one of many Codes of Behavior, for contemplation (from Wikipedia):

The Bushidō Code is typified by seven virtues:
Rectitude (義 gi?)
Courage (勇氣 yūki?)
Benevolence (仁 jin?)
Respect (禮 rei?)
Honesty (誠 makoto?)
Honour (名誉 meiyo?)
Loyalty (忠義 chūgi?)

Associated virtues
Filial piety (孝 kō?)
Wisdom (智 chi?)
Care for the aged (悌 tei?)

Best of journeys,
Be tolerant of others, but true to yourself. In supporting you, I try to offer common sense. PM me if you need to.
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Re: How can I learn to be a man?

Postby camsfight » Mon Apr 08, 2013 11:17 pm

Well lets see how to be a man?Im 46 and I can only think of a few that might qualify as a maybe,"and no Im not going to repeat what the woman think a man is".
Nope not all all,I believe you should hold your head up,look toward what you want, ,work toward self respect and speak with conviction,other than that if information given you is correct keep ur word and enjoy life.
Hope this helps
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Re: How can I learn to be a man?

Postby ***THRIVE*** » Sat Sep 14, 2013 3:40 am

You are already a man, at least physiologically. I think what you are asking is how to 'come into your own' as a man. First, please know that coming into your own and becoming the man you are meant to be, does not require your father. There are many of us who could not depend on our fathers to show us how to become men, for various reasons. To be honest, in some ways, if you start looking to other men besides your father, you may end up having the best fathers possible. I know I did, not that I planned it that way. And yes, you can definitely have more than one man take the place, or act in place of, your father.

You can also see/learn more about the man you already are, or are becoming, in the relationships with guy friends in your age range. There was one particular friend I had years ago who really changed my idea of who I was, as well as what it was to be man, and what it was to be a friend, in the way that he treated me. It opened my eyes to a very different reality than what I had experienced growing up. He accepted me, even with all of my flaws, some of which were horrible, without complaint. This brought me closer to becoming the man I was meant to be. It taught me how to give that same acceptance to others, both male and female.

Also don't feel as if it is unusal to feel the way you do. I distinctly remember when I was 26, living on my own and making my own way. I still didn't feel like a man and still wasn't really sure how to be one. Sometimes I think we believe societal expections should somehow be markers of where we are in life. It doesn't work like that. Because even though I was on my own, making my own way, building a business, with all of those markers which society said made me a man, I still didn't feel like one. I do believe step one is recognizing you already are a man, simply because you've got the necessary equipment to be one, even if you might not yet feel like a man. You can be a man, but not yet have discovered what kind of man you are, or really would like to be.

The part of becoming the man you were meant to be can't really be described, I would think, because it is different for everyone of us as to how we get there. I do believe it is more about the process than the end goal of saying 'I have made it. Now I know I am a man.' It involves learning about yourself. What are your likes and dislikes? What are your strengths and weaknesses? What is/are your wounds? A real man knows these things about himself and can admit them, yet still knows he is a man. Actually, I am not sure I would say any boy/man has grown into a fully adult man unless he does know and can admit to his wound or wounds. The one who hides these things from himself and others, will never really be able to grow up, in my opinion. The better you know yourself, the stronger the man you will be.

Don't get caught up in what society labels as 'manly,' meaning ok for only men to do. Don't get caught up in what society labels as 'womanly,' meaning ok for only women to do. A father of a 5 year old girl who can help her play dress-up, would earn my respect as a real man and an excellent father, no matter if society said that should be 'the woman's job.' This is particularly true if that father can really get into it, as if he himself were a child, and keep his daughter totally engaged with it, while enjoying every, or almost every, minute of it. A man who can talk about his feelings (which some consider to be in the woman's realm), I wouild also respect more as a man, than a man who couldn't do it. Follow your heart. Don't worry about image.
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Re: How can I learn to be a man?

Postby CoffeeBlood » Sun Nov 10, 2013 9:58 pm

Let me start by asking you Who told you you're not a man? Most of m female friends refuse to date men who live with their parents. But this is all relative. For instance, in the past, upon marriage, the woman would move in her husband's house, right? Many times he would still be living with his parents and he was not seen less of a man. I think this aspect should disappear.

Most of the previous posters told you to learn how to be responsible. This is easily done, especially if you have a job. A job is very important to make you feel more of a man. It makes you financially independent. You can buy the food, clothes, gadgets you like. This WILL help your household in an indirect way. You can move out if you have and hold onto a job.

Going to the gym, or joining some martial arts club will teach you self discipline and respect. You can't respect others if you don't respect yourself first. Whoever said you fist need to show respect to others to respect yourself, was wrong. It doesn't work that way. Respect and trust are earned, not freely given like love. However, do try and be courteous/respectful towards women and the elderly...... [I myself have to work on my respect towards the elderly. Simply because they generally have been in my shoes and many times have good advice ;) ]

I hope this helps.
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You have the Free Will of choice on how you will use the given tools. You have to take responsibility.
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