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No longer human

Postby Eggman01 » Wed Dec 19, 2018 8:43 am

Hello. I just needed to write this out I think. Im 26 yeards old, a virgin, and still live with my parents with hardly no social contact outside them or a friend I talk to online. I know I have ocd. I had for it ever since I was 10. But over the years I have suspected to possibly have schizoid pd or depersonlization. I don't know if either of these are true. For years I have had very few and weak emotions. I wasn't always like this. I remember having emotions as a kid and gradually over time they disapeared. I dont know if it was being bullied, having harm ocd at the time, or being a very scared child as my dad raged at me a lot (no physical abuse). Overtime my emotions just grew less and less.

About 2 years ago, I had a mental breakdown over philosophical arguments I read over the internet. About there being no objective morality, life being meaningless, nothing matters, etc. It broke my world to pieces. Im atheist so I have no religion to fall back on. I tried constantly searching over the Internet for c0unterarguments against those thoughts and nothing worked. Somehow eventually I managed to break through and lived as normally as I can f9r the next 2 years. Still was mostly emotionless during this time period.

But now the thoughts have returned. I can't help but think how everything in life is pointless. Emotions are pointless and meaningless. Love is pointless and meaningless. Human life is pointless and meaningless. Nothing in life matters at all. I feel like I have had my eyes open and have seen the truth in life and there is no going back. I just look at everything humans do and see it as if I was looking at animals. I'm scared because of this i will turn into some kind of psychopathic monster that has a blue and orange morality. I say I'm scared but I feel apathetic to this thought because I don't feel emotions anymore. I don't even understand emotions anymore or what they mean. But I still don't want to be like this. I want to stop thinking like this but don't know how.

I want to go back to how I was as a child, that had emotions and was human. But I cant. That part of me is dead. I just feel so empty now. I'm going to a therapist tomorrow but I don't think they can help me. I am too far gone. I don't want to be inhuman being. Why am I like this?

I'm sorry for the rambling and that this wasn't much of an introduction but I feel so empty. I keep existing in the hope of being who I used to be again but I lost all hope.
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Re: No longer human

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Wed Dec 19, 2018 9:08 pm

You're not too far gone.
Therapy is a good thing, keep going. If you aren't making progress then change therapists.
If you "don't have religion to fall back on" look for spirituality.
Work on looking away from the meaninglessness / bigger picture that you're engulfed in
Look to what you can do today or set in motion
Like service / helping others in your personal life or volunteer or work
There are others who are struggling like you are too.
Regardless of its bigger picture meaning, reducing suffering and improving their quality of live makes a difference thus has meaning and gives you purpose and importance
More importantly it has potential of giving you freedom from the bondage of self (= your interpretation of reality) which could decrease your discomfort
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Re: No longer human

Postby Parador » Thu Dec 20, 2018 3:28 pm

I don't feel like a member of the human race anymore. But it doesn't bother me. I feel like I'm above it all. Like some kind of God! Think of yourself as a God and it won't be that bad.
Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.
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Re: No longer human

Postby pierogi » Sun Dec 30, 2018 9:23 pm

Hey, try reading about "positive nihilism". If nothing really matters and has any sense, then who cares? Do whatever makes you feel good, even in the tiniest bit. Maybe you can't be the same person you used to be, but you can always try and there won't really be any downside to it.
You mentioned that you're isolated from social contacts - make an effort and try attending some social events, talk to people, see a therapist, try leaving your parent's house and living on your own (it'll probably lift your mood since your father abused you emotionally). Hell, you can even try making a contact with someone from this site by sending them a DM sometime. Good luck, there's still a lot of time for you to grow.
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