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How to forgive?

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How to forgive?

Postby Natali » Tue Mar 27, 2018 6:44 am

I have been married for 10 years, 11 years together. Two years ago we separated for the first time, he left because I didn't trust him for a reason, he didn't let me speak, cry or anything.. When he left I went through depression for the first time in my life, it was a ''dark knight'' where I was praying not to wake up. I was completely dead from the inside.

After three months he came back, we were working so hard on our marriage, I gave myself completely to save what we had before, it was really a battle to win ourselves back, so difficult mentally and emotionally. The worst thing was ''not talk about it'' because it developed my anxiety in throat, I couldn't swallow food for some time. I felt I was choking.

It's been two years since then, we are great now, passion is back, closeness, love, again we are extension of each other in a way.

Few days ago, I found out he was instantly with someone else when he left me two years ago. I asked him about it, I was manipulating him that I know everything, so he went with that and admit everything. He was having sex with her, sometimes slept at her place just few days after he left. During that time he was telling me that he is depressed, that that is the worst period in his life, they had understanding at his job so gave him free days.

I just wanted the truth, so I was relaxed when we were talking, It felt good hearing the truth for once. I was focused on now, not what happened two years ago. But now, after few days, I can't stop thinking about him beside through what happened two years ago. I remember myself, in that bed, on pills, in depression, not wanting to live... I remember him, refusing to be beside me when I needed him as a friend, I remember his words that he is going through same. I remember him telling him that I go out with friends having fun that I am good (I went only once in three months and he knew it) and then I see him through that prism having sex with random girl right after our split, lying to me how he feels, telling me to give him time.

I have problems with forgiving, I don't know how to forgive now. How to let go of that and move on. I want to save our marriage, I really think of him as my family, but my heart is so broken. I know I am not making any sense... That's how I feel inside as well. I keep hugging my old self, from two years ago, in my mind. It maybe feels like feeling sorry about myself, but I haven't feel sorry for my self for a long time...
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Re: How to forgive?

Postby Wally58 » Tue Mar 27, 2018 9:00 pm

One can't rush forgiveness. It is a process and not an event. You have a lot of hurt to get through before you can get there.
He broke the vows. He lost your trust.
There are many people going through this same exact thing. There are 12-step groups and church groups of people who share their pain and experience and what they do now to deal with it.
It is one day at a time and you probably can't do this alone.
Google: 12 steps to forgiving infidelity; Relationships Anonymous; Recovering Couples Anonymous.
It helps to reach out in person. There is also good support on this forum.
Baby steps. Take care of yourself first. Best of luck to you. :D
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Re: How to forgive?

Postby Lilyonthepond » Tue May 08, 2018 5:41 pm

Your situation is very tough but if we are talking about forgiving we should remind ourselves that it is more of decision than feeling.

If you can, find yourself new enviroment, firends etc. It will be better for you to start new life. I hope you will get through this ;)
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Re: How to forgive?

Postby Gooffe » Mon May 21, 2018 6:05 am

Forgiveness doesn't mean you are pardoning or excusing the other person's actions.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you need to tell the person that he or she is forgiven.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you shouldn't have any more feelings about the situation.
Forgiveness doesn't mean there is nothing further to work out in the relationship or that everything is okay now.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you should forget the incident ever happened.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to continue to include the person in your life.And forgiveness isn't something you do for the other person.
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Re: How to forgive?

Postby OliverOli » Mon Jul 09, 2018 8:07 am

Gooffe wrote:Forgiveness doesn't mean you are pardoning or excusing the other person's actions.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you need to tell the person that he or she is forgiven.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you shouldn't have any more feelings about the situation.
Forgiveness doesn't mean there is nothing further to work out in the relationship or that everything is okay now.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you should forget the incident ever happened.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to continue to include the person in your life.And forgiveness isn't something you do for the other person.


I love the right philosophy. And here it is directly told to the point. It is necessary to read these lines
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Re: How to forgive?

Postby lensen » Thu Aug 02, 2018 3:44 am

How does he manage bad times? Some people fake date or sleep with others to forget the past. It is very common in men. They do the dirtiest when they are heartbroken.
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