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Fed up of being me

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Fed up of being me

Postby snookiebookie » Sat Oct 20, 2018 11:28 am

Hi

Feeling under pressure and threatened

I changed job recently. It was a gruelling interview, and I couldn't seem to say the right thing. They wanted someone to deal with all sorts of billing. They even mentioned training me on the difficult billing and me meeting the companies who supply us with the work, as a bit of marketing - to show how efficient were are.

Despite having a terrible interview, I got the job. Being very unhappy at my job, I jumped at the chance.

On my first day, the guy that was training me, was rushing. So, I kept asking that he slow down and let me do the work on the computer (I find that I remember things better). He just kept on. Thankfully, the next day someone else trained me - and I picked it up really well.

Since then, the guy who trained me on day one is the only one who has trained me (he's the only one who knows that information). I find him very snooty, and reluctant to give information. Sometimes, I need to ask three or four questions to get the full story, he doesn't volunteer information readily.

A few weeks ago, this guy said that he was going to do the difficult bills. So I spoke to my team leader. She agreed that as far as she was aware, I was supposed to be doing them.

It's taken a few weeks, but its been decided that he is to do this difficult work. This really triggered me: feeling passed over, inadequate and powerless. However, I reasoned that I didn't really ever l want the responsibility, especially as I can make mistakes and I'm phobic of mistakes.

What made it worse, is that three or four of the other tasks are already dealt with by other people. So I spoke to my team leader to point this out. I wanted it to be reflected in my training record. I don't want to be criticised at appraisal time. I pointed out that the job had changed/shrunk from what was discussed at the interview. She said as long as I was happy, then she I'd happy with what I'm doing. And if I run out of work, she'd find me more work.

Then today, a colleague, who does a different type of billing, referred to when she was going to learn my kind of billing. Also referred to another task that I thought I was going to be doing. I feel fed up. Everyone seems to be wanting a piece of my job.

It's passed my probationary period, but I've not yet had my review. My team leader is now on maternity leave. So it's not possible to speak with her. I can raise it with her cover, but she'll not know much as she's only been here a few weeks.

On top of all this, I'm making mistakes. I'm petrified they'll sack me. Most are simple ones - g typos, wrong dates, not noticing stuff. These things I can correct. But I've made a couple of errors that have been spotted. So I'm worried that someone is going to tell me off. That'd be quite triggering.

I try not to rush, but I there is an extensive backlog, that was there when I started the job. I try and check everything, but I'm still making a few mistakes. I try and say to myself that compared to the work that I do, it's a low amount. But I just feel that I can't do right for doing wrong. My memory is terrible. Because I feel so emotional and wound up, I'm finding it hard to focus.

I've spoken to my husband, and he thinks I'm over reacting. But I feel that wherever I work, I will be manipulated, walked over, inner appreciated, bullied. Also, that no matter what I do, I'm make mistakes, which trigger me, and made people think I'm incompetent and can't be trusted with any responsibility.

Given previous bad experiences, I'm sensitive and go into freeze mode. I then either fester, it deal with the situation badly - looking like I'm over semi-emotional, highly stung or irrational. Add usually this ends with me not getting what I want, because I look like I can't cope.

Sorry for the ramble, I'm not feeling very logical at the moment.

I'm feeling like I'm constantly hyperaroused all the time.
No official DX but I still struggle with mental health issues constantly.
Symptoms of Social and Generalised Anxiety Disorder.
Strongly identify with Avoidant Personality Disorder.
Feel that I possibly have some kind of emotional trauma/Complex PTSD.
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snookiebookie
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Re: Fed up of being me

Postby realityhere » Sat Oct 20, 2018 6:41 pm

"I'm feeling like I'm constantly hyperaroused all the time."

The feeling of being on edge all the time seems to rob your concentration at work. That feeling may possibly go farther back to issues in your childhood, a possible form of emotional self-defense? Have you considered therapy for dealing with your perceptions of stress and underappreciation?
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Re: Fed up of being me

Postby snookiebookie » Sat Oct 20, 2018 6:50 pm

Yes, I think you're right about why I can't concentrate. And I do have a history of childhood trauma, and trauma in my adult years too.

I've had lots of therapy over the years...yet I still struggle....
No official DX but I still struggle with mental health issues constantly.
Symptoms of Social and Generalised Anxiety Disorder.
Strongly identify with Avoidant Personality Disorder.
Feel that I possibly have some kind of emotional trauma/Complex PTSD.
User avatar
snookiebookie
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 416
Joined: Thu Sep 26, 2013 8:47 pm
Local time: Mon Mar 25, 2019 1:55 am
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Re: Fed up of being me

Postby realityhere » Sun Oct 21, 2018 12:21 am

snookiebookie,

Everyone makes mistakes, and on the flip side of the coin everyone has some kind of talent or ability to offer the world. If you're one who likes figuring out how numbers and charges add up, keep reminding yourself that you can do this job well despite the rush to get billing done. What costs the company more, slow and thorough billing work versus sloppy and skimpy billing work that the company has to review and re-do?

Turning your focus on the positive things you like about your job can be a game-changer in one's self-confidence. Asking others (despite an absent boss) on a regular basis about your job performance can keep you grounded on what you need to improve on and what you can control. Others in your workplace will pick up the efforts you're making and start giving you more responsibilities in your position, perhaps helping you move up. Dwelling on others' moving up is not gonna help you advance in your workplace-- concentrate on your efforts, not others'.
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Re: Fed up of being me

Postby Neverfeelaccepted » Mon Oct 22, 2018 4:16 am

I am fed up of being me too. :cry:
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