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New, confused, and a little scared

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New, confused, and a little scared

Postby PerAspera » Mon Mar 23, 2020 11:43 pm

Hello all. I'm a 24 year old guy located in the United States. I am in the process of getting professional help (I have been referred at least but Covid-19 has delayed things a bit).

I have had many misdiagnoses. The most recent being BPD. However, due to the age at which I was diagnosed (15 years old, which I feel is very wrong) among other things I experience, I don't think that means much when the criteria stops fitting and only 2 or 3 of the 5 out of 9 required still apply. I am hoping this professional I will see can help.

I suspect I may actually have OSDD-1 of some sort. I have a trauma history. Regardless, I am in denial of this and worry I am faking things. I don't think what I went through was that bad and with what little I can remember, I feel no emotion for it. I don't even know if I am allowed to call it trauma. Feels like I am being overdramatic and taking spaces away from those who need them.

I've been calling my experiences and the maybe-people I feel in my head "fake" and that has been leading to some hardcore depression and ideation. Don't understand why since I don't want a system.

I've just been hellbent on not calling myself a system or anything until I can get a diagnosis that says that is what I am so I don't create some false presentation if I am not a system. I worry I could still have BPD or just some sort of anxiety disorder or psychotic disorder presenting similarly. Especially since what made me realize I may have a system was a series of episodes in which I either felt I was legitimately dying or felt as though I might die back in January & February. This went on for weeks.

That all said, I'll most likely be lurking rather than contributing. At least until everything is sorted and I know for sure.
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