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Cycle Of Weirdness

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Cycle Of Weirdness

Postby iknow » Tue Aug 13, 2019 7:05 am

This is a bit long and may or may not be in the right subforum.

I have these strange recurring problems that seem to cycle, they cause a pretty significant amount of destruction to my life in certain areas.. including interpersonal relationships. I recognize the dysfunctional things I do.. for the most part.. usually after the fact. Sometimes I'll recognize it while a certain behavior is happening, but I can't stop it... it's like I'm sitting in the passenger seat and someone else is driving. I'm not sure if it's solely anxiety I'm dealing with or something else. I'll list some of the things I do/think/whatever and the pattern.

Spring and summer seems to be my problem areas. In Spring I start distancing myself from anyone and everyone close to me, people I care about/value/respect. It starts out with just a type of withdrawal which I justify as being "too busy" and I believe that myself.. as do they (I have a very busy lifestyle). I do feel less social in the Spring (I'm normally very social and extroverted), I feel resentment towards anyone who tries to spend time with me or talk in-depth to me.. I'll genuinely feel like they're trying to take pieces of me or get something from me. I start to distrust people I trust. Towards the end of Spring I'll start villainizing the people close to me... I look for anything 'bad' about them.. traits, things they've done or not done etc. They all become 'bad people' to me and I believe it, I can't recognize the pattern while it's happening.

As summer progresses I start to feel agitated/irritable/restless and anxious. When I'm in this 'phase' I'll push people close to me away harder.. and if they try to talk to me about anything.. especially my behavior.. I'll start lashing out towards them.. not like yelling or anger, it's pretty rare I behave explosively. It's more hitting all their weak points and areas I know will have the most impact verbally.. in hurting them.. to keep them away. I'm not thinking that at the time though, I just feel very out of control and irritable, like someone else is in charge and I can see and hear what I'm saying but it's not really me and I can't stop it. I can come off a bit narcissistic then too.. at times.

After that very irritable and lashy out 'phase'.. it moves into something else.. a lot of intrusive thoughts and feelings that are very powerful and overwhelming.. an intense feeling of sadness and worthlessness, self loathing. I literally hate myself during this time and I feel (and the thoughts tell me) so does everyone else.. things like "They're just around to get things from you". The thoughts go along the lines of "You're toxic to anything you touch" "You ruin everyone's life" "Everything would be better if you weren't here" and on and on. They're very loud and intrusive and have the same feelings to go with them.

This last Spring.. around the time I started distancing (again).. I started seeing things differently.. like I'd be sitting outside looking at the trees and think/feel "The world would be so much better without me" and I'd think about who better would be living in my house if I wasn't.. it's weird and I can't explain it. I wished very hard that I'd never been born.. I wished to go back in a time machine and prevent my own birth. That went on all through Spring and eased off early summer.. just in time for the agitated phase to come.

Now with the agitation (lash out crucify style) gone, it's similar to above but stronger.. it's progressed from wishing I didn't exist and hating the fact I do.. to wishing I'd be fortunate enough to just die of something or be killed.. to thoughts of making it happen myself. It's accompanied by so many thoughts and feelings that don't feel like they're mine. The most prominent to me are the deep and unexplainable sadness and anxiety. I have no reason to be sad, really, I have no financial stress and a lot of security. No bad or negative events have taken place in my life this summer, in fact, only good positive ones.

This has been going on for years.. every Spring/Summer. Other included oddities are nightmares, sleep paralysis, insomnia (even when my insomnia isn't at its worst.. I hate sleeping and night time.. I tend to pace around), stuck images in my head that will play over and over (they mean nothing to me but are unpleasant).

I'm here.. because I have no idea where to start looking to try and figure this out, if I can figure it out at all. I recognize the damage I do to the people around me and I can't be trusted not stay consistently stable.. even though I feel like I can be all fall/winter. Psychs are out of the question for me.. I've been there and tried that.. I repeat the same pattern as above so never get anywhere. It's something I have to try to understand and deal with on my own, given I can't hold onto any form of relationship myself for an extended period of time.

Has anyone here experienced similar? Any links to read that may relate to any of this would be greatly appreciated. I'm not looking for anyone to diagnose.. I don't like labels. I'm only looking for anyone who can relate of help point me in the right direction. I've hit a dead end. TIA.
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Re: Cycle Of Weirdness

Postby realityhere » Wed Aug 14, 2019 12:09 am

Have you considered reading about manic depression or the bi-polar spectrum? There are many online sources regarding this disorder.

Not saying that you're bi-polar, as what you're experiencing may be something entirely different. However, from what you've related in your post, bi-polar can be a possibility, just my guess. I had a close friend who cycled in mood swings every fall/spring with phases lasting several months and the phases cycled continuously throughout her life. Not all ppl with bi-polar rapid-cycle and only have bouts of mania/depression occasionally in their lives. In addition, some suffer primarily depression phases with few mania episodes. There is a spectrum of bi-polar, and no one person with bi-polar is exactly like another's bi-polar.

For my friend, it was a major relief to understand what had troubled her for so many years. Which is why a therapist's diagnosis can help in such a case. I understand you don't want a label, but I hope you'll re-consider seeing a therapist some time down the road.

Wishing you a healing journey!
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Re: Cycle Of Weirdness

Postby iknow » Thu Aug 15, 2019 9:46 am

realityhere wrote:Have you considered reading about manic depression or the bi-polar spectrum? There are many online sources regarding this disorder.


I haven't read up on it. A few years ago my Doctor suggested it as a possibility.. and put me on Seroquel. He said even if it wasn't the problem the seroquel could help me sleep and slow my mind down. It did nothing for me... didn't help with sleep at all either. He said months later that he didn't think I had bi polar or a mood disorder. He's not a psych though, but I *think* he was consulting with one a few years ago for that.. not positive though.

realityhere wrote:Not saying that you're bi-polar, as what you're experiencing may be something entirely different. However, from what you've related in your post, bi-polar can be a possibility, just my guess. I had a close friend who cycled in mood swings every fall/spring with phases lasting several months and the phases cycled continuously throughout her life. Not all ppl with bi-polar rapid-cycle and only have bouts of mania/depression occasionally in their lives. In addition, some suffer primarily depression phases with few mania episodes. There is a spectrum of bi-polar, and no one person with bi-polar is exactly like another's bi-polar.


Hmm maybe it could be that then. I'll read up on it and maybe check out that subforum. It would kind of make more sense.. given the fairly predictable pattern. I've never shared the part about the more down feelings with my Doctor etc. But I suspect they're aware to some degree anyway.

realityhere wrote:For my friend, it was a major relief to understand what had troubled her for so many years. Which is why a therapist's diagnosis can help in such a case. I understand you don't want a label, but I hope you'll re-consider seeing a therapist some time down the road.


I've seen several psychologists and therapists, it never works out. Sometimes it's my sabotaging (I'm too good at it) and sometimes they're crazier than the people they 'treat'. A year ago the therapist I was seeing said my suicidal feelings were selfish.. among many other inappropriate things. I took a break.. and met with a psychologist this summer, he was okay at first.. then kept upping how often we interacted and insisted on more and more face to face meetings.. then moved them to his house.. then made a pretty inappropriate proposition. I won't be meeting with therapists/psychologists again.

If I feel bi polar fits me I'll consider meeting with a psychiatrist to discuss it.

realityhere wrote:Wishing you a healing journey!


Thank you! And for your reply.
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Re: Cycle Of Weirdness

Postby quietgirl2538 » Thu Aug 15, 2019 3:43 pm

Hello iknow,
It's so hard to know what we have or don't have. We can assume many things. Cyclothymia, bipolar, unipolar depression, chronic depression, bipolar I or bipolar II, seasonal affective disorder, and others, etc. The best thing to do, is to talk to others and share symptoms like you share here just to get some input and some sharing and of course support for you. And also, of course, first consult with a professional. Here on PF, we are merely a peer support forum and I hope very much that you find that here. Support on your journey.

Besides Bipolar I, I've been diagnosed with ADD. Mixed together it's sometimes hard when I experience episodes of depression or even mania. I mostly have depression. At this time, I am stable.

How are you feeling today?
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*I take loads of meds, but they keep me stable :D

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Re: Cycle Of Weirdness

Postby realityhere » Thu Aug 15, 2019 6:25 pm

"met with a psychologist this summer, he was okay at first.. then kept upping how often we interacted and insisted on more and more face to face meetings.. then moved them to his house.. then made a pretty inappropriate proposition. I won't be meeting with therapists/psychologists again."

Ugh, totally unprofessional. There are those in this field alright, but it does take some effort and time to find the right therapist who will click with your dialogue and maintain professional behavior. I can understand the frustration.
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Re: Cycle Of Weirdness

Postby iknow » Fri Aug 16, 2019 10:33 am

realityhere wrote:"met with a psychologist this summer, he was okay at first.. then kept upping how often we interacted and insisted on more and more face to face meetings.. then moved them to his house.. then made a pretty inappropriate proposition. I won't be meeting with therapists/psychologists again."

Ugh, totally unprofessional. There are those in this field alright, but it does take some effort and time to find the right therapist who will click with your dialogue and maintain professional behavior. I can understand the frustration.


The general area I live in seems to have a higher amount of inappropriate/entitled people. Actually, I went outside my general area last year and came across the same thing.. so it may just be me.

quietgirl2538 wrote:The best thing to do, is to talk to others and share symptoms like you share here just to get some input and some sharing and of course support for you.


That's what I'm aiming to do. Maybe I'll check out the bi polar forum and see if anything clicks.

quietgirl2538 wrote:Besides Bipolar I, I've been diagnosed with ADD. Mixed together it's sometimes hard when I experience episodes of depression or even mania. I mostly have depression. At this time, I am stable.


I do have ADHD, allegedly. I've been diagnosed with it several times throughout my life.. but I never felt it fit completely, I don't get the anger/frustration/short temper that I've read about. I can relate to parts of it. I don't remember what parts.. I just remember reading something about it and relating to some things.

I don't think I'd know or anyone around me would know if I had mania.. because I never slow down as it is.

Which reminds me, I think I have some sort of dissociation too.. I'd forgotten about that.

Thanks for the reply and sharing.
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Re: Cycle Of Weirdness

Postby quietgirl2538 » Sat Aug 17, 2019 2:49 am

I'm glad you could benefit from our back and forth posting. Did you know that in order for you to have bipolar I, all you need is one episode of mania. No more. Just one. And other different criteria too.

I do agree it's good to try and learn what these different types of diagnoses entail. You may learn something about yourself in the process, whether you seem to exhibit certain symptoms or not. I've learned that I was clueless as to the existence of bipolar. And I've had it since I was 18.
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Re: Cycle Of Weirdness

Postby iknow » Sun Aug 18, 2019 11:08 am

I had no idea you only need one episode of mania. I had something that could have been that during the summer a few years ago.. it entailed the worst insomnia I've ever had.. I would fall asleep for seconds at a time randomly (I'm told).. from not sleeping like a normal human. I broke up with my then bf in May of that year (I can never make it past April/May without pushing people away). I ended up leaving the Country and went on a summer long spree of self destructive behavior. The two summers following that were similar but different. This summer I rely heavily on prescription narcotics.. which I've just kind of noticed I'm doing. My doctor gives me pretty much whatever I ask for.. between he and I and he omits it from my file.

I journal regularly.. so everything is written down that I've thought/felt/done. I'm starting to think it may be some kind of mania thing. I'll bring it up with my dr. From what I've read it's treated with drugs as opposed to therapy.
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Re: Cycle Of Weirdness

Postby quietgirl2538 » Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:35 am

iknow wrote: I'll bring it up with my dr. From what I've read it's treated with drugs as opposed to therapy.


I definitely recommend you bringing it up with your doctor. Just to add to what you shared, on a personal level, I have my bipolar diagnosis treated with meds (yes, lots of them :oops: ) and also therapy. I see the therapist when I am at my lowest or when I feel I need some type of support that I just cannot receive from my own family or friends. Or I just want my privacy protected. Or any number of reasons, I do turn to my therapist. Therapy has helped me grow as a person and has been so good for me.
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Re: Cycle Of Weirdness

Postby Jen123 » Wed Aug 21, 2019 5:27 pm

Hi iknow,

I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 awhile back (mostly depression, a little hypomania). Now that I've been through more therapy I've realized that my "down" times corresponded to times where thoughts or memories from my past were trigger by something. I wonder whether spring/summer might trigger you somehow if you have had any past traumatic experiences. If you don't remember any, you might talk to your parents, if you are close enough to them. They might know if something happened to you in young childhood. Of course probably everyone will read your post and see it through the lense of their own experiences and I see trauma everywhere! But still I thought I might give a perspective outside of mental illness altogether. Take care of yourself *heart*

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