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Postby ducksback » Wed Sep 18, 2019 12:52 am

Hi, I just have a quick question.....

I'm a second year college student. I'm straight A and love to learn. But I don't respond well to stress. I've always easily gotten disassociated. Almost to easily. I don't talk to psychologists or even my family, whom I have great relationships with, so I'm going anonymously on here.

I've always easily gotten disassociated, normally in periods of stress- any type of stress (trips, schoolwork, etc.) Anytime I'm disassociated I tend to think a little more paranoid but I think that's normal. My question is:

What is this? Since around April, about when my second semester at college started getting more stressful, I started to slip. Oddly not that much cognitively (I was still able to do advanced math and problem solving) but very much emotionally. I started to suspect certain teachers and people were against me. Now I didn't really believe that, but a portion of my mind refused to accept any other possibility-- this illogical conclusion had to be possible.

Throughout the last few weeks of semester, I started having unserious suicidal thoughts. Those waxed/waned depending on whether or not I thought I had less or more work to do, respectively.

Anyway, I finished my second semester with a 4.0. I finished on an emotionally high note, and stayed that way for a week or so. Then I started dipping back into how I was those last weeks of semester. This time it wasn't as bad, and it waned later on in the spring to the point that it wasn't bothersome. But It was always there. My entire summer I spent wondering what it was. I would flip through several sides of me in a day--go from extremely ambitious to down and unserious suicidal ideation.

A few weeks in July were really bad for me. There were 2 days in a row when I didn't feel motivated to do anything. But those I consider my lowest days. Never have I had as bad a day since-- but It still has not left me.

Anyway, I had that kind of baseline "down/suicidal ideation" feeling throughout the rest of the summer; It didn't really affect how I outwardly appeared or the work I got done (I was studying a little bit for the next semester and reading a lot) but nevertheless it was there. And some part of me wanted it.

By August, It was almost eradicated. I was looking forward to the school year. I was in a very high mood throughout the weeks. And then I started my second year.

So far, I have been performing well but recently It's back. I go from High to Low in a matter of hours. Like I go into one class super down, suicidal ideation,come out another class an hour or two later full of hope and energy. I think this revolves around how much work I think I'm getting done or how well I'm performing, but then throughout the summer it had nothing to do with that. I go into class, get distracted, come out a different person. Then I come home, and quickly disentegrate back into it. Mornings and nights I'm usually at my worst.

When I'm at my worst: self-harming ideation, sometimes suicidal, not necessarily serious, but obsessive about it. Constant fantasies about connecting with people, something that is very hard for me to do. I have no friends. I am short tempered with family members and have some paranoid thoughts, but don't believe them. Fear hallucinations I never have. For some reason actually somewhat like being in this state.

When I'm at my best: Loud, talkative, arrogant, intelligent, creative. I love this me.

Often my moods change with a single thought. What is this, and how long will it last? Is it just a symptom of my final teenage/childhood years? Could it be an autoimmune disorder, too?
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Re: Question

Postby quietgirl2538 » Wed Sep 18, 2019 5:52 pm

I'm only trying to be helpful, so when I write that you should consider seeing a professional, such as a therapist, I only mean it to help you so you can be on your path to be 100% well.

Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist?
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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Re: Question

Postby chrisallen88 » Sun Oct 06, 2019 3:37 pm

Seek professional help?
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Re: Question

Postby protos » Wed Apr 29, 2020 8:10 pm

ducksback, hello!

Before you'll decide to looking for the "professional help", let's read my story.

When I was the student, eslecially also on the second year I had similar experiences like yours.

Now, I am an adult man, and have less experiences like that, but have them sometimes. And what I want to tell you?

If in the past, on the studies I percieved my experiences like paranoid thoughts, or obsessive suicidal thoughts, mood changing like the terrible, mysterious and strange.

I thought, that this experiences will put me ultimately in psychiatric hospital one day, but nothing w like this was never happen.

I think, people around us have usually obsession to be NORMAL, and this can be real trouble.

Believe or not, but there is possible to live normal and be aware of a bit paranoid thinking style.

Now, I am perceiving them as... old, a bit annoying friends.

BTW, what is the field of your studies?
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