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Husband finds out he had Illegitimate child BEFORE we met

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Husband finds out he had Illegitimate child BEFORE we met

Postby worriedbuthopeful » Fri Feb 05, 2021 1:24 pm

We found out this past weekend that my husband has a 31 year old son that he didn't know about.  We've only been together since 2012 so this was not an affair and SHOULDN'T have an impact on our marriage.  But it is having a tremendous very unexpected effect on me.  WHY?!?!?!  My insecurities have skyrocketed.  I feel immense sadness, anger, resentment, jealousy.  I'm shocked at the depth of my emotions.  I understand my insecurities and self-esteem issues - they have been around for a long time but the anger, resentment and jealousy???  

I love my husband but I'm worried that is starting to fade.  I was so in love with him before this but now I'm scared.  How can I stop this?  How do I get past this?  Does this reaction seem at all normal? I'm so confused and now depressed.
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Re: Husband finds out he had Illegitimate child BEFORE we met

Postby Snaga » Fri Feb 05, 2021 3:30 pm

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

worriedbuthopeful wrote:Does this reaction seem at all normal?


Very. I think it's just Human nature.

No... unaccounted-for offspring; however my partner had quite more of a 'past', than I (which as far as I can remember, was 'little to none' in my case). It seemed as if we were always running into people that they, sharing in the spirit of openness, had been with. I found I began having a problem with that... and I had to get over it. Which I did. The past is the past- especially past that happens before you know someone. And it's not as if they'd been anything but upfront. And you can't be upfront, in your husband's case, if you don't know you have something to be upfront about.

So... I'd say you're being normal- and will have to work through it until you come to terms with it. I had those three emotions, just as you describe- the anger, resentment, and not a little jealousy. Envy, in my case, in a way. So... I just had to get over it. I understood that those emotions were my problem and that my partner had done nothing to me, to deserve them. They chose to wind up with me, after all.

The funny thing is, I'm the sort that would probably be okay with things like having an open relationship- in theory, at least. However.... human nature sometimes grabs your hair and jerks your head in the other direction, even if you understand that you don't really have an argument to support the position your emotions take.
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