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Are the little things Abusive too?

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Are the little things Abusive too?

Postby self123 » Tue Apr 03, 2018 6:15 pm

I have been reading a book on controlling partners and there have been clear signs that my husband is controlling, but even though I am more aware of his behavior, I am having a hard time distinguishing what is controlling and what isn't for the day to day stuff. I will give a few examples of what has happened in the last few weeks:
1- My husband and I want to lose weight and eat healthier. I started to cut up fruit and veggies and I made him a smoothie each day for a week. He has mostly boiled eggs and peeled them. One evening he reminded me that I hadn't made a smoothie for him yet, and I said that I need to show him how to make one. He turned to me and said "oh, I knew that was coming" - implying that I would not be making his smoothies for the long haul. I quickly replied that I was just kidding and got up and made him his lunch for the next day.
2- The other day I was cleaning the house. The last few months I have not been cleaning at all and our house is a disaster. With spring coming, I put in a good 5 hours doing laundry, wiping down the kitchen, dusting and cleaning the entry way. Our entry way was pretty grungy so I decided to wipe down everything including the window blinds. I removed the blinds and took them to the bathroom and quickly cleaned them (about 15 minutes). Later that evening, I was explaining how easy it was to clean the blinds and my husband got frustrated with me and asked me "I don't want to start a fight, but that was the most important thing to clean at this time?" I had to justify that yes it was because of the dust on the blinds, and that it would benefit us later and that I didn't take a long time on them." He dropped the discussion, but I felt criticized.
3- The other night, he asked for a glass of water...well actually he said "you should get up and get me a glass of water." I told him that he could get up, and he looked at me and said (I think jokingly) I could get up as well and get him water. I stood my ground and didn't move, but neither did he...

Is he controlling and manipulating me, or am I being overly sensitive?
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Re: Are the little things Abusive too?

Postby Lilyonthepond » Tue May 08, 2018 4:06 pm

He is trying to manipulate and control you but It may not make him psychopath or abusive partner like in definition. Hemay struggle with something that he was not taught how to express. You should try to adress things calmly and talk to him directly about what worries you. Ask about his point of view and basically talk through things you both want and stuff you expect from each other. Let him talk and criticize you first and then reason with him calmly about what you need and want and what in your opinion middle ground should be. It may hurt you but it is important to stay composed while telling him that since he seems to be a person who easly gets angry, sullen and closed to any critique. Also tell him that it is important for you that you want both of you to be happy and you really want to have good and deep relationship with him.

He may try to offend you and pick a fight but you have to remain strong and try to treat him as you are someone that is helping him like good doctor. I know it's hard but I hope it goes well. Be strong and tell me how it went! ;)
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