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Obsession

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Obsession

Postby bellic007 » Wed May 20, 2020 11:37 am

I am addicted to religious groups like 12 steps to come out of my porn addiction. I am afraid that this groups will make me more neurotic and sick than I am. Like I was unable to believe in a higher power but the group calls and daily Dsr meetings and sponsorship and all is brainwashing me to a level. That i started to acknowledge things like hp which seems so non existent for me at present but are forced to believe. That i become more like delusional start to think that i have a life only after curing from my addiction. That only everything will be okay fate addiction is cured. I started to think wheather the trauama that happened in my life has anything to do with me. Which is not at al true. Like I don't think I am sinner from birth that forgets to follow God, but I see myself as a survivor of trauma. And even though I had another trauma happened which makes me think this continuous destruction of my life happens because of absence of higher power which makes me so sad. Because I feel like if I'd not pray another trauma will come and destroy me into pieces. This makes me so Vigilant and delusional and prejudiced. I started to hate world for what it is.
So the more and more I attach to this program i developed some bad copedency with pseudoscience. Like thinking just talking with someone can help me to stop my pornography addiction. Like that my reality was totally distorted by this program. I started this program because of a relationship failure. I had beliefs that just because I was an addict and not a religious old guy that person left me. Which makes this program so attractive to me. So I chased this program in order to be good. This program has big convention with my past and i trod to left from this group many times. But again some relationship problems will trigger my memories of this group and I Wil come back to this group requesting for an entry.
Nowadays I think any relationship us codependent. And we must not open our hearts or to depend on another for anything. I started to suspect normal dependency as codependency and started to think that the ideal life like Buddha or someone who is not deepeneded on anyone. I started to idolize that and try to become that by doing such programs.
I still believe I become totally independent of everything in this world by doing this 12 step programs. Also i tried to replace this with other smart program which too made me crazy and my perfectionism just shattered into pieces.
This program makes me so Ashamed to a level that I can't look at me after a Relapse. I think I am a loser and whole lot of other things. And I failed because I was am addict..
I lost my sense of reality and I am trying hard to be Easy towards myself.
Dx Body Dysmorphic Disorder
Self diagnosed Dissociative Disorder
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bellic007
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Re: Obsession

Postby thegentlepath » Wed May 20, 2020 4:19 pm

Hi bellic007,
Not all 12 step meetings are alike, but I may be telling you something you already know since you’ve been to so many. In my experience, many people have trouble with the belief in a power greater than themselves. It doesn’t have to be a religion though. What do you believe will cure your addiction, or do you believe your addiction can be cured? Good luck in your journey.
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Re: Obsession

Postby bellic007 » Thu May 21, 2020 3:17 pm

thegentlepath wrote:Hi bellic007,
Not all 12 step meetings are alike, but I may be telling you something you already know since you’ve been to so many. In my experience, many people have trouble with the belief in a power greater than themselves. It doesn’t have to be a religion though. What do you believe will cure your addiction, or do you believe your addiction can be cured? Good luck in your journey.


I actually don't have a belief in such a power inside myself. It happened during a bad time, I was going through some period of low self esteem and sexual frustration and all because of a crush I had with a girl. This made me think of some power and I got an invitation from somewhere in some group by a person. I attended all the meetings and did everything he told me to do. He had a sponsor for me and this sponsor kept telling me that my father was bad and my father was good and like that. This person destroyed my own connection with my family made me restart smoking for the sake of soberiety and I called my mother a prostitute because I thought she killed my fathet through passive aggression. This sponsor helped me study many thought stopping techniques and told me to pray all through the day. I prayed everyday and become more neurotic I start to sleep in seperate room and started to go-to upper rooms in my house to stay away from my mother because I though she will destroy me just like she did to my father. I hated her and I daily gone to the Meeting for revalidation do my traumatic past. That sponsor destroyed my sense of identity by being rash to me when I relapsed and said that I must do anything to not relapse and he suggested smoking also. I smoked and I lost my identity I thought of leaving my home and family because I think they will destroy me or use me and went to a nearby city and worked there for 9 months. I had been in the program all through this and I changed sponsors and new sponsors came but I had somewhat lost my whole identity to this 12 step things. Like I become so preoccupied with the program. I forget I had another underlying issues like body dysmorphia, dissociation and all which need care. I used my whole time to pray and pray and pray. I got into fights with my team leader and was kicked out of my company. Now I am back in the house and I can't still stop the 12 steps. But day before yesterday I once again called my mother a prostitute. I had that much anger inside me. Actually that personality was so foriegn to me. I don't know and this comes each time I burst out every time when I am actively doing the program and I understand I am somewhat like in a cult. Now i am 1 day away from that group. I need to take f2f therapy by some counselors and must stop using religion and higher power to heal my mental lines which need special care from a licensed practiotioner..
Dx Body Dysmorphic Disorder
Self diagnosed Dissociative Disorder
User avatar
bellic007
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 450
Joined: Sat Apr 11, 2015 4:51 pm
Local time: Sat Jun 06, 2020 4:03 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Obsession

Postby thegentlepath » Thu May 21, 2020 4:30 pm

Seeing a counselor sounds like a good idea. I don’t believe in prayer, but everyone is different. What works for one person may not work for another & vice versa. It’s important to consider your comorbid conditions when undertaking any course of action. Good luck in your journey.
thegentlepath
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 502
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 7:16 pm
Local time: Sat Jun 06, 2020 2:33 am
Blog: View Blog (109)


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