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Dead end in my life

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Dead end in my life

Postby lifecrisis » Sun Jul 11, 2021 6:25 am

Trigger warning: this will have to do with suicide and sexual abuse so if you get triggered by these topics please don't read.

This post is general and if anyone wants to reach out to discuss some topics I address in regard to what I am suffering from or have suffered from, please feel free. This post is a way to get how I am feeling off my chest.

So I have an identity crisis. I am suicidal with a plathera of health issues and mental health issues that I've repressed for far too long. I feel like I've had gone through too much and all I can really see is a dead end. And this is not my emotions speaking, it is the honest truth.

My life consisted of frequent beatings including in front of others, molestation and then death of a parent. Then when things were starting to look better and I started being hopeful, my mom was diagnosed with cancer but she recovered given our country's universal health care. My relationships have all consisted of some tragic ended. My first boyfriend was an older man who raped me. My second boyfriend ghosted me. Then I found out I was adopted and my actual father is the man who raised me's brother and then he passed away too. Then my current boyfriend cheated on me albeit he didn't know what was going on behind the scenes because I was afraid to share with him personal information.

For those wondering how I managed without therapy for so long, truth is I'm numb, not hopeful and I have a dissociative disorder called maladaptive daydreaming where I daydream, zone out for hours creating a fantasy world in my head.

I have a biological mother left, an adopted mom that lives with me in a different country, 2 bio brothers. Some how the responsibilities have shifted to me to provide for all (my bio family is very poor) and visit my bio family (which is expensive) despite my adopted mom's wishes.

Right now, I am a borderline insomniac suffering from intense allergies, and an eating disorder. I somehow manage to maintain fat on my body despite eating one or 2 meals day. My full time placement (which is the last of my post-grad degree) is in 2 months and no minimum wage job is hiring me. I am thinking about starting a youtube channel but I suffer from social anxiety.

I feel like I'll be facing a dead end soon, as I'm going to have to pay back my debt and bear those responsibilities with money I don't have. When I am expected to start my own family, I genuinely don't think I can keep a marriage going because of my secretive nature, & my trust issues, and feel like no man will be willing to deal with baggage after the initial lust wears off.

Even my cultural identity doesn't fit with anyone. I just feel alone. I just genuinely feel I'd be better off dead.
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Re: Dead end in my life

Postby Snaga » Sun Jul 11, 2021 12:09 pm

Well... dead is forever. The storm we feel surrounding us, in my experience, not so much. Meaning that circumstances can, and do change. Even though it doesn't feel as if they will. Merely by the virtue of being Human, you're more resilient than you think you are- we all are. I think I won't survive something, yet... somehow I do.

I ideate suicidal thoughts a lot, but don't seriously consider them. First off, it's an intensely selfish and indeed, I consider it a hateful act- that the last memory others should have of me is that I took my own life. Regardless of how worthless I feel, it's still a very hurtful thing for anyone who cares in the least about me.

And then I know that I don't really wish to die- I just wish for the things stressing me to end. And a lot of it, is how they seem to loom big in my head. I want to run away, but you can't run from yourself, so the mind turns to the only thing it can think of, because it's desperate to do something anything. Forgetting the above- that circumstances change. And often we can get through rough patches that we can't see getting through before we actually do get through them.

Support your bio family to the extent that you can/are willing to- ultimately you have your own life to live and must see to your own needs.

There are better men out there- not every boyfriend can or will be an ass, or abusive. My partner is fond of saying you get what you tolerate. You're worth a good man- don't let users and abusers convince you otherwise just to get something they want from you.

I sorry it seems as if you're struggling with weight issues? I'm assuming you're female- it's hard for a girl to lose weight, I know. Hard enough for guys but harder for girls. I'd personally worry more about weight that affects my health, and not worry about the rest. Also I'm hoping that you're not hinging your self-worth on your weight- while I don't think the current body positivity movement ought to be celebrating morbid obesity, they are on to something, in encouraging people to be happy with how they're built. Just because skinny was what you saw on the runway for years and years, doesn't mean all men think it's attractive. And there's someone for everyone, I'm completely convinced.

Hugs, if wanted, and hang in there sweetie. I find things usually aren't so bad as they feel in the moment.

You mention you haven't been having therapy- is that a possibility? It might not be a bad idea, if you're able. Are you on any medications? I recently gave in and asked for some antidepressants to help with depression and anxiety. Its been nearly a month for me- I can't really tell how much effect they're having, but it feels as if perhaps they've taken the edge off my personal angst- which is a start, at least. That might be something to consider, if you're not already doing so.
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Re: Dead end in my life

Postby DistortedOne » Fri Jul 23, 2021 1:40 am

You can't calm the storm. Calm yourself and the storm will take care of itself.

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