by Snaga » Fri Oct 09, 2020 2:54 pm
I have harm OCD.
I might also have some sort of disassociation. Call it... OSDD- I don't think (but if I did how would I know it) I have complete switching of personalities but I've identified like five other distinct personalities in me that I think are mostly less well-defined than in full blown DID but still they're there.
One of them is fairly dark, he's the angry, destructive one. My harm OCD really, really wants to worry about that, because people with intrusive OCD fears or thoughts will worry themselves sick over that they won't be able to stop themselves from doing something destructive or being whatever it is that they fear.
And when my brain starts to touch on that I have to stop, and back away from that line of thought, and have some faith that in my 50 plus years on this planet, I haven't done anything serious to myself, that I wasn't perfectly aware of. IF there is disassociation, even full DID- and maybe especially in that case, because a person with fragmented compartments like that, constitutes a system. That was created to deal with something or somethings that were traumatic or just too stressful, whatever. Childhood trauma is the usual event given as a reason for it to have started. So you go peruse DID forum you'll see a lot of systems have one or more Protectors, whose job it is to protect the whole in various ways. I'm sure some Protectors also know when to put the brakes on something potentially fatal or very injurious. Otherwise I suppose we'd run short of folks with DID for them jumping off cliffs all the time.
So while I have an 'alt' (not claiming I really do have Alters, just for convenience sake that's what I'll call it) who kind of scares the others, I have to have faith that the others have been keeping him in check for God knows how long, and that they'll continue to, since as a whole, we- I, me- have no desire to seriously harm myself or others. I say serious, because actually self-harm is what brought me to PF, I have a tendency to hurt myself when under too much stress, or remorse, etc. But except for two or three rare times, I don't go too far in harming myself that it's going to be something that might require medical attention. I mean, yeah it leaves a mark but I'm careful to not usually go too far with it.