Our partner

I died

Open Discussions about how Mental Illness affects your life.
*****PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE POSTING HERE*****

When posting on Psychforums.com please try to pick the forum you think best fits your post. If your post would fit in a specialized forum (there are more than 100 forums here) then please post there rather than in the "Living With Mental Illness" forum. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter. Moderators could move your thread without notice if they feel it is fitting better into another forum.

The Mod Team

I died

Postby Eggman01 » Thu Dec 20, 2018 3:20 am

I know I had made a post yesterday but I did not get to the core of why I feel the way I do. I feel like there is no returning to who I was before because of these thoughts.

I am currently in an emotionless state. I feel nothing. And in this state of nothingness I have come to ponder over emotions and what they are and why we have them. I can not come up with an answer. I don't know what emotions are, why we have them, and why they are important. I literally can not comprehend emotions anymore. They seem so idiotic and pointless. It feels like I have had my eyes open to the truth. What are emotions? Why can't we define them? Emotions according to evolutionary theory are just adaptions to help us survive and nothing more. There is no value to that. Love is just a tool and nothing more. Imagine trying to explain what emotions are to a sentient robot. You can't because since they did not go through evolution emotions make no sense to them. Aliens could have gone through different evolutionary pressures and evolved to have no emotions. It would make no sense to them.

I said I was atheist in my last post but I feel closer to agnostic in actuality. A god could have made us. And maybe they are deeper reasons to emotions. But I don't think we humans can find the answer. I look at humans and wonder why. Why live. Why feel. Why do anything. What purpose is there when emotions are not valid experiences. I feel like some psychopathic ubermensch. I can not go back to being human. I have opened my eyes to reality. I would say I don't like it, but I can't feel that emotion. I no longer know what to do. I have fallen into and empty hole with nothing left to do except let myself waste away into nonexistence. I tried reading philosophy over the past few days to find a counter argument but my mind accepts nothing because they can not explain why humans should find emotions meaningful in any way.

I wasn't always like this. But that part of me died a long time ago. I am nothing.
Eggman01
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 25
Joined: Wed Jul 16, 2014 6:19 am
Local time: Thu Jan 17, 2019 5:41 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: I died

Postby phoenix1 » Thu Dec 20, 2018 12:42 pm

You are fine, I will tell you that I have been through the exact same fire, and was close enough to killing myself. If you would like to talk privately, send me a message, and I'll be happy to help. I'm not smart by any means, but I'm an aerospace engineer and function fine in society, just not in my head LOL

The following is what I will tell you about my own experience, I'd like to see if you can relate, as I don't want to make this about me, just quickly tell you what has happened and how it has helped.

Quickly, I'm atheist/agnostic as well, I have pure OCD (it has to do with numbers and validity, can it be proven, is the data accurate, is it delusional, can it be repeated, etc.) I'm extremely introverted and nihilistic (people love being around me though, they think I'm the happiest guy ever LOL i'm a mess)

Emotions aren't worthless, but there is nothing scientific to explain why or what or how. Nothing. For example, when I went to therapy, I make my therapists cry. Therapy is more or less to make you 'normal' if you REALLY break it down, normal in itself is a delusion. People legitimately show up to building erected to worship something that doesn't exist, there's no empirical data for, and literally believe there's a sky palace mansion where you just live forever.

Normal, in our society, is to spend $60k a second on weapons to kill each other more efficiently, someone commits suicide every 40 seconds, a child starves to death every 10 seconds, etc. We're a 3rd world planet. The reality of it all, is that no one gives a s*** about anything but themselves. Look at social media. Me me me me I'm great, look at me, follow me, like my posts, here's a picture of my dinner, my vacation, my family etc. They don't show you the bad s***. Like hey, I really wanna die right now, and you know who comes to help? no one. You're on your own. People don't care. I literally sit at a desk, for 10 hours a day, looking at data and numbers as 'leaders' that are literally sociopaths lead everyone into war that we 'pray' about. You know what the global conversation is? Kim K ass, ending plastic straws, Brexit, which football team is worth a damn, etc. When imagine our planet being a reality tv show for another civilization in our galaxy, I bust out laughing.

"What's going on on planet Earth?"
"I dunno they're bombing the s*** out of each other, shaking their asses on TV and doing some weird ritual to something that they've never seen"
"We're not giving them our anti-grav"


We orbit one star out of TRILLIONS, out of TRILLIONS of galaxies. This is where is arrive at absolute nihilism, nothing matters, and I would say people are delusional to believe otherwise. God isn't real. There is no divinity, we exist by statistical anomaly, and prayer has just as much validity as me praying to a toaster. There is no goal or purpose to our existence, and we'll never know why, or if there's a why we're here. Eventually your mind will turn into 'fk it' and you'll stop caring.

In a billion years the sun will expand to the point where the oceans evaporate, and we're gone. We're the universe interacting with itself, it's beautiful really, and I'll explain why (in my eyes).

People on average will spend 14 years staring at a screen. That to me isn't living. The caviat is, you don't HAVE to exist. The universe doesn't have to do anything, hell, stuff is annihilating all over the place. I could evaporate in the next 10 minutes LOL.

Getting back to the emotion thing, my rules are:
1. Don't hurt anyone
2. Don't be a d***.

Other than that, go with the flow, because literally everything is out of your control. Your partner could leave tomorrow, I could die next week, etc. etc. Our society is a lost mess, one that we probably won't fix, and if you really step back and look at how stupid most people are, they strive for little slips of paper with numbers on them (backed by absolutely nothing, and is mathematically inevitable to fail, I've studied it for over a decade, if you wanna ruin your life study how fractional reserve banking works)

They talk about boring BS, sports, politics, weather...how great they are, etc. I literally barely talk or exist anymore. What's the point? No one wants to have a sit down conversation about aliens, death, existence, etc. We're too busy arguing over what color skin is better, or what gender I should be. I honestly don't like to hear my own voice. I let people just ramble.

You arrive to the point of 'what is there left to fear?"

The answer, is nothing, really. I fear excruciating pain honestly, but if I die, I will have no neurophysical memory of it. It is a zero sum equation.

So, the only answer I've found for myself, is love. Love is the only emotion worth a damn, and arguably sadness. You have to know love to know hatred, sadness to know joy, etc. One cannot exist without the other, but you can more or less pick one or the other.

I had a very good conversation with one of my friends dying of cancer, who told me "don't beat yourself up, you're getting a full life experience. A roller coaster without ups and downs is a pretty #######5 one"

He's right.

I know this is very brief, but what I'm getting at, is no matter what emotion you're feeling, the best ones are FREE, and it's a roller coaster, enjoy the ride.

Love is free. If you have the capacity to love, it's pretty cool, and I never learned it until I was alone, scared as hell, and wanted to die.

Now, when I look at people, I see a little piece of the universe, which makes no sense, and doesn't have to.

Please be easy on yourself, don't beat yourself up. You're definitely not alone, and I PROMISE you it gets better. Please PM if you'd like to chat.

The truth, and reality, is a b****. That's the greatest thing about it though, it doesn't matter what you feel or believe. Gravity, entropy, etc, doesn't give a S*** LOL :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
phoenix1
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2018 9:42 am
Local time: Thu Jan 17, 2019 5:41 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Living With Mental Illness Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 34 guests