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Nothing has any meaning... No one is anything...

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Nothing has any meaning... No one is anything...

Postby jaxonseven » Wed Jul 31, 2019 4:43 am

Ok to start with i'm 22 years old. I am diagnosed with GAD/Agoraphobia. But i feel like i am undiagnosed with something else and i would like your opinion.
My life is consumed with the fact that i know something is wrong with my brain. I 100% know their is something wrong with me and it first started when i was 14, i was a normal boy but i all of a sudden went shy and never spoke (because i realized i was gay maybe? *not sure*).
Then 16+ i started drinking heavily. Then 17-18+i started dressing as a woman and would only go outside when i was wasted drunk dressed in woman clothing to get attention (*from boys*) (even if it was negative and people looking at me) but i liked it and it made me feel good.

All this time i was living with my mother (single parent) and she thought i was weird, and i was. I moved out of my mothers when i was 18, into my own place and i at least didn't have the constant argument and 'rage' battles with her that would drive me insane (i would say the most horrendous things to my mother (but in my opinions even to this day she's also crazy and very immature).

But then i made one new friend after moving in (the same and only friend i have to this day) (i only talk to him occasionally because i don't like going outside or talking to people unless i'm drunk. And a long story short i ended up trying a drug (mdma) (also i'm pretty sure it had left over mercury in it as it was metallic visually and it tasted like metal.. even thinking this i still haven't had a heavy metals test in my blood), aka we bought the cheapest mdma pills on the dark web and i took 5, and the next 3 weeks i was in and out of hospital having the worst panic attacks of my life and wanting to die and not understanding who i am or what i am.

And to this day i understand that nothing means anything, and that combined with science my drug views make sense. Life is backwards, nothing makes sense, we are all going to die... so we can theorize all we want about what we see and feel in this reality and what makes us 'happy' but at the end of the day we all die.. so it is all for nothing. I love my family but i also understand nothing is anything so who even gives a $#%^ about that.

Sorry for the wall of text really cant be bothered to edit it, nothing exists anyway. Only the immediate pleasure response :) Even whoever it is reading now, tell me who are you? Do you exist? Does anything matter? Give me a good argument that anything means anything.. and i don't want some delusion/non logical denial of reality. Also i go for walks every day at night and go to the shop atleast once a day, but i still dont feel any better ever, and the people i talk to (including my family) just annoy the ###$ out of me because they just dont understand anything of value.

I wish i could delude myself like them....

Stephen :( x
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Re: Nothing has any meaning... No one is anything...

Postby quietgirl2538 » Wed Jul 31, 2019 9:32 am

I was depressed for many, many years, at different levels of depression. I just want to share that my view of life at that time was grim. I am not saying you are depressed, but I myself was. I had everything to live for, my 3 children, my husband, a beautiful home, I didn't work, I could stay at home and other things, but nothing made me feel good. I waited patiently to die. To eventually die. My problem was a chemical imbalance, that showed itself to eventually be bipolar disorder Type 1. Have you ever seen a therapist?

I sympathize with you and I can actually empathize too, because I've been there. I call it dead to the world. Where nothing means anything and I only take up space. Sending hugs, if wanted.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

Bipolar I
ADD (not the hyperactive kind)
*I take loads of meds, but they keep me stable :D

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Re: Nothing has any meaning... No one is anything...

Postby jaxonseven » Wed Jul 31, 2019 3:43 pm

Thanks for replying, i'm glad you found things that make you happy in life, and i have tried to go to therapists but i just end up quitting because i feel like any therapist on the NHS is so bad and just infuriates me because its usually some 23 year old trainee that knows less about the world/actual psychology then i do (because i'm constantly researching 24/7) So i just feel like it's useless. Maybe that's delusional i don't know... but it doesn't feel that way.

I just feel like when you get to a certain point of understanding in life you cant 'unlearn' what you know, so its impossible to delude yourself that anything means anything. I just don't know anymore sorry to be all doom and gloom but i just can't see how people cant see it as the truth.

I just am aware that i don't even exist I.E everything i think 'im saying' is just from my sub-conscious that i have seen from other people so their really is no such thing as identity and even mainstream psychologists agree with that, and just the general feeling of just even existing and whatever the universe is scares me because we will never have answers, somehow some people find expanding their awareness 'liberating' but i just find it scary and sends me into some 'otherworldly' kind of feeling that just makes me want to panic.

I just want to feel normal like i did when i was 11 or something, but then again i don't even really remember what that felt like, it was almost as if this just wasn't on my mind 24/7 so it didn't matter at that age then something clicked and i'm forever screwed thinking like this, and i'm not even a bad person so i don't understand why i'm being punished
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