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He's met someone new and wants a divorce

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He's met someone new and wants a divorce

Postby Wendy87 » Sat Aug 26, 2017 2:02 pm

Hi, I'm new so I'm hoping I've understood the rules and such ok. If not, someone please let me know.
My husband of 23 years met someone new, but it's a little complicated. We met her in person one day, almost exactly a year ago. She lives in China and we live in Spain. They maintained online contact, initially for language help (she's Chinese, and was studying Spanish in uni, and he's Spanish), but it developed into more. After just a couple months, she began asking him to act like her boyfriend, such as "Would you stay on the line with me while I fall asleep?" She always told him she was very lonely, and he sympathized. So did I, for that matter. But then in April, she told him she was in love with him. She's 22 - he's 52 (I'm 48). How many 50 something men COULD resist? So here we are.
He tells me it's been over for awhile, she's special, he's never felt like this before, she gives him more than I ever did (which is why he treats her better than he ever treated me) etc. etc. Yet. I'm still living with him. I don't have a job and my unemployment has run out, so it's either stay here with him, or go live with a sibling or more distant family member.
She's asked him for €20,000 in order to come here to study a masters in Spain (required by the government), and he's already sent her €6,000 and will soon send the rest. It's his money, he can do what he likes with it. The house is also completely his. He's not completely stupid - he's said that if she uses it to paint the town red, more power to her, so he's willing to take that risk. He's very happy and in love. I haven't seen him this happy in... 6 years? More? He says things like he doesn't want to think about the future of this relationship, just take each day and be happy. She's extremely needy, wants to be on the phone or video with him every single second they're not at work or otherwise occupied, and chatting/texting the rest of the time.
And my feelings are everywhere. I swim a lot, which I'm sure helps with stress, and cry almost daily, which also helps. He's told me that even if things don't work out with her, he doesn't want to resume our relationship, but he also said that if she never comes here, I can stay living with him as a roommate as long as I want. Initially he said I could stay even if she did come, as she'd like to be friends with me too (!) but I hope I'll be financially able to leave well before that time, which is most likely in Sept. 2018 (after she's accepted for a masters for the '18-19 schoolyear).
I've been roleplaying in my mind, like, what will I say if he ever does want to get back together? On the one hand, when he's with me (when she's not online) he's once again the man I fell in love with, especially cheerful and happy. I have to accept that it's either because he's no longer tied to me, or because he is tied to her, or some combination of the two. On the other hand, when he's with her... he does anything she wants, if it's possible. Sometimes he grumbles that she wants so much contact with him, but anything to make her happy. Things that he refused to do for me, he does for her even before she asks (because she gives him more than I did... apparently I never deserved his best...). He's never minded saying cruel things to me, although it wasn't frequent.
Sometimes it seems to me like a typical midlife crisis thing, but of course that doesn't mean it's temporary. It's hard for me to see it working for long, considering the age AND cultural differences. And I know I should get on with my life - I read some really good advice. "Don't think about what your partner is doing or who they're doing it with - keep yourself healthy and move on." But I'm having a hard time.
Until she comes, he'll keep me in his will and on his private work insurance. He'll give me free room and board (unless I can afford to pay something, which I hope will be soon). I'm hoping to start a new job from home, online, within the next few weeks, so we'll see how that goes. I'm also working on getting Spanish citizenship, and he's agreed to keep me on his bank account (the government wants proof that I won't need state help) until that's sorted out, which may be up to 2 years. I want the citizenship because it'll open up new possibilities of living in other countries in the EU. He also does all the cooking, while I take care of the cleaning. The one good thing is that I've lost my appetite. I hope to lose more weight, and his healthy cooking will help with that.
This guy has been my best friend and closest family member for over 20 years. And who knows if she'll ever come? This is her first relationship, they're four months in, and a year is a long time when you're 22. I'm tempted to stick around and see if we can pick up the pieces (despite what he said) after they're finished. But I'm not sure if my mental health can take it.
One last thing... We haven't told any friends or family members yet. At first, I didn't want to - it felt like such a colossal failure, that he's left me for someone who wasn't even born when he and I met... Now, although he says it's up to me, I get the feeling he's not anxious to let people know, either. For sure, not people who we both know. She's not talking about it either - her family and friends are all against it, more because he's not Chinese than for the age difference.
Thanks for listening. I'd love to know any ideas, opinions, comments or advice that anyone has.
Wendy87
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Re: He's met someone new and wants a divorce

Postby Twistedmind » Mon Nov 13, 2017 2:36 am

Did you ever think that she's only using him to pay for her schooling and a place to live once she's there?? It broke my heart to read your post... please don't stick around when she arrives. It would only cause you more pain that you don't deserve. Midlife crisis or not, a man that you've been married to for years never should have batted an eye to another women even if she was 20 years younger. I hope he comes to his senses before she arrives or better yet she takes him for a ride then comes crawling back to you..only for you to tell him your done with him and have moved on.. I wish you the best and keep us posted on how things turn out...
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Re: He's met someone new and wants a divorce

Postby Slugit22 » Wed Jan 03, 2018 3:16 pm

Just as a thought. Many men receive emails from stunningly beautiful girls in Russia who have " fallen in love " with men they have never seen. " Just send me $1000.00 for my airfare and I will be there tomorrow " but of course they never appear. Might there be an element of this in your case ? Just a thought.
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