Hello people,
This is my first time posting on a mental health forum. I am reaching out because I really feel like I am in a lonely helpless place. For me, and probably many others, the virus has made my life much more isolated. As I get older my family gets further apart and that it is making my illness worse.
I guess the topic of this post, is how did you feel when you finally realized, or accepted, the cold hard truth that you may have a moderate mental illness? Something that is at least disabling and causes distress in your life? Maybe it ruined your finances, relationships, friends, family or physical health? I have always been in denial of mental health issues out of self preservation. If I accept that I am damaged, I feel desperate and hopeless. Seeing what my mother went through was terrifying. I know my cognitive bias must change.
A little background on me. I am beginning to think that I have a functioning form of schizophrenia. My mother has a decently gnarly case of schizophrenia and my dad was a unloving functioning alcoholic. He talks to himself and has a very hard time making decisions. I feel screwed in life and feel like I have been dealt one hell of a wild card. I don't want to blame them, but I do. If you have an illness and you have a family that actively, and emotionally, supports you then consider yourself blessed.
I am in a treatment outpatient setting. I have been diagnosed with Severe Anxiety Disorder and Substance Abuse Disorder. I heavily abused benzodiazepines and I was a wreck. I always knew deep down that I may have schizophrenia. But I could be wrong and benzodiazepine abuse is very unpredictable and produce some wild and varying symptoms. Rather than a diagnosis, I just need support.
Do I have delusions or hallucinations? No, but when I am under tremendous stress, I believe I have experienced two mental breakdowns in my life during the last three years. I struggle with anhedonia, severe lack of motivation, and have anxiety that keeps me away from forming normal relationships. From all my bad decisions, its embarrassing to form relations with normal people. I know no one is quote unquote normal, but I think you get my drift. I just bond better with flawed people, but sometimes struggle to find them or be accepted.
I will probably even feel embarrassed writing this. I really need support with real humans right now. Now mind you, my life is not all bad but I am headed down a dark road. I think that if I reveal my weaknesses to people, my fear of them will disappear. I was constantly made fun of in my early 20s because of my thought processes and emotional issues. Little did I realize that I was acting like a man child because of my lack of proper development from my parents.
I do take medications, one of them being Rexulti, that I just started and it helps. Anyway, I have a ton of embarrassing stories that I would I like to relate to people with. I think I need to tell my treatment team my concerns. I often act as if everything is alright out of fear.
What are my options? Where can I really find support in this world? If it is a real serious mental health issue, do you actually stand a chance and how did you do it? At the age of 32, time is not on my side in regards to where I'm at. I do have a lot of college credits and am pursuing Human Services as a field but I do not feel ready.
Thanks for reading.