yep

i suppose this is just me throwing a line out to see if there's anyone relatable out there to talk to.

i have one of those things you can't talk about in early life that has led to depression and guilt.

fast forward to 11 yo. withdrawn. bad parents. i seek refuge on the internet, places like 4chan. i encounter a "gore video" and have an existential crisis. sick to my stomach i felt compelled to investigate one more on an even worse website. it was way worse and i didn't dare look at another. i felt nauseous for months and couldn't get the video out of my head. i began to have intrusive thoughts about human evil in general. i started to refuse to have fun or enjoy life because i felt as though doing so would betray victims of human evil. my personality shift enraged my dad further. i withdrew even harder becoming mostly mute.

from middle school on my brain was abused in a variety of ways that has resulted in the regrettable state i'm in now.

i went from feeling a weird urge to put pressure on my head such as squeezing it between a mattress which led to banging it on the floor until i saw stars to ultimately fracturing my skull with a blunt object 5 years ago. i was over prescribed medications by a psychiatrist who would later lose their license for malpractice. it was unrelated to me and i only found out years later. but i knew something was wrong during the process but was too withdrawn to say anything. i eventually quit all of my meds cold turkey which as im sure many of you already know is a very bad idea and damaged my brain further. i've experienced mental and physical abuse from others and i've gone deep into various drugs, further frying my brain.

i've had hundreds of panic attacks and each time it feels like my brain is swelling. nowadays i've cut out all of the self harm and drugs but the damage is done. i'm extremely paranoid and mistrustful of people. i have on and off delusions. widening and worsening intrusive thoughts. ptsd, post concussion syndrome, psychotic depression, hppd, dp/dr and paranoid personality disorder.

i'm 29 now. i would love to sleep forever but severe guilt and love for certain members of my family keep me going. they only know a fraction of what has happened and i want to protect them. but it is tough.

don't be self destructive and don't let others hurt you. i have so much regret.

i've never really reached out before and so i've never known anyone i could relate to so feel free to message me if you wanna be internet friends. peace and love and hope to you all.

Do you have any support atm?

Willow