I'm living with hebephrenic schizophrenia

Hi!

I'm new on this site but I felt like I needed some place or community to join since my life is getting unbearable nowadays. I'm 18 years old and about six months ago I was diagnosed with disorganized subtype of schizophrenia which I've been told has a really poor prognosis because of the rapid development of the "negative symptoms". But the problem here is that I have only told to one person about my diagnosis, no one else knows. Not even my family. I've always been really lonely and preferred being alone rather than with large number of people and i've always been fine with that. But as my symptoms come and go more and more often, being alone has started to feel like the worst option out there because when I am alone, that is when my hallucinations take over. And even though hallucinations aren't the main thing in hebephrenia they literally take over me when I'm alone and I'm really afraid of myself when I can't tell the difference between what is real and what is imagination.

People think of me as an idiot or little retarded because I sometimes have major problems forming sentences that actually make sense. It's really hard for me to make social contacts because I'm so shut down and I can't even talk properly. The whole illness eats away my self confidence and I cannot even afford to buy medication and therapy costs money so I feel like I'm just on my own. I feel like a zombie and most of the time I don't even have a reason to get up in th morning so I tend to just lay on my bed. I want to live but I honestly don't know how.

I'm sorry for a long pretty pointless post here but I just wanted to open up. If anyone has any suggestions how to get better without medication or therapy or how to be ableto make friends I would love to know.

quick summary on disorganized schizophrenia for those who are not familiar with it:
- affects behaviour and speech
- formal thought disorder
- flat emotion and affect
- dementia
- delusions, hallucinations (not that severe)
- strange or inappropriate emotional responses
- anhedonia (lack of pleasure) and avolition (lack of motivation)
- mannerism

Im not diagnosed with schizophrenia, but(i do have my social problems) i had to post here considering i was about to post that I am lonely as well to the point were I don't like hanging out because i feel like "Im just there" & it seems to me that other people that interact with each other they look like there feeling something with each other by interacting...and lately i've been observing this soo much to the point were i feel like im just an observer.

I basically convince my self that I'd rather make money then talk to humans & and so i just sit in my room all day listening to House Music(which really helps relieve stress) aswell as i like to space out on my computer for hours on end, but i do get like how your describing...
- affects behaviour and speech
- formal thought disorder
- flat emotion and affect
- strange or inappropriate emotional responses(sometimes, when im in situations i've never been in before, even if it means scooping or pouring something, if i've never done it, and im forced to do it in social situations, i'll mess sup ands its like watching my self do it so i feel more retarded)
Some people (when i did work) thought i was afraid of them, or how you described appearing as mentally retarded....Do you feel like this too or above as my described experiences?

Oh yeah and the reason why i came to psych-forums in the first place, How would you diagnose my experience?

Hello, I feel very sorry to hear that you are lost in yourself and can't find the way out.

I don't know where you live, but have you thought about psychiatric wards ?
Your insurance doesn't cover this kind of treatment ?

Hi,

I am sorry to hear this. Were you diagnosed by an experienced psychiatrist? If not, have you gotten a second opinion? Do you have a therapist currently?

You sound lucid to me, so you certainly don't come across as mentally ill, specially considering that you are not taking meds, but I suppose it's an early stage. Regardless, feeling helpless and lonely does not help matter. While reading your post, I felt connected to you and I am sure others can feel that way as well, so if you choose to be by yourself, that is your choice, but know that there are others who can relate to and interact with you. Also, there are things that we can do to improve our situation, so we can do relaxation, deep breathing, talking to therapist, a nice warm bath, etc.

If you look at people around you, you may be dealing with bigger problems that they are. Yet if you pay close attention, you'll see that they are dealing with problems too, and we all do our best. So despite our loneliness, we're also in this together. I would urge you to tell your family. They can be there for you, as you can be there for time and perhaps have been in other tough times.