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Urge to watch my baby suffer

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Urge to watch my baby suffer

Postby polaropposites » Sat Jun 12, 2021 12:06 am

I was very hesitant about putting this out on the internet, but it's worrying me more and becoming more frequent.

Over a week ago my wife and I had our first baby, a beautiful girl named Emily. For the first week I just wanted to look at her, hold her, and be with her as much as possible. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I suddenly got this very intoxicating feeling whenever she cried intensely. This feeling in these circumstances isn't foreign to me. When I was severely depressed in college I used to get the same feeling when a small dog I lived with suffered.

Of course I don't want to watch my baby suffer or inflict harm to her in any way. However, the intoxication is extremely exhilarating and most definitely, super addictive. I looked up what this is called and the most related term I could find was "spineless sadism."

I also have a history since I was 18 with drug and alcohol abuse. Although I completed kicked the booze three years ago, I recently just quit smoking the day before our baby girl was born. I started smoking at right around the same time I quit drinking. I've also had other, less destructive addictions in the past, all of which I have abstained from.

Seeing that this is a mental health forum, it's also worthy to note that I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 1 when I was 23 years old (8 years ago). I have periods where I feel really good, but not manic or even hypomanic. Part of me has forgotten what it felt like before the severe depression set in (that was my original diagnosis when I was 21). Most of the time I'm depressed, have hyposomnia, low energy, fatigue, or any combination in between. The first manic episode I had was very severe. I had to be hospitalized, my parents had to drive 3.5 hours with our puppy to take me home, and I was almost expelled from school until it was discovered what my diagnosis was. I don't think I've had a manic episode since then, but maybe I've just had less severe ones since the first one was so terrible.

I've read that it's common for people with bipolar disorder to have other mental health disorders, too, but I haven't been diagnosed with anything else. Now, I'm not speculating that I have something like anti-social personality disorder, but I'm not ruling it out either. It's also possible that I don't have any other disorders and am just a weak-willed individual. With that being said, I'm working on confronting these feelings and urges to try and resolve them myself. I just thought it might be a good idea to post on some specialist forums as well.

Thank you for reading all of this.
Last edited by Snaga on Sat Jun 12, 2021 1:07 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: moved to Living With Mental Illness, no edits
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Re: Urge to watch my baby suffer

Postby Snaga » Sat Jun 12, 2021 1:12 am

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

I've moved your post out of Child Abuse which would be more for survivors of such. I had nowhere special to place this, however. I don't know that I've heard of anything like this, associated with being Bipolar.

It doesn't necessarily sound like AsPD- unfortunately, we no longer have an AsPD forum to field the question in- sometimes you just can't have nice things because people break them.

I'm not sure I get that impression however, unless you happen to score high on AsPD or Dark Triad tests.

I'm Obsessive-Compulsive, and have trouble with intrusive harm thoughts, but I'm not sure that fits this.

Define 'intoxicating feeling', I suppose?
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Re: Urge to watch my baby suffer

Postby lilyfairy » Sat Jun 12, 2021 12:18 pm

Welcome to the forums.

I've not been in the situation myself, but I do know of a number of new parents who have struggled with thoughts of harm towards themselves or their baby, and for them it had tied in with post natal depression/anxiety/psychosis, which can affect dads too- bringing a new baby into the family is a big emotional upheaval for everyone involved. I believe it's more common in people who have preexisting MH issues. We do have a postpartum depression forum here that you might like to take a look through to see if anything resonates with you.

Have you talked with a professional about what's going on for you? Bear in mind that you choose what you divulge to a therapist and when- you can start out talking about things in very broad terms and elaborate as you become more comfortable talking with them. What you're dealing with sounds scary and upsetting. Please take good care.
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