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I need to Escape

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I need to Escape

Postby DepressedLibra » Mon Aug 22, 2022 5:06 am

I feel like I need to escape my life somehow. I feel trapped.

....I want to start over with life somehow.... Live in a different state... a different background... become someone else...change my name....maybe live in a different country....

I feel escaped from life, trapped, like there is no way to get out... I am bored with my life....

If I could just become someone else.... live a 2nd life somehow.

I really wish if there was a way I could make myself detach from reality pernamently I think that would be the best thing for me. A combination of hallucination drugs and a lot of meditation. ... maybe I should give up all my possession and live the rest of my life as a monk in another country and spend all my day dissociating from relating meditating. The more I could keep my mind off of reality the better. just meditate 8 hours a day. More time I am out of reality the better.

I wish I could go crazy and convince myself I was someone else. Living the rest of my life in institution in cell where all my needs are taken care of. I won't have to worry about bills anymore. I can pass the time by being in another reality: I am Captain Jack Sparrow... or I am Batman...or I am convinced I am a prophet of God....

I can't cope with reality anymore... I wish there was no reality... only imagination and no more worries and no more pain.
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Re: I need to Escape

Postby Snaga » Mon Aug 22, 2022 3:46 pm

I've had similar thoughts, when the anxiety gets overwhelming.

As has been pointed out to me, wishing for a complete detachment from Reality is an evil wish- a complete detachment from Reality is liable to be terrifying. No matter how much we wish to, we can't run from ourselves. And considering myself is pretty neurotic/anxious, I would imagine having only what's in my brain for company (in an departure from a sense of Reality) would be pretty darn chaotic. So... yeah no I'll pass on that. Considering the straits I'm currently in, I'm rather surprised I don't find myself wishing that, even so. But curiously, I'm not- and just as well.
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Re: I need to Escape

Postby Wally58 » Mon Aug 22, 2022 4:25 pm

I remember being so over-whelmed by everything, that I became apathetic & just didn't care anymore.
Easy, right?
The problem was that on some level, I did care (I cared too much) & my problems weren't going away as I had hoped.I would wake up the next day and my problems were still there.

The first step sounded so far from the truth. It sounded fake. It couldn't possibly apply to my situation.

"We admitted that we were Powerless, that our lives had become Unmanageble."

Powerlessness wasn't about 'giving up'. It was about 'giving in'. "Surrender to win" type of thing.
I was asked to try this recovery thing one more time.

I was eventually successful at it by asking for help.
The peace washed over me. I was able to sigh long & deep. It was like an epiphany. Somehow I knew that I was going to be OK. The hopelessness had done a 180 into hopefulness. I had another chance at this.

I did what people told me to do as my way of doing things wasn't working very well. It hadn't worked in years. I was one sick dude.

Everything up until that point had sounded like nagging & criticism. I would shut down. When it came across as suggestions, I was able to absorb it & apply it. I was able to get back on my feet & trust my decisions again.

I did intensive mental health & chemical dependency work on myself. I may still make mistaakes & have difficult days, but everything is based in reality today. Not the delusions & impulsive thinking of the past.
Just to think it all began with a cry for help.
Best of luck to you. :D
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Re: I need to Escape

Postby DepressedLibra » Tue Aug 23, 2022 12:51 am

I suppose your right. I must accept the inevitable and try my best to live through it no matter how painful it will be. I will have to in the very near future go through chapter 7 bankruptcy and lose everything, lose my job, lose my father to cancer, lose my home, my car... It will be just starting life from scratch again and will be extremely painful. I might need substance abuse and meditation to cope with it all.
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Re: I need to Escape

Postby Snaga » Tue Aug 23, 2022 1:35 am

DepressedLibra wrote:I might need substance abuse and meditation to cope with it all.


You mean substance abuse counseling, yes? I see where you've talked about heavy drinking. I was headed for that about a year ago- I'd been strained to the breaking point- or so I felt- and I was starting to ramp up my drinking- getting heavy from a medical standpoint but not compared to a lot of folks I know. Still, I got a good airing out from the doctor. He told me women it was Rocky Road and... shopping? something, when they get overwhelmed. With us guys, it's more Jack Daniels and cocaine. He also hammered the point home that alcohol can act as a stimulant- in the long run it only served to accentuate the anxiety. Told me to quit, so I pretty much quit and got on some escitalopram for a while. Took the edge off my anxiety long enough for me to power through it.

If it makes you feel any better, my own future is far from settled- I might be looking at ruin and loss of many things as well, including a roof- feeling the weight of the world upon one's shoulders especially later in life when you thought you'd have had it made is depressing and anxious as Hell. It makes my mind go to dark places at times, but I'm not apt to do anything 'dark' so I'll just have to keep calm and carry on best I can. I sympathise. I find it hard to be anything but filled with despair.

But we don't have the luxury of madness or other escape. We have to do what we can.

Reading some of your other posts I see those magic letters, OCD. I don't know about your OCD, but mine makes me a drama queen. We magnify EVERYTHING. Most of the time, things are not as bad as I make them out to be- my anxiety disorders will turn something into the Apocalypse in a heartbeat. Even as I write this, I feel it settling in and I don't know how I'll survive. But I have to shove it aside and hope for the best, even if I feel as if I'm destined for utter ruin.

Don't let the tendency of those of us with OCD to make things seem utterly hopeless.
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Re: I need to Escape

Postby DepressedLibra » Tue Aug 23, 2022 9:37 am

Yeah could be the OCD... my wife says I make it out to be much worse then it is. She has already gone through chapter 7 bankruptcy twice in her life... she says it is not as bad as I think.

I feel depressed too about my job. The other day for example I made a decision I regret, not staying late after hours at job. I work at a job in a different state than I live, it takes me 1.5 - 2 hours to get to work and 1.5 - 2 hours to get home. My co-workers live 5 minutes from work. It is easy for them in a workweek to stay till 12 midnight and be back to work at 8 am the next day. I have stayed late many weekends and Friday nights... but a night during the week is hard on me. For me I got a long drive home if I choose to stay late and don't leave work till midnight...may not be till 2 am I am home... then I got wake up at like 4:30-5 and be out of house by 6 am to make it to work in time for 8am start. I was going to try to live closer, but I work in a rich area and no way I can afford the 2k/month rent out there. Also a local guy when he is oncall can get to work in 5 -10 minutes if he is called in. For me... when I am oncall your talking at minimum 1.5 hours for me to get there. So I feel depressed because I see myself losing my job to a guy who lives locally who can be at his job in 5 minutes.
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Re: I need to Escape

Postby Snaga » Tue Aug 23, 2022 5:44 pm

Oh I totally understand that. My old place of employment there were folks who lived two hours away. One of them would stay late (and we're talking 12 hour shifts to begin with) but they had a friend they could usually crash at and avoid driving all the way back home. Otherwise even for a workaholic like they were, that'd get pretty unsustainable.

As far as keeping your job- they knew you lived far away when you hired in. If they cared that much, they should've put a limit on distance from work before hiring- some places do that.

I don't know I care about potential bankruptcy as just losing my dwelling. If it were just me... but my partner is very attached to the place and losing it would be rough. Which would be just another failure of mine, in a lifetime of them and I just really can't bear that in this case. Oh well.

Speaking of, remember bankruptcy doesn't (or didn't used to, anyway) automatically include a house. I've known people who did it and renegotiated their house payments as part of it.

What bothers me more re: your job is if you're drinking a lot. You don't want to give your employers incentive to think about how far you live from work.
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