what the hell is wrong with me?

I will be making an appointment to see a psycaitrist soon, but wanted to write this first to get an idea if I can even be helped. I think there is something wrong with me, like seriously wrong with me. I am experiencing several symptoms that I have never told anyone about. I have had a psycaitrist before, but I even lied to her and tried to keep up apperances. I want people to think that I am normal, and I do so much to keep myself appearing that way but I am not. I hate the person I am and I am so sick of living the way I do. I want to finally be completely open and honest with someone for once. I hurts my pride a lot to do this, and that is why I am writing a letter first. I know if I just went into an appointment I would fall into the same habbit of not talking about everything and playing things off like they don’t bother me. All these symptoms bother me to an extreme. I am so frustrated with myself and have tried so hard to correct my behavior, but I cant and maybe someone who reads this can. Below are the symptoms that are interfering with my life, my ability to be a good parent, my education, and my overall quality of life.
1. I am experiencing excessive uncontrollable daydreaming and feel detached from reality often.
I daydream all the time. Something sparks my imagination and I create elaborate scenarios in my mind. I usually place myself as one of the characters. I have several daydreams per day that last from 5 minutes to hours. I keep thinking about these things and get so distracted. I will be driving my car and start daydreaming and end up at the wrong place. I will be driving to the grocery store and end up at my son’s daycare because I was daydreaming, or I will driving from day care to school and end up at my house.
2. I am emotionally numb and don’t think I can feel love.
I blame this on the Zoloft I am taking and would like to stop taking it, which is one of the reasons I am going to see a psych. It bothers me so much, and I feel like a monster and an awful mother. What mother doesn’t love their child? Or doesn’t know if they love their child? I have trouble empathizing, when my son gets hurt I don’t feel bad for him, I just feel like it is another situation for me to deal with. I do comfort him and try to be the best mother I can be, but I feel like the worst mother in the world. I also dated my ex for over 3 years, lately he cheated on me, but I didn’t feel angry, or even hurt. I was just relieved that it was over, and I could be alone. I started taking Zoloft to replace effexor while I was pregnant, I have been on anti depressants since I was 16, I had moved to the US from Holland and was very depressed, but at least when I was depressed I felt things. I hate being numb, I hate not knowing who I really am without medication.
3. I am lazy and tired all the time
this is the quality I hate most in myself. I want to be on top of my school work, I want to be on time, I want to have a clean house, but all I do when I get home from school is watch tv. I have intentions to clean but once I sit down it seems like the time just goes by so fast, and I cant motivate or convince myself to get up and do something. Its hard to make my self go to class, or stay in class once I have arrived.


4. Forgetful and distracted.
I forget everything. I often show up to my sons daycare to drop him off and forget to make his bottles, I go to school without my books, I go to the store without my wallet. Its embarrassing, I have an alarm reminder for EVERYTHING on my phone, but it still happens. When I can motivate myself to clean I feel overwhelmed and easily distracted.
For example, today I set a reminder on my phone for a certain time to put laundry in the washer so it can wash, dry, and I can fold it before I have to get my son. I went to collect the dirty clothes, and walked towards the laundry room, on my way I decide I should pick up my sons toys, while I was doing that I got distracted by a dirty window, I decided to go get the windex to clean it before I forgot, I got the windex from under the sink and decided while I was in the kitchen I should do the dishes really quick so I did that and took the windex into the living room and saw the laundry, so I grabbed it and took it towards the laundry room where I realized that there was a load in the washer that had sat in there for days because I forgot about it. So I had to wash that load again since they were sour. I couldn’t accomplish the ONE task I had set out to do, and of the four tasks I attempted along the way I was able to accomplish one.
5. I dislike sex
this one is pretty simple. I don’t like having sex. At all. That is one of the reasons I was pretty relieved to break up with my ex-boyfriend so that I didn’t feel obligated to have sex. I’m scared about this one though, because one day I want to get married and have more children and I know this is going to be a problem.
6. I don’t like most people
again, pretty simple, I don’t really like people. I have a few friends, but tend to dislike everybody.

I have been compensating for these problems for a long time, with some success. But even my coping mechanisms are becoming a problem. I drink an insane amount of caffeine every day. I start the day with coffee for the drive to day care, on the way to school I get an energy drink, right before class a diet coke, after school I drink coke constantly. It keeps me alert for a while, but then I have to drink more throughout the day to keep from feeling like crap and sleeping the rest of the day. Even caffeine is loosing its effects on me, but I don’t know how to navigate through my day without it.

All this is finally catching up with me, I am ready to be truthful about the problems they cause and hopefully get help. This is not the person I want to be, and it is not the type of person I know I am, underneath all of these things. I want to be a good mother and not question how I feel about my son, I want to be able to keep up with daily tasks, I want to feel normal and enjoy the things that everyone else seems to enjoy. From my psycaitrist I want answers, I want to either be told this is what is wrong with you, or make recommendations of things to try, or tell me I’m fine so I can stop be so afraid that I am crazy or some kind of sociopath.

OMG! I can SO relate! While my situation isn’t precisely like yours, it is similar.

2. I am emotionally numb and don’t think I can feel love.

I, too, have no emotional connection to my children. I fake it really well. I am constantly told what a great mother I am, but no one really knows that I am just mimicking what I have seen or read to be correct. When times were really tough, I would fantasize about them dying so I wouldn’t have to keep putting on the act.

I have become so skilled that people come to me with their problems. But truth be told, I could care less about them. My fake empathy is “warmer” than real empathy of others. I call people “friend” but if they were to disappear, MEH. Who cares. My current BF went into the hospital for an outpatient procedure that went awry. I spent countless hours at the hospital, constantly questioning nurses and doctors. When he came home, I did everything I could to make him comfortable and help him recover. Yet, the whole time I didn’t care if he’d even pull through.

3. I am lazy and tired all the time

Yes, exactly. When I’m at work, I think about things that need to get done, I want to do, etc. I can’t even bring myself to interact on the computer ‘cause it takes too much energy. I find myself watching the stupidest programs rather than doing the laundry. I manage to get things done but only because I am afraid someone might say something about how I just sit there, watching TV. I have to force myself to go to work. When I get there, I avoid working as much as possible. I do enough to keep my job, to get by. I should have moved up the ladder a few more rungs by now, but… well, I could care less!

4. Forgetful and distracted.

Somewhat. I have learned to limit myself in stuff I need to do so I don’t seem to forget as much as I really do. My children are now grown, so no more forgetting their games, award ceremonies, where they are going, etc. I tried setting alarms on my phone to remind me of things and appointments but that wasn’t all too successful, either.

6. I don’t like most people

HEH! Yeah, there’s that. No comment needed.

I don’t have the same outlook on sex, but that goes to the sex addiction I suffer. I can honestly say that I don’t enjoy sex in the context of normal people. If sex is within the confines of a relationship, I lose interest. If it’s “vanilla”, I don’t miss it. However, sex with strangers or “deviant” sex is something I crave constantly. But that is fodder for a different thread.


I am not sure what all is wrong with me. I have been dx’ed with clinical depression and panic attacks. But I know there is more to it. I believe I have ASPD and HPD tendencies. Whatever I am, I am extremely high-functioning and can fool just about anybody. To be honest, I wish sometimes that I was low-functioning so I could be locked up in a hospital and forget about life and responsibilities for a while.

theres nothing wrong with you, you just have anxiety...

Check my site on my profile of how you can diminish your anxiety FAST, by using a natural cure which is FREE...

Hope it helps

In answer to your question: Not nearly as much as you fear.

Not being a metal healthcare professional, my opinion may not count for much but I'd say you are physically and emotionally exhausted. Most of what you mentioned I have experienced. And yes, I thought I was going crazy. Turns out that most of it was hormonal. It seems pregnacy screwed me up royally--something I didn't realize until after my third and last child. Long story short, I had a hysterectomy when I was 35--it was like coming out of a very dense fog.

You don't have to be ashamed of revealing any of what you have shared here to your doctor. You don't need to impress them--or if you feel you must, impress them with your honesty. Be careful, though, and do not chalk all this up to your mental health. Much of it could be physical in cause even though it manifests itself psychologically.

On the upside, you recognize you have problems and you are willing to take steps to deal with and overcome them. I'd love to see you post here the good things about yourself. They deserve equal time, don't you think?

P.S. I still daydream, only now it's fodder for my writing.

What you are decribing some exactly like what I have, which is called Maladaptive Daydreaming. It's a condition that causes excessive daydreaming. I also sometimes pace while daydreaming. Take a look at this website and see if this sounds like you:

http://daydreamingdisorder.webs.com/

i;m just the opposite, constantly a nervous wreck, just barely manging. i wish i could just daydream my way till the end. but unfortunately you don't get to choose