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need help with abusive neighbor

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need help with abusive neighbor

Postby brokendrummer » Thu Jan 14, 2021 4:23 am

I need help with the upstairs tenant, a large, malicious and vindictive homosexual, and his boy friend (whom I'd probably get along with under different circumstances).

My background:
I'm an older male with PTSD from childhood trauma. I'm a recovered alcoholic with almost ten years of sobriety (meaning I haven't had even a sip of alcohol in almost ten years). I've been without a single family member for over ten years but, considering the family I had, that is a good thing. I had a few friends but we've parted ways for one reason or another. I have absolutely no one to talk to even on the phone. I've tried to "get help" many times in the past year but only met dead ends. It's been around 15 years since I had professional psychological counciling. I've taken no medication for at least ten years and won't ever take psych meds again.

So the large guy (let's call him "A" ha ha) moved into the upstairs apartment over two years ago. We got along at first. It was when he began to shirk his side of the grounds maintenance that his real personality became evident. After six weeks of excuses for not mowing the lawn (it was his turn) and me asking him when he was going to do it ("oh this Friday for sure" bla bla bla), I pulled the lawnmower in front of his washer/dryer in the basement as a not so subtle hint. He went ballistic and thus began our feud.

He began to pound on his floor (my ceiling) whenever he felt like it. He texted me so much about my playing music that I had to change my number. That infuriated him (lol). He had texted me to "turn my ######6 music off, I shouldn't have to hear it at all" which is, of course, insane. This was over two years ago. He also texted "don't fight me, you will lose." That is also insanity.

To give you some perspective of this, he pounded on the ceiling and called the cops on me while I was playing some Frank Sinatra at a very reasonable volume on a Saturday in the early afternoon. I get along with the landperson/owner mostly but their perspective is basically selfish. After "A" called the cops on me several times (I was never found to be in violation of any noise policy), the landperson ruled out calling police for "nuisance" violations because they affect the landperson's standing with law enforcement, neighbors, and city codes in general, and I have complied with that even though I think I had reason enough to call them.

Last week, I had had it. I went upstairs to their back door and pounded on it. I knew that confronting me is impossible for him because he's a coward. I have no intention of physical violence even though I could "kick his ass" six ways to Sunday but, of course, that would be the end of whatever I call life as I know it now. I do think that the only way to handle someone like him is a good ass whooping and he's very lucky he's got me to abuse and not someone with less control. In the "old days" say 50 years ago, this would have been the way to handle it but not now.

Long story short, I am usually exhausted, nervous, sleep-deprived and depressed. This was mostly my state for years but now, under current political circumstances, it is worse than ever. Sleep for me is "catch as catch can" because "A" and his roommate constantly harass me when I'm trying to sleep by banging, pounding, clicking on their floor above my bedroom in an obvious tactic to keep me awake even as a tag-team. If I go to bed at 2:30 AM, they begin their harassment tactics. I wear earplugs and mufflers but that is not enough protection.

I've tried over and over to be very reasonable and accommodating to "A" but that doesn't work. It never decreased his harassment. As with any narcissist with a "passive/aggressive" problem, it's not really a specific problem that concerns them; it's about them being "right" all the time. So I gave up trying ultra low volume, various "nice" music genres etc. Right now, playing music ALL the time between 6 AM and 11 PM is my only defense because music (especially metal and reggae) are particularly unbearable to him. At least it gets him out of the house sometimes I think. Maybe he catches up on sleep somewhere else. He constantly talks to his repulsive mother on the phone and I think he's never mentally separated from her.

That's all for now. Please don't suggest I move. It's not only impractical, it's impossible for me to move. I have no job, I owe thousands of dollars and I like my apartment a lot. I would never find another like it for what I pay. Especially now.
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Re: need help with abusive neighbor

Postby Snaga » Thu Jan 14, 2021 6:50 am

Hello and welcome!

I understand about not wanting to move- short of that, I don't know, except endure it and hope to outstay him. Try and be the calm one- let him take the role of Unhinged Person, especially in the eye of the law
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Re: need help with abusive neighbor

Postby brokendrummer » Thu Jan 14, 2021 11:06 pm

Little sleep last night. I went to bed at 3AM and sure enough, the tactics started. He starts tapping once and those are followed by taps, thumps, drawers, scraping etc at regular intervals. I recorded it. You can see from the screen shot of audio the "points" of deliberate disruption. He went out at 5:30am which was very unusual. I have a suspicion that he might have surmised I was recording and looked for an excuse for him being "awake" despite his claims that he is the one trying to sleep and I'm the one disrupting him but that is only my theory. This isn't the only recording I have.

I wish I could take legal action. If I could find a lawyer who thinks I have a case, I'd call the cops and file an harassment charge against him. But those are slim odds I know.

Bought some over the counter sleep aids Valerian and Melatonin. This morning will be rough. I think his partner is off sleeping somewhere so he can pick up the harassment tomorrow morning. That's my "tag-team" theory and I'm probably right about it but we shall see. Right now the metal music is loud.

I hate being like this but this is the only way I have to defend myself against his psycho logical tricks. What kind of person does this? I don't expect his diagnosis in this forum but generally, what is the type of person I seem to be describing? Any further suggestions/advise? Thanks.

I hope you can see the deliberate, measured intervals. They may not look "loud" but when you're trying to sleep, they are. The large wave form in the middle is me rustling around.

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Re: need help with abusive neighbor

Postby brokendrummer » Thu Jan 14, 2021 11:21 pm

On top of it all, my car is disabled. It had a parasitic electrical leak and I had to start with charger. Now it stalls when I put it in drive. I'm totally ruined and I need help to get through all this. Will power is drained and I can't seem to jump start that either.
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Re: need help with abusive neighbor

Postby Snaga » Fri Jan 15, 2021 1:45 am

I suppose you could try ignoring it. I mean- if someone is trying to get under my skin, last thing I want is to let them know that. I've been in environments where people would go out of their way to try.
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Re: need help with abusive neighbor

Postby lilyfairy » Fri Jan 15, 2021 5:09 am

I don't think I can offer many helpful solutions to you, but wanted you to know that you're not alone- I'm going through the exact same sort of thing, only my obnoxious neighbours are downstairs. I've currently had to move out for my safety, while I keep paying rent :evil: . Most people tell me I just need to find another place, but like you, I really like the place I live in, but for the idiots I keep having to deal with, and it's hard to find clean, decent, affordable rentals in my town.

I've sent an (yet another) email, this time pleading with the agent to please do something, because the guy I'm dealing with is becoming more aggressive. Are you renting, or is it your own place?

I have used noise cancelling headphones without music with some of my neighbours before- wasn't a complete fix, but it gave me a tiny bit of respite from some of the droning sort of background noises going on- actually blocked out a lot of their thumping music surprisingly- was still audible, but easier to deal with. They were only a cheap pair from Kmart, so no big expense spared.

Are there things you do that define when you go to bed, like turning off all music/TV etc. that you could maybe leave on instead so it's not so obvious to them?
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Re: need help with abusive neighbor

Postby DoDecaDon » Wed Jan 20, 2021 7:07 pm

I know it's not a great help but have you ever tried noise cancelling headphones while you try to sleep?
They work great for me
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Re: need help with abusive neighbor

Postby Muttonchop » Sun Feb 14, 2021 8:10 pm

Years ago when I lived in an apartment the neighbor next door used to play the stereo so loud that it sounded like it was next to me. I knocked on her door and tried to reason with her, but to no avail. I used to bang on the wall too. Eventually she got evicted for non payment of rent.
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Re: need help with abusive neighbor

Postby Oblivion » Thu Feb 18, 2021 9:56 pm

I empathize with your situation. I have a problem with my downstairs neighbor. She can't snag a man, so she bought a sound bar for her TV.

Unfortunately these situations are hard to advise because they're different in every case.

Your biggest problem here is that you started the feud. In a more sensible world, it might seem that you should be the one to end it, but people, in general, make little sense, and the only way I can think of to end it would be to apologize. But there's no guarantee that will work since he's the one who has been unreasonable from the start. If you're that desperate, apologize and offer to mow the lawn for him. I know that sounds extremely humiliating, but it depends on how unreasonable he continues to be and how badly you need your peace and quiet.

The only other thing I can think of for you to do is nothing. Literally nothing. Do not complain, do not confront him, nothing. Since you pissed him off initially, it's likely that his anger from finding the lawn mower in front of his washer will fade over time.

Don't play your music loud enough to annoy him. Try to avoid seeing him when you go out. Keep your blinds closed at night. I know this sounds humiliatingly passive, but any attempt to continue demonstrating your displeasure with him will ensure that the and his partner will continue to purposely disturb you. By doing nothing, you are essentially ignoring him, and unless he is a complete asshole, he will eventually begin to feel foolish or bored in his attempts to make noise if he is not getting any satisfaction. Giving him even the tiniest hint that his campaign against your peace and quiet is working will simply spur him on more.

If this continues into the summer, throw some feces onto the outside of his air conditioning grill. That should clear him out for at least a day. :lol:

Failing that, do you like dogs? Get a German Shepherd. Name him Rush.
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