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Will confronting my abuser make things worse?

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Will confronting my abuser make things worse?

Postby Briellewannabe » Sat Apr 27, 2019 6:25 pm

Hi I'm new here. I wasn't sure where to post...

I'm a woman in my mid-twenties. The past 4-5 years I've been struggling with major depression and suicidal thoughts and actions, stemming from child sexual abuse I endured from my neighbor between the ages of 4-6.

Recently I took action to locate this individual. I knew him only as "Mr. M," no first name. I found two Mr. M's that lived next door to me, brothers. I didn't know which brother was my abuser. One brother, "D," had a criminal history of drug offenses and cruelty to a child, he was also deceased. I assumed this to be by abuser as the other brother, "R," was clean.

I found R. M. on Facebook and sent him a message inquiring if he was the man who lived next door. He said he was. I asked him about an non-illegal encounter my siblings and I experienced with the man who later abused me. I expected R. M. to say that wasn't him, it was his brother, D. M., but instead R. M. stated he did recall that memory. I was completely taken aback--I was nearly convinced D.M. was my abuser and had not really stopped to think it might be R. M. I asked another question for clarification, and he confirmed once again that it was him. At this point I stopped contacting him because I started to spiral into negative-town. When I thought my abuser was a man who was addicted to drugs and had past criminal history with children, that made sense. I thought my abuser was a broken man who really didn't stand a chance in society. Now I know my abuser is a successful individual (according to social media, which I know isn't very reliable), it makes me feel stupid, pathetic, and weak.

Nearly a month after he sent me that message (and of which I didn't respond), he sent me another one asking how I found him, as we had no mutual friends on Facebook. I still haven't responded, but I feel I want to, I just don't know if it's going to cause more harm than good. I don't imagine if I confront him he'd confess--who would? That's evidence that could send him to prison. But it's killing me not to do something. I was wondering if anyone else had experienced something similar and had advice. It eats me up inside that I told no one as a kids, and the idea of letting him walk away again is making me feel weak and pathetic, but at the same time, I don't want his denial or angry reaction to make things worse either, as I'm not in a super stable situation.
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Re: Will confronting my abuser make things worse?

Postby Mr1020 » Mon Apr 29, 2019 1:43 am

I am terribly sorry that this happened to you. No one deserves to go through that. Since you mentioned that you are not in a stable place, I would not recommend saying anything. It is going to bring up a lot, and I don’t think it will give you as much closure and peace as you think. That is just my opinion as I don’t know exactly how you feel.
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Re: Will confronting my abuser make things worse?

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Mon Apr 29, 2019 5:01 am

Find a therapist you trust (and who specializes in trauma) and decide and plan with the therapist before confronting your abuser.
His "denial or angry reaction" could definitely make things worst especially if you're not in "a super stable situation"

It could trigger you or downright traumatize you even further. It could also increase anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation and impulsivity.

Do what you want, but plan it with a therapist first.
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Re: Will confronting my abuser make things worse?

Postby Briellewannabe » Mon Apr 29, 2019 2:04 pm

Thank you for your suggestions.

I do have a therapist, but she doesn't specialize in trauma. I may try to bring that up at the next session...
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