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What's Wrong with Me

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What's Wrong with Me

Postby mydarknesswithin » Fri Mar 27, 2020 12:04 am

I'm terrified to talk about my issues and have kept them a secret for a long time. I've never told anyone, and I've been experiencing this since my memories began (about 5). I'm 36 now. Things got better for a little while, but now all of a sudden it's getting worse.

I kept it all a secret because I'm afraid that I'll be rejected and locked away in a room with white walls. I don't want things to go back to the way they were and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to ask for help because I know that the psychologists who work for the government want to use me for money and research and they don't care about me. I'm hoping that someone will read this and give me advice or things to look up that might help. I'm trying to write this quickly so that it doesn't make me stop.

Almost all of my childhood memories are in the third person. From about 5 to 14, when I close my eyes and try to remember, it's like I'm floating near my body and watching things happen. There are some memories I'm not sure are mine because they don't make sense. I'm scared to say it out loud because it sounds insane but I think someone put those memories there or I absorbed them from someone. I don't feel like that all the time, but when I do I avoid people because I'm afraid I'm going to take in their memories. If it happens in public I try to stay away from others and I hold my breath when I'm near them so I don't take their memories in. When I was a kid I couldn't tell the difference between a tree and a person. Like what's important. It always felt like a movie or a simulation where everything is just there. Sometimes when I looked in the mirror I couldn't see myself. Like I was there but it wasn't me.

There are times where I can't remember things. Not like just forgetting something. It could be 12 in the afternoon and I'm just suddenly there and confused. I can't remember anything before that moment but I know I was doing things because when others talk about the day I'm in there. It doesn't matter how hard I think, all I have in my mind is a mess of color and half images and sounds that don't make sense.

I'm terrified to say the next part. I feel so crazy and like I'm in danger just saying anything. I don't want to disappear.

Ok. I feel like there's an entity inside me. It has always been there. It got better for awhile but things are getting worse. It talks to me and makes me do things that sometimes I don't want to. Sometimes it talks in words and sometimes it talks in images. Sometimes it's mean to me and sometimes not. When it's mean it likes to make me hurt myself and tell me how worthless I am. When it's being mean it tells me how happy it is to hurt me and how much I deserve it. When I say it makes me do things, I mean it takes over my body. It made me *mod edit- self harm in multiple ways*. I try to resist, but it is such a powerful compulsion that I feel like I'm shrinking inside my mind and then I'm outside my body watching it do things I don't want to do. I wanted to tell someone but it gets angry if I even think about it. It's getting really angry right now but it hasn't started yelling at me yet. I think that's because it knows that nobody in my life will find out about me writing this. It threatens me if I want to tell someone and it's so scary. It says it'll erase me if I tell someone and I think it can since it's inside me. When it gets angry it gets very loud and intense and sometimes it punishes me by making me do things I don't want to. I have self talk like other people describe, but this is different because it's coming from something else. It tells me that it won't kill me or let me kill myself because it wants to hurt me for the rest of my life. It whispers to me and likes to bring up old memories to humiliate me and point out how worthless I am.

Sometimes it's not mean. Sometimes it compels me to get up in the morning to start the day. I feel like it's more intelligent than I am. It pays close attention to patterns and makes me research things it wants to know. I've spent so many hours researching things, sometimes up late at night when all I want to do is go to bed and sleep. It makes me do random things sometimes too. It would make me step on an even amount of cracks when I walked places. If one foot stepped on a crack the other foot had to step on one too. Sometimes it made me keep count and that is exhausting. Sometimes it makes me say or think random things that don't make sense. Cry, fly, and die, you are the apple of my eye. It made me say or think that a lot for weeks.

Sometimes it's in my dreams. If it's there it makes me have night terrors and when I wake up after those dreams my body is paralyzed and I can't move for a few minutes. Like I'm awake, but I can't make my body move. I also used to have debilitating anxiety where it doubles me over and I get sick. One time when I was a kid I was walking down the sidewalk with my mom and the anxiety hurt so bad I had to lay down right there until it passed.

It got better for awhile, but now all of a sudden it's getting worse. I forgot the entire morning today and I'm hearing it again. I can hear it right now and it's getting really angry about me writing this. It's getting really hard to think and everything is cloudy. I've got the things that are done thank you.
Last edited by lilyfairy on Wed Apr 01, 2020 10:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Details of self harm methods removed as per forum rules
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Re: What's Wrong with Me

Postby Manners73 » Thu Apr 02, 2020 5:37 pm

'it's' you.
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Re: What's Wrong with Me

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Fri Apr 03, 2020 9:53 pm

It was very courageous of you to reach out. Severe neglect and/or abuse in childhood causes a lot of damage. It makes it very hard to trust other people and to feel like one deserves to have their needs met.
Last edited by NewSunRising on Sun Apr 05, 2020 11:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Please see the sticky on diagnosing , which is not allowed here .
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