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Video games, anger, and an out-of-control ego.

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Video games, anger, and an out-of-control ego.

Postby shipwrecked heart » Sat Nov 03, 2018 8:42 am

My relationship with League of Legends borders on unhealthy. And it's all my fault.

I don't know why, but I have intense mental issues. On top of Asperger's Syndrome or some other sort of high-functioning autism that makes socializing nearly impossible, I cannot play games without getting emotionally unhinged. I do not like dying. I do not like losing. I do not like anything that is not exactly what I want to happen and how I want it to happen. I cannot deal with it. Whatever it is. And over time it's only gotten worse.

I've been permanently banned three times. Suspended several more. And muted more times than I can really recall. My "mouth" (so to speak, since it's typing) is what gets me in trouble. Most would say, "Just don't type! Think whatever you want, just don't say it." but I can't control the urge. The second something goes wrong my immediate instinct is to say something. It's like a tic or a bad habit. "Luck" is my favorite word to use. It's the best way to protect my ego, I guess. Blaming random chance.

My current account has lasted as long as it has because I've gone to great lengths to cut League of Legends out of my life. I've played some, occasionally, when the I catch the fever all over again. But it never lasts more than two or three games. It's never long before I realize just how unhappy I am and how I could instead be playing World of Warcraft and enjoying life much, much more.

But the thing is that isn't satisfying. WoW is lovely, and I'm head over heels for it, but League of Legends is possibly my favorite game of all time. I'll never leave it completely. This is the longest I've gone without playing consistently but I still check in on it a couple of times a week. So this solution, while perhaps immediately the best choice, in the long run simply isn't satisfactory. I miss League of Legends. Dearly.

But I just can't fix my brain's bad relationship with it.

I can't just sit down and play. There's always some #######4. Whether I get mad, or I'm tired of jungle and support, or whatever. I can't just let it go and enjoy the game. I feel obsessed with sticking to the "two roles max" rule despite that not really being a satisfying way for me to experience the game - I need diversity, and every day I want to experience something different. I can't mentally stand playing through bad games it's like being stuck in a horrible relationship for 45 minutes that sucks the life from me.

I envy those of you that can just play every day and never give a $#%^ about what happens. You play a million different champions, you're decent at enough of them, and great at your favorites. You might have your best lane but you might play it one out of every five games because you'd rather just play for the sake of playing and being mid all the time really isn't something you need. You play the game for the sake of playing the game. You enjoy League of Legends and, win or lose, mid or support or top lane, you're just happy to be on the rift.

I really wish I could be like that. Leave my ego at the door and just play because I love the game. I do love the game. It doesn't love me, but I love it. When I get upset over a loss or when I lash out after a death, that's not the real me. The real me is the guy who watches a Youtube video of some guy playing Kled or some $#%^ and then immediately wanting to load up the game and play some Kled himself. But then the Bad Guy comes along, reminds me that it might go badly, and then punishes me when it does.

I'm tired of getting so easily frustrated with everything in my life. I just want to enjoy video games. I really wish I could reinstall League of Legends. This season has been really rough but next season looks like it might be the best ever.

One day I'll figure this all out. All I want is to play League without the emotion or ego. Just let me enjoy it, brain.

I appreciate you for reading this.
On my knees in a hundred dollar suit
Some think it holy, some just crazy
as the lightening provides glimpses of me
praying in the rain
Shipwrecked hearts start sailing
I wanna see my home again
Praying in the rain
See the ghosts start sailing
shipwrecked heart
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Re: Video games, anger, and an out-of-control ego.

Postby RamadanSteve » Sat Nov 03, 2018 6:14 pm

Look man, I'm not trying to be rude to you, I'm honestly trying to help you but you need to find other things to do other than playing video games all the time. I used to play video games way too much and I would experience intense rage myself, I don't have aspergers but I have BPD and have a lot of anger issues. There's a lot of other fun things to do in life that will make you feel better about your anxieties with games. When I started to cut down on my gaming I started to not really care about dying or losing in games because I realize that it has little value in the real world. I'm not saying video games are bad and that you shouldn't play them ever, but it's important for you to moderate how much you play for your mental health. I still play games sometimes and I'm probably going to buy Red Dead 2 soon but I don't get emotional over games anymore.


Good Luck
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Re: Video games, anger, and an out-of-control ego.

Postby RottenFish » Mon Nov 05, 2018 4:10 pm

I feel your pain. I used to be the same way with video games.

But the root of my anger was causd by my OCD. I had to be perfect at everything. Especially at video games.

To be happier with yourself, try to accept that perfection is not worth all your time, energy, and health. Losing is a part of life. We can't all be winners. And even if we win one day, we will lose the next day.
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Re: Video games, anger, and an out-of-control ego.

Postby furhuj » Wed Nov 07, 2018 4:53 pm

Thanks for sharing your story. If we can only choose our minds, I'm sure you will not choose something problematic. I just want you to know that it's not your fault and you're not alone. Seek a professional help in your situation
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