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So Confused But Here I Am!

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So Confused But Here I Am!

Postby 666Realm » Sat Dec 01, 2018 10:59 am

Hi everyone, I am new to the forum. I have never been diagnosed for several reasons:
1. Because Mental Health issues is taboo where I’m from, i.e. if you have mental health issues, people think you’re “crazy” and that you need to be locked up.
2. I have severe anxiety, I cannot make myself schedule an appointment, let alone actually attend one.

Why am I here? I want to gain clarity on ASPD. I feel that I actually carry some traits that resemble some forms of ASPD and I am curious if there is a spectrum of some sort. Or could it be something else? I like to read about what others go through, their diagnosis, and maybe use that to compare and evaluate my situation.

I am in my mid-30s.

As a child, I was neglected, always told I was a mistake, never a parent’s favourite, I did not grow up with a father and I was also bullied at school, every single day.

As a teen, I was in physically abusive relationship. I developed severe anxiety with panic attacks in my early 20s. This is still something I live with. As I am a migraine sufferer, I take no medication other than my migraine pills (otherwise I won’t be able to function at all). As long as I avoid certain social situations that make me uncomfortable, my anxiety will not flare up. It is debilitating, as I can’t do simple tasks such as a quick run to the nearby store to get something I need, etc.

Nobody knows about what I go through (except for the migraines, which is not mental health). On the outside, especially to people I know, I am happy, very charming, I can get along with everyone and I make friends easily. On the inside however, I feel like a very different person. I am a loner because I don’t or cannot actually relate with people, my friends want to meet up and I lie about my whereabouts or situation to avoid them, in relationships I am manipulative and selfish. I don’t know if I’m explaining this properly, there is basically a “front” which is what everyone perceives me to be, and “reality”, which they don’t know about.

So online or any information anyone reads about ASPD, it’s pretty much the same thing. It is full of “hateful” descriptions: people who can be described as the “spawn of satan” have ASPD. That is the reason why I have never looked into this before now. On any normal day I am kind, compassionate, empathic, generous, etc. But see, my whole life I have struggled with these traits. I feel they are acquired and not innately mine. As a child we are taught almost everything we know, and I learned all this very early on, that we should “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. That has really stuck with me.

I have certain triggers - esp. when people piss me off - that turns me into this evil person; almost like Jekyll and Hyde. The wanting someone to get hurt, the no remorse, the lack of empathy, the indifference to their suffering, the zero compassion, the almost sadistic nature of my thoughts. All in just a split second of someone pissing me off, I develop extreme rage. I have conditioned myself to not react but my head feels like it will explode. Simple triggers like my laughing at a corny joke and someone telling me to shut up because the joke was not funny. When I was a child up to my teens, this was my norm. I would constantly be in fist fights, get into trouble. But because I was studious and look innocent, I was never ever punished.

I have a “parasitic” lifestyle that is well-disguised. I live off full scholarships, it is one full scholarship after another. I get them based on grades, but I have managed to charm my way into some. I always score on job interviews, so I find job-hunting easy. But I have difficulty committing to a routine so I leave the jobs and the cycle of job, study, job, study continues. I hate this cycle, but I cannot seem to stop.

Anyway, it’s great to be here! :)
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