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Why do I enjoy hurting my mother? (and others)

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Why do I enjoy hurting my mother? (and others)

Postby FredricG » Thu May 14, 2020 6:56 am

I don't know what part of the forum to post this in. Moderators, if you know, please move this to the appropriate area.

Anyway, this is my welcome to the boards.

I am an 18 year old male diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and Autism Spectrum Disorder. I take zoloft, lithium, abilify, and klonopin to stabilize myself. Anyway, on to the pressing matter at hand.

For the past decade, I've been in and out of therapy. It started at 8 years old for anger management. Now, 10 years and hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on my mental health (residential treatment centers, hospitalizations), I'm still struggling. Majorly. But the issue I want to talk about is the fact that I seemingly cannot stop hurting other people emotionally.

As a child, I was subject to very little discipline from parents. But that's beside the point. My father is deceased, he killed himself in late 2014 *mod edit*. I had just turned 13 one month prior. I was the one to find the corpse. My mother is alive and has been remarried for 2 years now, and I have never gotten along with my stepdad.

Especially to my parents, I am a pathological liar and very emotionally manipulative. I always feel this urge to lie about just about everything I do, and I've been doing that for god knows how long. I lie, I've stolen my parents' money before, and I've driven their *mod edit* Escalade on impulse before I had my license and took it for a joyride around town and the result of that was banged up rims that I had to end up paying $2000 for, paid back over a year and a half from working a part time job. I was lucky nothing else happened and that I didn't get pulled over. I've never been in trouble with the law and I have a clean criminal record and driving record.

I have very low self-esteem and I don't feel much else other than constant depression and rage at everything. I'm always angry. It's just not always super intense. In essence, the only reason I do not commit crimes like murder and things like that is, well, because they're illegal and I would get locked away for life or even given a death sentence. Not because it's morally wrong to do so, but because it's illegal.

I know I'm all over the place here and I apologize. But I need to get this all off my chest. I have brought my mother to tears over and over again and she's just in constant despair over the fact that she thinks she failed as a mother and just constantly feels backstabbed and hurt by me. For this reason and the fact that I can manipulate her like a puppet on a string, my stepdad hates me and I can't even look him straight in the eye anymore. I can hardly even look my mother in the eye. I've said sorry and seemingly genuinely apologized so many times now that it no longer has any effect on my parents.

And honestly, I don't really feel that bad about what I do. I know, I'm a horrible person for saying that, but I really don't have any remorse for what I do UNLESS the person I hurt is actively benefiting me in some way, shape, or form. And then once that person is out of my life or they are no longer useful to me, I'll just pretend like they don't exist unless I need something from them again. I have a girlfriend, psychologist and psychiatrist and I'm too afraid to tell them any of this. I don't want to be a psychopath but that's what I feel like sometimes.

I like seeing reactions in people, especially ones of hurt and despair. I've lost the ability to feel for others, and if it's still there, I don't know what it's like anymore. I've been lying, manipulating, and living this shell of a life for over 10 years. Even as a child, I did not do anything I was told to do unless I was forced to do it. If I was punished by having something taken away from me, I'd just go find it and start using it again. I still did that until I moved out.

It's too late to save the relationship between me and my parents but something has to change in my life.

I don't know what to do. I need help.

Please help me.

Last edited by Snaga on Thu May 14, 2020 8:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: graphic depictions and/or privacy detail issues
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Re: Why do I enjoy hurting my mother? (and others)

Postby thegentlepath » Fri May 15, 2020 2:52 pm

Hi FredricG,
welcome to psychforums. I’m not an expert, but from reading your post, you might have ptsd. One of the symptoms is anger. I struggle with expressing my anger constructively, but I’ve lately found a free app helpful. The app is called aims for anger management. Aims stands for anger & irritability management skills. It was developed for veterans but anyone can use it. I’ve found it helpful. Just a thought. Good luck in your journey.
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