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am I HPS or schizoid?something is definitely different in me

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am I HPS or schizoid?something is definitely different in me

Postby hofcity » Thu Jun 13, 2019 10:48 pm

I have been wondering about myself for years, that Im different from most others. I will keep this as short as possible. Im male, 42.

I was a shy insecure child or so they say, but not too much so.

As a child I wasnt really interested in maintaining friendships with most other guys, instead I only had 1 good friend who I shared the same interests with. These interests were reading and discussing books, movies and sometimes going fishing.

as a 4-6yo child I was fascinated by numbers, in fact in my mind I tried to count to a million (yes I was familiar with higher numbers back then)

in general as a child I was usually alone, when outside I was usually lost in my dreams, for example laying on the grass/snow, looking at the skies and daydreaming or enjoying the randomness of the clouds.

As a child and early teen I would sometimes cry when what I considered to be unusual things happened (it stopped when I reached 13-14)

as a 8-14yo I was sometimes physically abused by other kids (yes bullied) and was never resisting it (in fact there was this mental stop in me, which kept telling me not to resist and to take the abuse, later it got resolved).

As a 20-30yo I barely had any friends either. Since I thought and think that most others arent really interesting enough for more than a causal chat. However those very few who were able to offer unusual conversations (for example those able to understand and fire back my lyrical abstract metaphors and add their own) were automatically considered interesting by my psyche. These people are very rare!

as an adult the biggest/most destructive events of my life are falling in love with those few girls who my psyche wanted to date and to discover on a deeper level. I never understood the concept of 1 night stands either since I think its too primitive and lacks a degree of depth.

There were 3 girls who I really REALLY liked in my life and I thought it was overwhelming on many levels. Each of these relationships ended up by knocking me out of life for 1-3 years and making me very VERY depressed. 2 of these girls dumped me and I was the one ending it with the 3rd one.

I think the world (I mean other humans, not the nature)is mostly a very unfriendly, cold, unempathic place thats overwhelming and sometimes scary.

I have never enjoyed parties or any crowds. I dont understand why others come together in large groups and discuss things which are too obvious and too uninteresting.

Im 42 now, single, recovering from my last relationship and Im depressed. I know I will be fine but I am still wondering what it is that was always made me different.

I know there are others like me but they are very rare
hofcity
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