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Cycle Of Weirdness

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Re: Cycle Of Weirdness

Postby iknow » Fri Aug 23, 2019 7:46 am

Jen123 wrote:I wonder whether spring/summer might trigger you somehow if you have had any past traumatic experiences.


Yes... I've had a few.. but I'm so used to that stuff happening that I don't think it would affect me that much. First was in childhood.. around 6 years old.. which for years I could only remember the things I was told to scare me to keep me quiet.. not the actual experience, but I more recently stumbled upon it in one of my journals from when I was a kid and still remembered.. then it all made sense. It definitely poured the gasoline on my life.. which goes up in flames at the mention of a match. Beyond that.. nothing until adulthood, which I think impacted me further/harder because of the childhood stuff. I suppose it's possible this cycles around the timeline of the incident(s)... which were all Spring and Summer.

Thanks for your reply.
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Re: Cycle Of Weirdness

Postby Taramafor » Wed Sep 04, 2019 4:18 am

I only skim read but I think I know what's happening. If my experience with others that did the same things is anything to go by.

First, Weird doesn't have to be bad. dysfunctional doesn't have to be bad. In fact it can be good. Normal can be bad (very much so in fact). Lots of room for subjectivity. But basically simply stating "That's weird/dysfunctional" gives me nothing to go on. There's no reason there, you see. Don't fear "difference and change". If anything embrace it. Because you want to change. I can tell. You will have to "change how you function" to do that. And operate outside of what you're normally doing. Be weird. Be different. Just make sure it has a logic to it. And truth. Note: Truth. Not excuses.

However, you then stated you claim you're "too busy" and push others away. And that you actually believe it when you say it yourself. This is a reason (actually it's an excuse but I'll get to that). This is something I can work with. But you're not going to like my answer to this.

Being blunt. Anyone that claims they're "too busy" is simply saying they're not making the time or effort for others. Wherever they WANT too is another matter (it sounds like you're conflicted?) I don't care what you do. I have my own problems, I have my own struggles, I have to do things in my own time that overwhelms me. And after all that there's other people to deal with. But I DO deal with them. I am NOT an excuse to ignore others or push them away. It's as simple as that. If you got a PROPER reason for doing that then state the REASON ITSELF. Like fear of being close. Burn out can be a thing and something to balance but that is something I do work on (rather I make sure others work on it. I handle multiple people more easily then others). Be HONEST with your answers. Just keep in mind that if they're flawed you can be just as equally flawed. You currently have your own flaws but that's a part of being human. Excuses however isn't being human. Excuses are excuses. And whats more it's lying. That breaks trust. That breaks relationships. People can tolerate it when they care and want to be there for you but then you say you push them away harder. Maybe there's things others are doing that make you push them away. Is someone deciding for you? Being too controlling? Think about it. And also think about how people might not mean to do those things.

You're probably suffering from guilt. For not accepting others and wanting too but being too afraid too (lovers especially can struggle in this area). This eventually leads to low self esteem (seems to be a common trend for some reason) which leads to pushing others away. Perhaps because of not feeling like you're "good enough". I went through a bad case of this where someone tries to push me away. I didn't budge. I didn't stand for excuses. I pushed for proper reasons. But that was me. I'm more aware then others and can do that and have a spine when I need too. You might want others to do that with you but fear can be a right bitch. If THEY can't do it then YOU have to get things started. Which means not pushing them away but instead making the time to be there and communicate more. Even I can become deathly afraid. I don't let it silence me, others do. What I'm saying is that others may be silent about talking to you about why distance is there which causes you to respond in kind. Basically, communicate more. And try to make less excuses. Push others for answers and give your ow honest responses. And maybe claim responsibility for making excuses (to them I mean).

You might also suffer from depression due to other reasons. Which circle back and let you make the EXCUSE of not having enough time. You know it's an excuse but you tell yourself it. I'll come back to this topic in a moment. Suffering from severe depression is a valid reason. All I can really say to that is that I make others happy and more relaxed even if they find me a pain at times (keep in mind it gets worse before it gets better. eg: "New relationships". You WILL want to avoid others before spending time with them). This isn't about "time" though. This is about "presence". You either want to be around someone or you don't. And if not then the question is why. Frankly, I don't care what you do in the day. Unless you're working a 24/7 shift you CAN make the time and effort. no ifs ands or buts. Wherever you CHOOSE too or WANT too is another matter.

Try thinking about things like trust issues and irrational fears. You know, the "real" reasons. Chances are the core problems lie in those areas. Maybe jealousy too. I can trust someone that admits they have irrational fears. But maybe you WANT to lie to put in the distance. Ok, sure, you can do that. But if you do you're not giving someone a straight answer. Lie. Tell the truth. Up to you. But in my experience lies and excuses always make things worse. Like... A lot worse. Seriously, talking bad $#%^ here. I have yet to see a situation end bad when people were honest. The truth can hurt but excuses and distance does the same. Pick your poison.

Now, as I stated earlier, "telling yourself over and over". You can KNOW it's a lie or/and an excuse but the thing is if you tell yourself something enough times then eventually you believe it. Even if you knew the truth beforehand. It's a lie today, but what if tomorrow you tell yourself you're the worst person on earth? And believe it? I want to stress the next part very clearly and it may make you afraid. Doing exactly that is how I went insane in the past. Less excuses, more facts. Fact is, you can. You're either too afraid too or don't care enough to try. Or maybe someone hasn't given you enough incentive in order to do so. But that's where communication comes in.

If you insist on making excuses to others at the very least try not to believe the lie yourself. I fear for your sanity if that happens. Or I would if I cared about you. Eh, you know what I mean. Not going to pretend to care about you when I don't know you. I am however aware of how dangerous ignorance and lying can be so consider what I said on the subject of honesty. Not just with others but also yourself. Start believing the lie and you start believing anything. That's where things can get... dark.
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Re: Cycle Of Weirdness

Postby iknow » Thu Sep 05, 2019 6:27 am

I don't lie to people close to me.. whether I'm currently pushing them away or not, once someone is 'in'.. they're in and I never lie.. even if I dislike them after that. Even people who are not 'in'.. it's rare for me to be dishonest. I mainly lie to myself, unintentionally.. and that's part of the problem I can't break or figure out.

When I'm in the pushing people away thing.. I come up with ridiculously valid reasons and I'll share those reasons with another person or two and they're so good that who I share with will always agree those are good and logical reasons. In reality.. when I'm not in that weird phase.. the things I come up with as valid reasons don't even bother me at all.. they're just what my mind can take and make a strong case out of when I'm pushing people away. I can't stop it when it's going full swing.

I'm too good at making and presenting logical, factual 'cases'.. to myself and others. Some cases I present are full of obvious holes... when I'm more conflicted and information is blurring together in my head.

My problem is not understanding why I do this and this cycle thing.. I'm starting to understand some of the mechanisms etc.. no idea how to break them.. and maybe I'm tricking myself into thinking I'm understanding them to keep myself away from the real reasons. I've been able to keep it a bit calmer.. by choosing to sleep when I'm exhausted and legit insomnia isn't stopping me from sleeping... rather than choosing to do something else more interesting instead. I'll figure it out in time, I have no doubt.

I've shared all of this with the people close to me, so they're aware and aware of my tactics and approaches and hopefully minimize as much damage as possible in the meantime.
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