Hi!
I'm new on this site but I felt like I needed some place or community to join since my life is getting unbearable nowadays. I'm 18 years old and about six months ago I was diagnosed with disorganized subtype of schizophrenia which I've been told has a really poor prognosis because of the rapid development of the "negative symptoms". But the problem here is that I have only told to one person about my diagnosis, no one else knows. Not even my family. I've always been really lonely and preferred being alone rather than with large number of people and i've always been fine with that. But as my symptoms come and go more and more often, being alone has started to feel like the worst option out there because when I am alone, that is when my hallucinations take over. And even though hallucinations aren't the main thing in hebephrenia they literally take over me when I'm alone and I'm really afraid of myself when I can't tell the difference between what is real and what is imagination.
People think of me as an idiot or little retarded because I sometimes have major problems forming sentences that actually make sense. It's really hard for me to make social contacts because I'm so shut down and I can't even talk properly. The whole illness eats away my self confidence and I cannot even afford to buy medication and therapy costs money so I feel like I'm just on my own. I feel like a zombie and most of the time I don't even have a reason to get up in th morning so I tend to just lay on my bed. I want to live but I honestly don't know how.
I'm sorry for a long pretty pointless post here but I just wanted to open up. If anyone has any suggestions how to get better without medication or therapy or how to be ableto make friends I would love to know.
quick summary on disorganized schizophrenia for those who are not familiar with it:
- affects behaviour and speech
- formal thought disorder
- flat emotion and affect
- dementia
- delusions, hallucinations (not that severe)
- strange or inappropriate emotional responses
- anhedonia (lack of pleasure) and avolition (lack of motivation)
- mannerism