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I'm broken beyond repair. There's no hope for me.

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I'm broken beyond repair. There's no hope for me.

Postby mansnils » Tue Apr 16, 2019 7:48 am

Two independent doctors - one at mental healthcare and one at a healthcare center - have both ruled that my disabling fatigue is caused by a mental health condition. The healthcare center doctor believes I have chronic depression-induced fatigue. Does this truly make sense? I also have complete numbness, occasional incapacitating head tension, tingling, buzzing, soreness, oscillating vision, sleeplessness and nausea. How can they then say there are no physical problems? I've carried out a number of blood tests today which I'm confident will come back fine. I will also meet an Asperger's Syndrome team today with my nurse to discuss my future needs. But I've been referred to them by mental healthcare, so I doubt they will help my actual condition. They will discuss my upcoming home-care support and my AS, but they are probably not interested in solving my debilitating fatigue.

I feel hopeless. If my fatigue is indeed a symptom of a mental health condition, there's nothing they can do to fix it. They can't mess with my mind. And not even I can do that. I can't finish school and I won't be able to hold down a job. I'm a defective soul. I'm broken beyond repair. I shouldn't have been created. My creation was a mistake. I'm a burden for the society who has to both pay for and care for me. The society does not accept people with an obscure debilitating condition that nobody can identify. I don't value my current existence, but I should because you don't choose to exist. I should end my life so I can end my struggles and the burden for the society.
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Re: I'm broken beyond repair. There's no hope for me.

Postby shock_the_monkey » Tue Apr 16, 2019 8:37 am

try a raw food diet. the only time i've know my AS get any better was when i was fruitarian. you don't have to go that far but eliminating allergens and preservative might help.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: I'm broken beyond repair. There's no hope for me.

Postby thelast » Tue Apr 16, 2019 12:40 pm

Hi,
first I want to tell you that you just described how I felt my entire life. I understand it. I mean I understand it. The society today is a baby in what concerns the handling and understanding of the inner harmony and comfort, and is absolutely powerless when it comes to such extremes like yours. And mine. All the tools and advices out there are just incredibly sterile when it comes to existential agonies. It is actually a good thing that they admitted they don't know what to do and what you have, instead of giving you god knows what tools or medication, that would just mislead you, that would just worsen everything in the long run and most probably in the short run too. I know this "it is good that" didn't give you any comfort, it probably actually felt like being stabbed once more, but i wanted to accentuate that the "help" you would've gotten would've NOT helped.

But if I had to say to you only that which I just wrote, I would've chosen not to reply at all.

The fatigue, all those symptoms, are symptoms of incompatibility with the human society/community, but, and this is crucial, it is an incompatibility that was BUILT in you and that can be torn down.


Of course it sounds general and so far from an actual, true, tangible resolve. It is far, and it is hard. But it is possible. I have touched this stream and am moving now, actually moving. Sorry, but I'm going to repeat: actually moving. Please ponder my words. I am sure nothing is easy for you to hear, or to absorb, or to reflect upon. And it does not seem that I offered you a solution, because what I said implies diving, concentrating, thinking, analyzing. And you are exhausted. A truly mature society would've had enough experience to make it easy for you. Would've easily diagnosed you and easily identified for you everything. But it is not. You are in the position of being the "first surgeon" and learning it by operating on yourself. It is an immense work. It is not fair. But it is feasable.

However you feel about my post, just know, this wrote a person who every single moment of her life was in an agony word by word describable by your post, and that lately her pain "moved", her healing actually began.
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Re: I'm broken beyond repair. There's no hope for me.

Postby thelast » Tue Apr 16, 2019 1:41 pm

Specification: built in you by someone.
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Re: I'm broken beyond repair. There's no hope for me.

Postby mansnils » Tue Apr 16, 2019 3:08 pm

I occasionally feel lethargic. It's like I'm dying although I know I'm not. It feels as if my brain has entered a permanent state of hibernation.
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Re: I'm broken beyond repair. There's no hope for me.

Postby thelast » Tue Apr 16, 2019 3:55 pm

Yes.
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Re: I'm broken beyond repair. There's no hope for me.

Postby Justddrown » Fri Apr 19, 2019 2:06 am

You’re not worthless and you do matter. You should seek help if you feel suicidal. A hotline or anything that may be available. Not being able to finish school is ok. Having troubles is ok. Feeling down is ok. Needing rest is ok. Take care of yourself.
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