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Hello, New here, and need to offload.....hoping for some sup

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Hello, New here, and need to offload.....hoping for some sup

Postby Bunker » Mon Aug 01, 2022 5:21 pm

Hi to all

I've joined the forum as I need to put down how I am feeling, and hopefully get some support, advice, magic bullet or just a chat.

I am a week away from my 70th birthday, still feel 30, married to someone 10 years younger, (who is fabulous), and generally feel miserable all the time.

My life from age 26 to about 10 years ago (34 years) was spent full on, working for myself, running a company, always busy, 24/7 thinking about the next client/project/issue, and generally quite stressful. My business was software development, so I'm a programmer by nature and a bit of a control freak. Others say I could possibly be on the edge of 'the spectrum', as I am very precise and pedantic, and a bit OCD, but have never pursued to see if this is the case. Although retired I still get the odd request from old clients for a bit of training or development, which I relish and enjoy. My current life revolves around playing golf once or twice a week and photography with a local club. I've also recently taken up volunteering at a local library half day a week, helping people with computers.

My issues?

I feel miserable most of the time and can't 'loosen up' and just relax. Each morning, (unless I have something specific to do that day), I'm wondering 'What's it all about?". Can't seem to motivate myself. I think about dying more and more and wonder whether it's worth getting involved in doing much as my time might be limited. (Although my health is fine).

I don't have many emotions, nothing much impresses me and I don't get excited over much at all. When those around me are enthusing over something I just wonder what all the fuss is about. (my sons and grandson are very similar, and even at 10 years old he often says 'I don't do excitement').

I overthink everything - think this might be a factor that leads to the 'spectrum' thing. I can't take things at face value but need to analyse the whys and wherefores of everything, and my mind goes into overdrive with the details. I sometimes think I'd rather be less intelligent and just go with the flow.

I sometimes feel very negative towards others if they appear to be doing better or having a better time than me. Examples; if a friend is doing something socially and having a good time, I am wondering why I aren't doing the same, and get miserable because of it, almost to the point of hoping it doesn't go well for them. If someone shows a fabulous photograph, rather than be happy for them I'll maybe grudgingly say it's good but inside feel quite envious and hope theirs doesn't do well in competitions. Find it hard to praise others and genuinely mean it.

I've started to analyse my thoughts as they occur, and that makes me understood what I'm doing, but doesn't help to get rid of the negativity.

Well that's about it - feel a little better just putting all this down.

Wonder if anyone else is similar to me?

Thanks in advance for any comments.
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Re: Hello, New here, and need to offload.....hoping for some sup

Postby Otter » Mon Aug 01, 2022 10:11 pm

Hello Bunker. Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing. It certainly seems like something is going on, or many things for that matter.

I know this seems obvious but I imagine many of these problems started after you "retired". Perhaps you said that somewhere in the text but I missed it.

always busy, 24/7 thinking about the next client/project/issue...


This seems to be the salient starting point when trying to figure things out. It appears your character and mental processes were totally suited for this non-stop activity. Not just the amount of time but the nature of what you were doing. You were nurtured by it and you could offload all your energy into it—a perfect process.

Now that it is over (in that 24/7 context), there seems to be a vacuum(s), and the relationship to things in your life is not so predictable. Worse yet, some of the things you mentioned might be more fluid and emotional and harder to control. These kinds of ambiguities can be harsh on someone with your kind of personality. It can create so many problems, such as questioning the meaning of life and, indeed, as you have said, your own mortality.

There is nothing wrong with being near the "spectrum" of even in it. We are all different. Have you thought about therapy? I know it can be a big leap for some. But to have someone to organize things with might be helpful. Dump the whole lot on the table and make your therapist a team player in organizing things. Get someone professional and not related to get a good look at things. Also, seek out someone who might understand your type of personality.

I have some issues as you do but I am not the same. I am controlling and I do suffer OCD. I need things to be exact, planned, and organized. I do have a better time with emotions, however. Therapy allows me to let someone else look at the game plan.

Whatever the case, good luck to you.
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Re: Hello, New here, and need to offload.....hoping for some sup

Postby Bunker » Tue Aug 02, 2022 8:38 am

Thanks Otter, I guess I probably knew most of what you say, but it does help to hear someone else come to the same conclusions. Not sure about therapy at my age, might just accept how I am and try to control my thoughts and actions.

Thanks very much for engaging with me.
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Re: Hello, New here, and need to offload.....hoping for some sup

Postby Snaga » Tue Aug 02, 2022 5:39 pm

Would getting a job help? Not the volunteer stuff, a job-job. I have been on forced 'retirement' (a severance package) for two years and find myself extra-apathetic. Mind you, I am the polar opposite of how I perceive your personality, and Otter's- I am a hot mess who leaves a trail of disorganisation behind me and I have always been an under-achiever. But even so, after a couple years of being paid to sit on my butt, I find myself a little extra apathetic and feeling like my life is extremely pointless. I also feel good for nothing and have no idea how I'm going to function again in the workforce. I'm hoping after I manage to get (and hold) a job I'll feel differently. I'm nearing my sixth decade, myself, and yeah feelings of 'well this is it then I die' are strong. My job was very stressful and high-pressure. I hated it (an understatement), but I wonder if that constant (even though negative) stimulation has had a similar effect on me when removed, that you feel, having retired from your job where you kept yourself highly occupied.

Perhaps this is all crap theory on my part. Still, reading your post, I feel as if 'that man needs to go back to work it sounds like'. Some folks just aren't made for grass growing under their feet.
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