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Put it in the past?

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Put it in the past?

Postby Fawnette » Wed Jan 02, 2019 2:31 am

This is one huge pet peeve I have with some people, which I'm trying to overcome... which is the reason why I'm talking about it out loud here.

I mean, to be fair, due to my obsessiveness and the fact that I seem to get hurt easily (hello social anxiety) and I tend to have a very, very difficult time letting stuff go... I have sometimes been very, very frustrating for other people to talk to when it comes to sensitive issues.

Because I don't let stuff go easily.

Because I wanna talk about it at least twenty times and have all the intimate details, facets and whatever else put under a microscope, dissected, analyzed.

Because sometimes other people just want to deal with it briefly and move on... especially if, as they have probably told me at least fifty times, they already have enough going on in their own lives and they don't need any more drama. Or they just don't have the time or energy to deal with me and my petty little issues, understandably so.

Nevertheless....

I have always found it offensive when people seem to insist that we should all just put something in the past and leave it there, or that it is already in the past and I shouldn't even be bringing it up.

Even if the issue is still eating at me, and I feel like the "put it in the past" or "leave it in the past" is merely a cop-out excuse, like it's letting other people off the hook prematurely and allow them not to deal with what they are partially responsible for.

In some ways... I don't know. I just feel like "it's in the past" is like a dismissal and a denial on the part of other people, like they can just shut something off and refuse to deal with it any further, leaving you hanging with your emotions and a lack of acknowledgement that you might NEED from them to finish getting over it and letting it go.

But... it could be that some people just can't give you the acknowledgement you seek, or maybe they really are so busy with their own problems that your own obsession with trying to bring stuff up for final closure is toxic to them, so all they can do is try to shut things down. I dunno. :/
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Re: Put it in the past?

Postby phoenix1 » Thu Jan 03, 2019 1:40 am

I deal with this as well, but one thing I've learned, is that people truly only care about themselves. You have to push yourself to open up and truly care about others.

The false memories of wanting to know every answer, all the time, every detail, is something else I literally beat into the ground 50 times.....eventually I stopped caring.

I honestly quit caring. I started to handle my own s***, myself. I don't have ANY social media, I don't care. Nature and some books are good enough for me. Hell, maybe I'm weird, but I've found the less you're trying to balance the better. The friends that I do have (less than 20 I'd guess) are the best in the world, and I'm extremely particular about them.

There's not a set number of steps I can give you, you know, do this this and this and everything will be ok. I wish I could.

I spent years in near isolation, and adjusting to being alone was one of the hardest most rewarding things I've ever had to do. You eventually stop caring about what other people think, and it begins to fade away.

You start to find things to do alone that make you happy, I like books, music, traveling, food, coffee, etc. Most if not everything, I do alone.

You have such an upkeep of 'me me me, look at me, look at this, follow me on this, like and subscribe' etc. When you eliminate it all, you simply stop caring about every detail, and you start to piece yourself together. You will ask yourself "why the hell am I doing this, and why do I care"

I hope that makes sense. In essence, stop caring, dance to your own tune, and live a day at a time. Enjoy the simple things, learn to love yourself.
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Re: Put it in the past?

Postby Fawnette » Thu Jan 03, 2019 4:56 am

Thank you. That actually helped a lot.
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Re: Put it in the past?

Postby EmpathySucks » Thu Jan 03, 2019 12:10 pm

Are you sure that's just an issue of "putting in the past" rather than not getting assurance? You're clearly showing that whatever they may think about it, it seems important to you.

Also for the record, rather than "put something in the past" ask that it never happens again. Things that can be put in the past are simple blunders (forgot to lock your door, bumped into a wall because you were sleepy, forgot to brush your teeth, overcooked food, etc- note how all of those relate to your own actions) but you can't undo bad treatment.
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Re: Put it in the past?

Postby Fawnette » Thu Jan 03, 2019 4:12 pm

I think part of the problem is that some of the issues I'm struggling with had to do with the fact that I felt like some people I had gotten attached to were not giving me the love, attention and support I wanted or needed...

But I've also had a tendency to latch tightly onto individuals who were not necessarily bad people, but pretty unstable themselves and prone to temper outbursts.

I think part of the thing is that I tend to latch onto people who are excellent, sympathetic listeners to make me feel better... perhaps as a way to make up for what I never really got from my parents or anyone else. (I pretty much grew up in isolation, sheltered, homeschooled, and it is suspected I am on the autistic spectrum which makes socialization... harder for me.)

Only thing is... I seem to have gone through this cycle where it's like I would wow somebody because I seemed smart and charming I guess, like I had stuff to offer, but I was also kind of manipulative, making people think I was into the same things they were because I wanted a boyfriend, a surrogate parent, or... whatever it was I was looking for. Then I ended up disappointing people when they started to see I wasn't paying up longterm, if we started to do something together. Yet I was kinda acting like I wanted to be treated like a princess just because I was having problems and because I had a genuinely tragic backstory.

It probably doesn't help that during this time, I had the mind and emotional maturity of a child... again, due to sheltering and social anxiety.

I think the problem is that sometimes... my favorite listeners who I latched onto? It finally reached a point where they got burnt out and overwhelmed by their own individual issues, particularly since these were the types who got used because they tried to be helpful to everybody for a time.

So... one of these people in particular got mad at me a lot and felt cheated because I wasn't performing as well as he saw my potential, so he would get very snappy and even throw passive aggressive tantrums by insulting me through my writing. And when I clammed up or didn't say anything, he'd just forget that he did anything and if I reached a boiling point later on, he'd get mad at me for not saying anything sooner.

I guess in some ways, I'm just still hung up on this issue and still mad at him and a mutual friend because.... yes, I understand that both of them were going through hell on earth at the time. He was struggling with college, he had a horrible roommate, he had stress in his mormon faith and he was trying to find a girlfriend just to have every girl he met put him down. His best friend at the time was also dealing with divorce and a lot of related issues, where it seemed like every time that person turned around, SOMETHING was going wrong.

So... I think I get it, they had so much going on and got so worn down and burnt down that I couldn't exactly expect them to cater to me and my fragile little feelings or ego all the time.

But... I don't know, for some reason I'm still highly hung up on this issue. Maybe part of it is because I went in thinking that they were there to make me feel good, in a way that would make up for the distant aloofness I got from my parents. I had... maybe assigned them to be the people who would make me feel good all the time.

I guess I also thought that we had an agreement that, just because they said I could "talk to them about anything", that meant they were supposed to be open to me any time, all the time, 24/7. I guess, even if this is stupid and selfish, part of me just sorta feels like, "DON'T agree, or make a promise to be my emotional dumpster, if you're not ready or prepared to keep that promise."

Even though... that is selfish on my part, and it does mean I am a bit of a leech.

I don't know. Maybe in some ways, this is part of my mental problems, but... maybe part of the reason why I feel so bent out of shape that they wouldn't really let me talk about stuff as much as I needed to, and they weren't always open to receive me or talk to me, is because... I had staked a claim. They were MINE first. At least, that's how it was somewhere in my mind. And... I guess I never learned to share people.

Fact is... you do gotta share people. I know this sounds like a ridiculous way to put it, probably, but... there will always be something you gotta share people with. You gotta share them with their baggage, their issues, with their other friends, with their responsibilities, even with their own thoughts, emotions and opinions... they will never just be a handy comfort toy for you to pick up whenever you want it and put it back down when you're done with it.

....I hope this made sense somehow. ^^;
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