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Need a psychologist to render an opinion about texts

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Need a psychologist to render an opinion about texts

Postby sparkymcsparkyson » Sun Aug 30, 2020 2:20 pm

My ex wife texted my daughter constantly last summer while my daughter was with my wife and I last summer. We suspected the sort of content that she was sending and so I grabbed the phone and took photos of the content that was going back and forth. Some of it was fine, but much of it was very, very concerning. My daughter has pulled away strongly emotionally, and I believe this is a big reason why. I believe my ex is manipulating my daughter's viewpoint of my wife and I.

In total, there are about 300 texts that are concerning. My lawyer wants me to find a psychologist or counselor who will read and analyze these texts, and weigh in on the impact that these texts can have on an 11 year old girl. One tricky thing is that I don't have a way right now to set them up to meet my daughter or evaluate her in person. They'll only be able to weigh in on the content of these texts.

Everyone I've spoken to so far says they would want to meet with my daughter as well before weighing in. So how can I find someone who can speak to the content of these texts alone? What sort of mental health professional should I be looking for?

For reference, here's a snippet from the texts that my ex sent my daughter that I'm so concerned about. In these texts, "X" is my ex-wife.

X: They (referring to my wife and I) always have to be in charge and control
X: This is their way of showing their power
x: See how important and in charge they are
X: See how much control they have over your life
X: See how you aren’t allowed to have a say in anything

X: She (referring to my wife) is so insecure
X: How sad for her that you are more mature than her

X: I think they just choose to be negative when it comes to you
X: That way they can justify their hate towards me and justify their terrible behavior towards you
X: It’s sick
X: He always has to be right
X: He always has to be in control
X: Can’t let anyone have a different opinion

X: There is no question in my mind that they have severely emotionally abused you

So yeah, obviously these are very concerning, and are only a small sample from the bad ones, so I'm hoping to find someone who can render a professional opinion. Appreciate any help.
Last edited by Snaga on Sun Aug 30, 2020 7:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: topic moved to Relationships-> Marriage & Divorce, with shadow link left in Child Abuse. No other changes.
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Re: Need a psychologist to render an opinion about texts

Postby Snaga » Sun Aug 30, 2020 7:44 pm

Hello, and welcome!

I think I would be showing that to a child psychologist, in the full context of course, with all the texts- I'm assuming there's nothing there on your part that would be indefensible- then I reckon I'd be seeing an attorney- or just take it straight to an attorney, and let them pick out an expert.

Some forum regulars might be able to offer some insight, if they've been in the same predicament- as far as an expert opinion I just think the phone book would be the best place to start. A therapist or other professional- there are no such resources here: being a peer support forum, speaking in a professional capacity as an authority figure would get even a resurrected Freud or Jung banhammered faster than it takes me to write this sentence- professional help isn't available here and is expressly against the forum rules, as many stubborn therapists have found to their disappointment.

Since this forum mostly deals with direct child abuse (and this sounds more like manipulation to poison her mind against you) I'll probably move this thread to Relationships, but I'll let a shadow link stand in this forum as well. We only allow one forum per topic, but in a few weeks if this thread doesn't pan out, perhaps a new one in the Significant Others forum (a month is a reasonable time to wait then something can be reposted elsewhere).

I've seen the grown-up results of that sort of thing- a birth mother, for example (well, actually not an example, exactly that) doing that to their daughter against her real father- and no matter how much he's tried to forge a relationship, she will forever blame him for stuff that has been presented to her singularly one-sided. Creating a very unstable relationship even as adults. It's shameful behavior on the part of a parent. I was the child of divorce and lived with my mother- as bad as she could get about wanting to know every detail of a weekend at dad's, she generally kept from trying to poison my mind, for which I'm thankful. Stepmother might have been more of a temptation, ha- she was a little on the wicked side anyway and didn't need any nudging for me to be wary of her.

Divorce from the child side sucks- really sucks- and the last thing needed is parents trying to use their children as revenge, or trying to get their kids to pick sides, when a child has enough to deal with, without that.

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Re: Need a psychologist to render an opinion about texts

Postby avatar123 » Wed Sep 02, 2020 10:06 pm

Sorry you are going through this. I agree with Snaga that it's actually hardest on your daughter. The best thing you could do is not respond or try to dispute this with her, which will put her in the middle. Rather, you can set an example by not reciprocating in your ex-wife's behavior, and just letting your daughter know, through words and actions and deeds, how much you love her. Your current wife can do the same. That will have more impact than anything else, and she will figure it out if she sees consistently that her mother's words are not true.

If she gets to the point that she wants to talk about it, so that she initiates, then you can answer her as honestly as you can, but not out of anger or resentment. Just the simple facts, and let her make up her own mind.

This is many years ago now, but when my parents separated, my father tried the same thing with all the kids. He constantly berated my mother and her family as well (who were helping us financially at the time), in an attempt to win us over. But it was pretty clear that he was the problem, without my mother ever really needing to say anything. Eventually he turned on the kids as well, when they supported my mother, and at that point it became very obvious to everyone what he was attempting to do.

Looking back on that now, it must have been hard for my mother to not respond in kind. I'm not sure I would have the same patience. But it was the best thing to do as we didn't have to argue to see what was true. Anyway I wish you well, I know it's a tough situation.
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