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This is a giant wall of brain mess [TW?]

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This is a giant wall of brain mess [TW?]

Postby OnesZeroes » Fri Oct 26, 2018 3:09 am

Gods, I don’t even know where to begin, there’s just so much.

Current issues
Sabotaging relationships
No friends (at all, not even on the internet)
No coworkers
Stuck at home (it’s not a bad place to be, but I’m 25; I want to move on) with no job/income
Constant hopelessness, everything feels like a pipedream
Suicidal thoughts
Aggressive, especially when sounds I dislike happen (e.g. coughing)
Giving up/quitting/relinquishing everything all at once
Regrets/remorse
Inability(?) or struggle to empathise with others according to previous friend

Questions/Advice to maybe consider during reading
-1 How do you think I can clean up my brain-mess? I’ve visited therapists but it didn’t help
-2 Should I pursue my friendship with the aforementioned person again?
-3 How does one maintain long, lasting friendships?
-4 Just spout whatever comes to mind.

I may or may not reply (as I wore my head on my sleeve and I tend to get anxious about that), but I will read.

Current situation background
I’ve struggled to maintain friendships ever since I was little. Either I “dumped” them, or them dumped me. It became a lot more noticeable in my teenage years (probably because I was getting dumped more often than being dumped). Most, if not all, of my friends in the past ten years or so have been online friends and I cherished them all. During high school, I had a crowd of friends at school, but began to feel anxious around them. They were always talking behind my back (even said things to my face), and basically began to estrange from me. My dad was also in the process of rejecting me as well (he was my “weekend” parent, I visited every weekend and we chatted frequently online, but then suddenly stopped taking calls, stopped e-mailing me back, refused to visit me or let me visit him, et cetera, only to find out he was visiting my ex-childhood friend instead). My online friends were always the ones I could fall back on, rely on, et cetera.

Current situation in depth
I finally have a friend who has dealt with my #######4 for the past… I wanna say 4 years, actually. We argue what feels like to me as “nonstop.” He’s very emotional and, in a way, I think he’s helped me become more emotionally expressive albeit impulsive as a result. Before, I didn’t allow myself to express. In a way, it was very hard for me to feel excited, happy, sad, angry, scared, et cetera. Now, I tear up over movies.

However, he’s so sensitive (at least in comparison to me). I can’t type his name a certain way without him getting riled up, I can’t give him suggestions during a dungeon without him getting upset (we play an MMO together, too, or did anyway), if I use certain words (e.g. “kay,”) it bothers him, and so on and so forth. Whenever something comes up, it feels like I’m walking on eggshells. I should say we also have different tempers: he dwells on things for months to years, and I usually “forgive and forget” within the hour. My anger and sorrow almost never last longer than an hour. We’ve lost a lot of good qualities and trust in our relationship, I think. I stopped apologizing because he refused to apologise whenever I was upset over something he did or said. Then he claimed I’ve never apologised to begin with (usually, I have to apologise 4+ times and “agree” to “the terms/request” 4+ times until he’s finally satisfied that his message came across “right,” so when he refused to apologise to me when I was upset, I just stopped all together as well.). Recently, when we fought about this, I yielded and apologised about something. Then he continued to barrage me with all the things I had done wrong that stuck with him over the past 4 years, as if I had to apologise over every single thing then and there. It felt like a witch hunt, and I said as much.

However, just as he is difficult for me to handle, I know I’m not without fault. I know I’m difficult to deal with. Apparently, I’m tactless and I supposedly struggle to empathise (I always figured that relating to someone, liking having been in their situation, was empathizing with them but…??? I guess I can’t relate to the emotion???). Whenever we fight, I tell him he needs to stop being so sensitive and dramatic and get thicker skin (meanwhile, it’s probably me who needs thicker skin). Then he turns around and says I need to be more considerate and sensitive (which I agree with). I’m even quick to get angry these days and just drop everything. Today I: dropped my friend, dropped my guild, dropped my guild house that I worked so hard to get, and am currently attempting to drop my community forum that I’ve spent nearly a year fostering, dropped another online game, got rid of my personal MMO house, ended my subscription (at long last because I can’t afford it anyway), and so on and so forth.

I have “broken off” with this friend of mine at least… once a month or once every few months to a year with this friend of mine (maybe less frequently if I have no sense of time, which I don’t), and then I always regret it as soon as it comes out of my mouth. This time, I didn’t even mean to break it off with them, I just wanted to stop making new commitments to do with them to see if things got better with time (because I had a feeling it was just a “bad time” for me again). Without being able to talk to them or hang out with them, I realise there were so many things we still wanted to do and were in the middle of doing. Every time I tell them it’s an unhealthy relationship, because it is unhealthy. I know I’m putting them through the wringer.

I had a friendship similar to this before, only no one was “breaking it off.” It was just very… not good. Not healthy. But I’m afraid that I’ll never have a healthy friendship because I’m not healthy. I try so hard, but it just feels like I’m losing control as I get older.

I am really struggling with relationships. My dad and 2year old cousin died when I was 20, both of my grams and another one of my cousins died this year (one gram and baby cousin having died the day before my birthday in August), and too many other family members to count in the past 5 years. Most of them I didn’t care about, these ones I do. Losing a friend feels like someone died, basically. The grief feels pretty much the same.

What I’ve done:
I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was in elementary school (started in middle school because of child abuse, but it didn’t continue). From my teens into my 20’s, my therapists basically labelled me as a “sombre intellect,” a “survivalist,” and that I didn’t need therapy. The first one didn’t even give me much of a chance. The second one laughed when I told him I had suicidal thoughts and then proceeded to talk about the movies he saw that week (all not knowing anything in his field, I’m convinced), and the last one said I was a survivalist but rather then helping me mend she decided to “coach” me into work rather than trying to help me mend from the abuse I endured for years, my feelings of guilt/worthlessness/hopelessness, and my grief from my dad having just died at the time which is what I hired her for. I ended up getting too anxious to even go to therapy so I stopped. Now I can’t even afford a therapist even if I wanted to, and I won’t ask my mum to fund it again (I’m 25 and still living with her for crying out loud, she does way more than necessary for me).

When I feel really bad, like “I want to die” bad, I google articles on what I’m feeling, I look around for hotlines, I then write what I’m feeling (as you can tell), and then it kind of passes. Like the worst of the worst passes for a little bit. It comes and goes in waves and I just do the same thing and so far it seems to work.

In conclusion
I just feel stuck. I’m stuck in my head, I’m stuck with my behavioural issues, I’m stuck in this “adult child” role, I can’t advance in college (It’s taken me 6-7 years so far to get a 2 year degree and I’ve honestly had enough. I can’t even imagine getting my diploma because I can’t do the developmental math course let alone the college level math course required), I may not be able to get a job in my field without a diploma, even if I could I’d need to move to a location where my job exists (and that costs money I don’t have), I can’t get another job to save up for my career choice job (1. I can’t do anything to do with food because of my coeliac’s, 2. All the jobs in my area seem to be truck driver related or CRN related), oh and I can’t drive. I mean, I technically can, but I legally can’t yet (no license, tried like… 5 times).

I’m just all over the place.
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Re: This is a giant wall of brain mess [TW?]

Postby anathegram » Fri Oct 26, 2018 7:47 am

OnesZeroes wrote:Constant hopelessness, everything feels like a pipedream
Suicidal thoughts
Aggressive, especially when sounds I dislike happen (e.g. coughing)
Giving up/quitting/relinquishing everything all at once
Regrets/remorse

These are all fairly common symptoms of major depression.

I ended up getting too anxious to even go to therapy so I stopped.

This is a fairly common symptom of having an awful therapist :(

(I’m 25 and still living with her for crying out loud, she does way more than necessary for me).

Therapy really can help, if you can find someone you're able to work with well. Nobody wants to be a burden, especially a depressed person, but consider that your mum might well prefer to see you trying something to get better rather than just suffering by yourself, even if she does have to pay for it.

Losing a friend feels like someone died, basically.

If you're feeling short on lifelines I can understand why, but…

Every time I tell them it’s an unhealthy relationship, because it is unhealthy. I know I’m putting them through the wringer.

It sounds like your friend put you through the emotional wringer for four years. Even if you are sometimes "difficult to deal with", don't discount the pain you feel. It's possible for your friendship to have redeeming qualities and be intolerably toxic at the same time. You say he says you can't empathize; I say that if he's unable or unwilling to understand how badly he's wearing you down, then it's not you with the problem. You are probably better off walking away from this. Sorry. :|

But I’m afraid that I’ll never have a healthy friendship because I’m not healthy.

I wonder this about myself. Some relationships are more healthy than others, at least. From far enough away, the relationships I don't regret leaving outnumber the ones that I do, which is good – I think?

General advice: time really does heal; hang in there. o7
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Re: This is a giant wall of brain mess [TW?]

Postby OnesZeroes » Fri Oct 26, 2018 10:46 am

anathegram wrote:
OnesZeroes wrote:passage

Thanks for the reply, Anathegram. :) I'm honestly surprised someone read all that garble.

It's been almost two decades (my GP noticed I had symptoms of depression when I was in elementary school), so it's kind of hard to believe "it gets better with time" because it's been so long, and frankly 90+% of my life (I can't math so that percentage is a guestimation, ha) and it doesn't get better. It comes in waves, sure. There's the calm and then there's the storm, but the calm is neither there to stay nor prominent.

But I get the sentiment. So, thanks

I'll try to find another therapist when I can find work, but after going through 4+ crap-therapists, I don't know if it's for me.
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