I think I am a malignant narcissist or a pyschopath/sociopat

I am not sure if I am a malignant narcissist, a sociopath or a psychopath. I do think I need help for my anger and jealous issues as well as my vindictiveness

Here is my story. What do you think?

I moderate a forum. I think I am a malignant narcissist and likely a sociopath/psychopath or maybe at least I am behaving like one. I use multiple names to moderate under so that people think there is more than one moderator. I also post under various member names on the forum I moderate. I use the information I gather about members from their forum posts to hurt members who piss me off or trigger my anger. Usually, if I think they are too smart or too wealthy or too pretty, this will trigger my rage. After that, I try to destroy them by embarrassing or humiliating them. It does not matter if they are right or wrong, I will provoke them behind the scenes to try to make them look crazy. I then have my many moderator personalities and member personlaties post a message that they have violated forum rules. I will also change forum rules so that somehow no matter what they do they have managed to break a new rule that I recently changed. Most people do not remember the original rules, so that is easy to do. Also, it is noted that forum rules can change at the moderator's discretion. The fun part is the target of my rage usually will futilely try to defend themselves, but they will not know that the game is stacked in my favor. I will use my power as a moderator to ban them when they try to defend themselves after being provoked continually by me and my other moderator/member personas.

I will NOT make it known to the other more compliant members that the targeted person has been banned so that the rest of the members will not be able to see through my games. I will just send the banned person a private note and prevent them from logging in because I know that most other members will not think that the target of my rage deserved to be banned, based on their posts. On the forum, the banned person shows up as signed in, and their account active, but they can not sign in. I do this in hopes that it will frustrate them and hurt them. I get great pleasure out of playing with peoples' heads this way. The forum I moderate is for abused people so I have a wealth of fragile people to play with. I feel no remorse about behaving so unfairly and whenever someone triggers me, I seek to methodically set them up. I am jealous of people who are better than me through no fault of their own. In real life I have a new lack luster job that pays peanuts and that I hate. My private life is also in shambles, I am a divorced mother. I do not get along with my own mother, and no one respects me the way they should, not even my children. But on the forum i moderate, I am God.

MoGlow

Don't want to trivialise but.......

You're not Knoxy/Windsong/ Echo are you?

Whoever you moderate as, dealing with vulnerable people and manipulating them for your own ends is a total no-no, as you know.

I hope you get to work out why you are doing this, until you do you know that you have to stop immediately any 'moderation' that you are involved with.RIght now. Because if what you say is true, you are messing with vulnerable people for your own ends, and that is just not acceptable.

So stop and now work on yourself away from your 'supply' forums. Welcome.

Unfortunately, anonymity has been shown to take problems and cause them to turn into crisis. There have been studies on how prolonged anonymity and deindividuation can turn people into jerks, basically. This is compounded by the fact that your targets are also to an extent anonymous.

I know of two ways to combat this:
1. Give up your anonymity and
2. See people on a more individual, personal, and human level, rather than anonymous internet targets that you hate.

Eventually, your forum will not be enough and you will have to move up the power ladder until you get on the national news for killing someone pretty and smart and everyone around them. What then is your reward?

Right now you still have an awareness that what you are doing is wrong and writting it here is either bragging or more so a cry for help. Get away from your computer. Go out inthe world. volunteer to help people face to face - this will enrich you. Otherwise you will have no future. Nothing.

snowdrop wrote:Don't want to trivialise but.......

You're not Knoxy/Windsong/ Echo are you?

Whoever you moderate as, dealing with vulnerable people and manipulating them for your own ends is a total no-no, as you know.

I hope you get to work out why you are doing this, until you do you know that you have to stop immediately any 'moderation' that you are involved with.RIght now. Because if what you say is true, you are messing with vulnerable people for your own ends, and that is just not acceptable.

So stop and now work on yourself away from your 'supply' forums. Welcome.

No. I do not moderate Sam Vaknin's site. That site is a vicious place.

I do not own the site I moderate, either. It is owned by a photographer/writer who uses the site to self promote. Unlike Vaknin the owner of the site does not even claim to have a diploma mill degree. Non of the moderators have psychology backgrounds or any higher education, nor does the site owner. Like Vaknin the owner does self promote his books and photography. The owner befriended me and asked me to moderate his site because he needs to spend time with his grandkids. He can be very charming and convincing. He claims the site is to help people, but he, too, gets impatient with anyone who disagrees with his unprofessional opinion.

gwilly wrote:Unfortunately, anonymity has been shown to take problems and cause them to turn into crisis. There have been studies on how prolonged anonymity and deindividuation can turn people into jerks, basically. This is compounded by the fact that your targets are also to an extent anonymous.

I know of two ways to combat this:
1. Give up your anonymity and
2. See people on a more individual, personal, and human level, rather than anonymous internet targets that you hate.

I think you are right. I do not become angry with people who counter my opinion with intelligent debate in real-life, face-to-face encounters

Seems slightly strange that you get a thrill out of "hurting" people, but never actually know whether you've hurt them or not. As far as you know, the people you supposedly hurt or control could just as well go onto another forum, and forget you ever existed.

Hi and welcome to this forum. Hopefully this will be a safe place where you can get to the bottom of this. I think it might be helpful to do some volunteering with real people. Sometimes this 2D world can become unreal and people become numb to others pain. Its can be quite different though, if you are face to face with someone.
Its also easier to be hard on people who we have no personal connection too. If we share nothing of ourselves, we feel distanced sometimes from others. Just my thoughts at the moment, I could be way off.
I wish you some real peace though,
One

onebravegirl wrote:Hi and welcome to this forum. Hopefully this will be a safe place where you can get to the bottom of this. I think it might be helpful to do some volunteering with real people. Sometimes this 2D world can become unreal and people become numb to others pain. Its can be quite different though, if you are face to face with someone.
Its also easier to be hard on people who we have no personal connection too. If we share nothing of ourselves, we feel distanced sometimes from others. Just my thoughts at the moment, I could be way off.
I wish you some real peace though,
One

I think you are right. It is easy to be rude when we do not see someone's face. I am trying to figure out why I am so threatened by people who are smarter than I am. I know they likely worked hard, and I did not and that is why I am a loser. Still, I get upset if I imagine that someone is better than me. The only power I have in life is when I moderate the forum for abused people. But, then I am abusing them. It's not about getting a thrill about hurting people, it's about power. I never get angry at someone who has hard luck. I only get angry at other people who seem to have a better life than I do. Like if someone is married and well educated, and can level a good debate. The owner of the website seems to feel the same way about people who are too smart, too because he does not stop my behavior and seems to encourage it.. The owner is a photographer/author with no psychology training or higher education. He mainly self promotes himself at the site. A psychologist at a forum form abused people says the site is likely harmful to people posting there and has encouraged me to disconnect from the site.

MoGlow, Heres what i think. You don't value your own strengths enough. You have them, but you don't trust them. So when others appear more successful than you, you feel insecure. But everyone is unique and a person with a huge education isn't always that smart. Theres book smart and people smart right? There are so many different types of intelligence. If you could tap into your own strengths and share them, you would feel Pride. You need to feel that. We all do. If we don't nurture our strengths, all we feel is week. And its not factual. People who are really highly educated, in my experience are usually not very happy or kind people. Mostly just self absorbed. Theres this great movie called Harvey with Jimi Stewart and he says something like " in Life you can either be very Kind or very Smart". I think you are both, but you have to choose something to value on you that is all yours and share than. This site you Mod on kinda sounds like it makes you dislike yourself. And the owner sounds miserable too. Maybe its his influence that is feeding into your insecurities. Could he be using you to amuse himself, the way you are using the posters?
Of course. I'm only looking through a window here and cannot see the whole picture, but I'd like to hear your thoughts.
One