my voices have stopped and i can't keep occupiedinmyflat now

hi all. i'm female 45 and i live in the UK. i have schizo-affective disorder or schizophrenia.
i have had voices a lot all the time for years now. my voices have stopped now.
now my voices have stopped i can't keep occupied in my flat. its horrible that now. and now my voices have stopped i can't think in my head now and i have a blank head now and thats horrible now too.
i live on my own in my own flat or apartment now. im on my own in my life now with no job now and i can't see my friends and my family for years now and im finding this hard now. also ive lost the man i like the man i love joe now and someone said he might be dead now. i don't know if its true hes dead now or not? the woman who told me that now never told me about that before so i couldn't go to joes funereal before. i didn't go to his funeral i haven't seen his grave yet so i don't know for sure if joe is dead now or not. im upset ive lost joe now.
all i can think of to do now is counselling or therapy to help now. i might have to pay for that now. and im seeing an occupational therapist now about groups to do for mental illness where i live now. but something controls me with my mental illness and it won't let me make an appointment with an art group and make a therapy appointment now still. now my voices have stopped now it tries to control me now still maybe. i don't know what to do now. im going to have to try and make an appointment with the art group now and a therapy appointment now. it hard because after i went out with joe now i can't see all my friends and family for years now and i don't want to go out now. maybe therapy counsellilng or a psychologist can help about this now.
does anyone else get that where something tries to control what they do or say with their mental illness now? when joe asked me out before it controlled what i said before i wanted to say no to him before ive got a boyfriend austin before. so thats how i ended up going out with joe before when really i wanted to stay with my boyfriend austin before because joe is deaf before. i think now its because i couldn't do what i wanted about my boyfriends joe and austin before and i couldn't finish seeing the psychologist at my flat before and thats why im in this hell in my life after that now and stuck in my life after that now i think now maybe. but i didn't love austin before i love joe now except hes deaf. im so upset ive lost joe now. i can't cope without joe now and i don't know what to do now. its hard because i haven't got much family now and i can't see all my friends and family now. now my voices have stopped now and i can't keep occupied in my flat now and its horrible that now. i have a reading problem and a sleeping problem now too and i keep staying up all night before and sleeping all different times before the sleeping problem is a bit better now and i get up early every morning more now so thats good now. my nurse isn't very good at the moment and shes been on leave for months now so she don't help about it now. im not getting proper support from a nurse at the moment and thats bad i think that now. but my nurse might be back at work again soon but shes not a very good nurse now though. i saw the dr about a week ago but it hasn't helped he kept me on the same medication still. all i can think to do now is pay for therapy and counelling to help now. if you can help about this now or have any advice suggestions about this now please. thanks a lot sparkle 78