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Is my ex an Avoidant?

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Is my ex an Avoidant?

Postby FireBird75 » Sun Mar 03, 2019 11:40 am

I was seeing this woman for four months. In the beginning, everything was super fantastic! She was intimate with me, displayed public affection, was always touching me/ leaning on me when we watched television. We were inseparable! It was the kind of relationship you see in a move- just happiness!

And then- I was hospitalized with a life threatening infection. Sepsis. I have a foot issue, and my foot got infected. The doctors told me they were worried that I wouldn't make it. I did though. This was the turning point in our relationship. I was actually readmitted to the hospital after spending 8 days. I don't think they found the infection the first time, and after being sent home, I had to return. She visited me in the hospital at least twice, but after the second time, she didn't come see me. At all. I spoke with her, and that's when all of the excuses started.

She began making excuses about why she couldn't spend the night. She always had something to do, all of the sudden. Now, she is a divorcee and is living in a house that has to be on the market soon, But all of these events just started to happen to her. She claims her dryer caught on fire. Her ex slashed her tire. She didn't have any money and couldn't pay for gas to come and see me. When I told her that I would come see her, she panicked, and told me that she doesn't want her ex "spouting off to me". What the heck? It seems like she was hiding something, but what?

We had made plans to go to a fancy restaurant to celebrate both of our birthdays, at least 4 weeks in advance. When my birthday rolled around, suddenly she didn't want to go there, She just wanted to get Mexican. I was shocked. She also claimed that her good clothes had burned up in the dryer fire. It just sounded like a lame excuse. She showed up at my business, and told me her stomach was upset, and she wasn't hungry, therefore we shouldn't go to this fancy restaurant if she wasn't going to eat. I was still kind of flabbergasted. Sad thing is, she told my employee, unknowing to men, that she already ate. So, we sat there for 2 hours, until I finally told her that I was hungry. We ate Mexican. We returned to my business, which is a bar, and we sat there all night. Her body language was NOT the usual. She sat very straight. She didn't kiss me, hug me, nor show any interest in me. My employee and her boyfriend totally saw this, and they asked me the next day if we got into a fight or something. Nope.

We hadn't been intimate in 2 months. No sex, no "heavy petting". I more than dropped the hint that I wanted to have sex on my birthday in our text message. She didn't respond. When we got in her car, I grabbed her elbow and told her the full moon had made me frisky. She didn't respond.

I broke up with her the next day. I was so frustrated and I have never felt more unwanted by a woman ever. I sent her a message that said- "I don't want to see you anymore. It's very obvious to me that you do not want to be in a relationship with me. Your behavior and actions are suspicious. I wish you well in accomplishing the things you need to get done." She replied very quickly with the simple word,"ok". That was it. It's been over a week.

She was continually sexually abused and a victim of incest as a child. From age 5 to 17. She told me her past the first night we met. It was a lot to digest, but I liked her.

She also made me tell her first that I loved her. She wouldn't say it first. She made a point of it. I had to say "I love" first.

Anyone ever deal with anything like this? Any professionals on this board. I am sure it's over between us, but I am trying to at least analyze just what the hell happened.
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Re: Is my ex an Avoidant?

Postby Parador » Sat Mar 09, 2019 4:24 pm

Does it matter? It's not a good idea to get involved with women who say they have been abused like that. I know guys who got falsely accused of domestic assault. Count yourself lucky. She wanted a rock to anchor her life on and when you got sick she realized you were't strong enough. It doesn't mean she's avoidant. If she was I think it would have been harder to get into the relationship in the first place.
Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.
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Re: Is my ex an Avoidant?

Postby FireBird75 » Thu Mar 14, 2019 11:20 am

Parador- you are right. I really did have feelings for her, but the big picture is that she is a liar and unstable. I can do better. Thanks for your response. It's much appreciated.
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