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I want to suffer

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I want to suffer

Postby pierogi » Sun Dec 30, 2018 9:02 pm

I've pretty much isolated myself from any people who would care about my well-being in any way. I live with emotionally abusive parents and I resent my whole family to the point that I wouldn't think twice if I had a convenient way of never seeing them again.
I'm mentally stuck at the age of 15, even though I'm basically 20 now, still holding onto the plan that I made back then, that I want to suffer and I'll do ANYTHING to make myself suffer, because no amount of it is ever enough for me. I do attend sessions with a psychologist (a psychologist, not a therapist, mind you, their presence was convenient and it was the only reason that I decided to talk with them), but honestly it doesn't help, I'm too closed off, talking about things that don't really matter to me, unwilling to change that one basic principle of pain I made for myself.
I guess there ain't a single person in the world who could save me except for myself, a person who abuses others just to hurt themselves. I don't know what to do anymore, it was my plan all along to destroy myself and every way out there could be for me, I guess I just can't keep it inside anymore.
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Re: I want to suffer

Postby kaf » Sun Dec 30, 2018 9:18 pm

You’re not alone... it’s difficult to get your head around that but there are so many including myself that are in a similar situation, I think that’s the only way I can console myself://
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Re: I want to suffer

Postby kaf » Sun Dec 30, 2018 9:23 pm

What has your psychologist concluded? And what do you think has lead to you being this way?
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Re: I want to suffer

Postby pierogi » Mon Dec 31, 2018 4:24 pm

Like I said, I didn't really talk about all this with my psychologist. I usually only mention "the thing" that I don't want to talk about and they don't pressure me. It's been a bit over a year since I started attending sessions and I'm only starting to open up a little, trying to look past all the distrust that I harbor.
I don't think there's a single reason for me to be like this, it's rather hard to find a memory when I wasn't this way, my father is abusive, both controlling and neglecting me, making physical threats towards both me and my mother (who puts father's needs over hers and mine), there were also a few accidents when he did hurt me physically, the rest of the family is also horrible, more than once I witnessed my grandfathers' threatening their wives with violence for "disobedience", they either tell me I'm too fat or too thin irrelevant of my physical state atm, they don't accept me at all and try to change the way I even dress since many years. The other side of the family are christians pushing their religious beliefs into fanatic territory, disapproving of the books I read, the subject I want to study and saying that the tattoo of a dragon on my hand I got is a sign of satan.
My school life has gotten a bit better since I gotten into technical school, I live in Poland which is a very catholical country and my parents' are not Catholics, so I never attended church and it made children in primary school bully me a lot, but neither my parents nor teachers ever did much about it.
I never had a healthy relationship with another person in a lifetime, either because I was just a plaything to them or I snap and start destroying the relationship.
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Re: I want to suffer

Postby Floralie » Tue Jan 01, 2019 12:16 pm

I relate, this is a lot like I was when I was at my 20s. I'm 40 now, so I have a lot of distance to what has happened, a right diagnosis, and I just last autumn got the help I would've needed many many years ago, trauma therapy. But to be honest, I probably wasn't ready for it before.

I thought I wanted to suffer too. My diagnosis now is dissociative identity disorder, and I still have a part, a boy who is 14, who feels the same feelings of mine back then. I thought I in a way wanted to suffer, but now I see I never did, and neither does Fourteen now. I was (and he still is today) unable to recognize the fact how anxious I was (and he still is). I thought I liked hurting myself, because it made me feel good, but the fact was, I was anxious, and hurting myself relieved the pain inside. The reason why I didn't know I was anxious, was for two reasons.

One: I never got to develop normally. I never had adults to help me with my feelings when I was little, so I never learned any names to what I felt. Also reason two: I couldn't feel it, because it was my normal. I had been anxious at least since a toddler, or even before, and if you have always been something, how could you tell it's not normal. It's your normal. That is so clear to me now, that Fourteen has these same symptoms, and every time he comes near me or to the body with me, I can feel his anxiousness, but he doesn't feel it. He can't, it's always there for him, and he's never lived a day without it.

If you don't know what dissociative identity disorder (DID) is, it's one form of traumatization. It's when you never formed one unite identity, because the lack of support and trauma that was too big for you to handle alone, so instead of one, you have several identities. In the old days people talked about alters, but that is not accurate term, today we use the term part, short from part of personality. So that is what I have (we have). There is more than just one of us living in this same body. But back when I was 20 I had no clue about it.

You have been traumatized, and the way you deal with it, is your way of dealing with it. You can't just stop doing it, as long as you live trauma. Even when you are destroying yourself, it still is there, because it's your way protect yourself. To protect your mind. Nothing matters to you, you hurt yourself too, so it wouldn't hurt so much when others do too. If you would try to protect yourself and fail, because others still do, it would destroy you. You can't let your only defense mechanisms just go. You need it, as long as the trauma goes on. First thing is to get out of there and stop further trauma. After that you need right kind of treatment, which is trauma therapy. It's where you learn how your mind works, and how natural it is that you reacted the way you did. But you can't have that help as long as you live trauma. Why? Because in there you need to learn, little by little, how to not escape how you feel. That is what are you doing now, with all force you have. If it would be opened to you now, it would make you worse. You feel you don't want help, because you are unable to deal with what is inside you. That is true, listen to yourself. You can't handle that as long, as it's still piling up.

I got stuck being a kid and a teen too. Now, at 40, my system (all parts of personality together) has created first part that is an adult. So now I am here as an adult, I go to trauma therapy, and I as an adult help those parts of me, who got stuck being younger. It's normal for a trauma part not to be able to grow up. Now I am letting them be kids and teens again, and try to heal all traumas they have carried for me for so many years.

If you have DID, some other type of dissociation disorder or some other type of traumatization, there is no way for me to know. Probably there is no way for you to know it yet either. You can start to find out after trauma is over. I was on my 30s when I started to realize I don't have my own identity. The reason for why I didn't know it before that was the same why I didn't know I was anxious 24/7. I never had identity of my own, so how would I have known how it would feel to have one? Instead of my own identity I had this very vivid inner world and people living in it, and I thought it was all imaginary. It felt kind of embarrassing to a 30 year old to live in imaginary world most of the time, so I didn't really want to talk about it, until I realized how much it affected to me. I am female, real female, feeling female, have been all my life, but I still went to gay bars and felt my sexuality was to be gay male. But I still wasn't transgender, which would have explained it. There was plenty of things in my life that simply didn't match, but still made perfect sense for me. And at some point I realized those others inside me were more than just imaginary. And they were, they are parts of the same personality I am too. It still took 10 more years to be ready to be treated.

I tell all this to you, so you don't need to waste as much time as we did. Half of our life. Problems you are having now, don't make you be crazy, any way. They are normal response to an ongoing trauma. You're an adult for real, you can move out and have your own life. Do what you want and don't stay in touch with your family. They are not good for you, they are an obstacle in your way to start feeling better. If you can't afford therapy, read. Read books about trauma, read books about structural theory, and learn yourself. The fact you told you feel you got stuck to a younger developmental state, tells me there is a reason to suspect your mind may be fractured. There are multiple diagnoses where that has happened, I'm not saying you have what I have. But as you learn what it means what am I talking about, you may find yourself from there. And you can visit all different kind of trauma based disorders pages in this forum. But as you still are living in trauma, there probably is a lot, that you may have, but can't recognize. Especially if you have something dissociative. It's because dissociation is denial, and it is subconscious. It hides itself and it hides anything and everything that it needs to. You are in a survival mode. Its not the time it reveals itself.

Most important thing for you is get yourself out from where you are now. If it's not possible now, make a plan how will it be possible in the future and make it your priority. You told you want to, but when it's time, your mind may still resist. Be prepared for it to resist. It's because you are stuck to be younger. And because you don't know who are you without the trauma around you. You will find out when you get yourself out. It will not solve and heal the damage that is happened already, but it stops it damaging you deeper. Getting out is just the first step, and after that you can start thinking what you have and how to deal with it. Because then it becomes POSSIBLE to deal with it.

Learn about trauma, learn about structural theory, learn about attachment trauma and attachment styles. You can understand your behavior better after you know about all that, and you can do it without needing to get into details to what has happened to you. Learning helped me to the point it became possible to have therapy, and be ready to deal with my own story as well. For me it's hard to trust people, I simply keep away from them. So I needed to do all base work by myself until I knew I'd gotten to the place after which I can not cure myself any further. We do need a healthy attachment model from a real life person to learn it. That is something you can't heal yourself. But I needed to understand all the theories to feel I still have some control over what happens to me if I take a risk and trust. Therapist is a safe person to have that relationship with.

You need to understand what is important, and what can wait. You are in emergency, in burning building and number one thing is to get you out of there. After that we take care of wounds. You can not do it the other way round, or you will burn to death.
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Re: I want to suffer

Postby brisme » Sun Jan 06, 2019 12:44 am

I actually have been on this site twice before and now I'm back after a situation that happened today. I planned to make my own post but you are pretty much describing how I feel now.

I realized on Christmas that I might be developmentally stunted mentally too. I said that I wondered how society would change when I "grow up" and then my mom pointed it out and I changed it to "get older". Honestly I was so embarrassed and I realized it then. Before that I noticed sometimes my conversations with my friends are very superficial and surface level. My parents would always tell me that my friends at school weren't my true friends and that only they would stick by me.

When I first came on here it was about feeling like I had emotionally abusive parents, because they never care about my feelings, tell me my feelings are wrong, or tell me I actually feel something else. I can't express any deep feelings or emotions without crying.

Today my mom was steam rolling me again while telling me that I need to prepare to graduate college. She was telling me something about a job that was incorrect, but she wasn't listening to what I was saying and then began to belittle me. I eventually got fed up and asked if I could leave, and tried to get up but my mom said no. I told her I didn't want to hear what she had to say which turned into a BIG deal. She got mad and started throwing stuff. Anyway, I apologized, but she told me I wasn't sorry. I just am tired of my parents telling me what to feel and ignoring how I feel. They get to talk to me any way they want, but if I say one thing in reaction, I'm immediately the worst.

I lowkey wish I could just be done with life. I'm worried I don't have what it takes to live and function in society. I'm worried I'm too emotional to have a normal relationship. I'm always worried that I'll do something wrong. I'm scared to try new things. I'm scared to be wrong. I'm scared to share my feelings, because other people will laugh or tell me I'm wrong. Honestly, it's the worst.

I get where you're coming from. Hang in there I guess? I've been thinking I should go to therapy, but I'm Christian so idk about that.
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Re: I want to suffer

Postby Naskela91 » Sat Jan 12, 2019 8:12 am

Hey man. I swear i can relate so much of what you are saying. I made myself suffer a very long time and i didn't fight it. I got sick at 17 and still feel around that age although i'm 27 now, i feel the years has been stolen from me. And currently feel so resentful towards my parents for never giving me any help. I feel angry at all my old friends who turned their back at me and i don't want to feel weak or show anyone i am weak. I feel like making a public note telling them how i felt for this past ten years and thank them for nothing. And they might have some blame but like you said i wanted to suffer and i let it happen.

And like i said this is my feelings ten years after going through that phase you are in. Sitting down and let the world destroy you will only make you bitter and miserable. It's not worth it. Unless you take control i promise there will not come anything good out of it.

I won't tell you what i think you should do, i don't know your situation so it's not my place but please try to get some meaning in your life. Try to find people. Find a hobby. Do anything in the world just don't let all the $#%^ eat you up. Personally i planning a trip to another continent to keep me motivated to restart my life but due to all my issues i developed through the years because of it it's not a easy thing to do.
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