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Postby Nagro » Mon Oct 01, 2018 11:26 pm

Yo

I'm a guy that is very insecure about appearance and so on and I always search for acceptance in other people. But I usually take a great of offend from not getting acceptance. I usually become sad n stuff.

I hate my foster home. I feel like I've never lived with anyone that ACTUALLY loves me, like a son or a brother. I think about that sometimes and it makes me really sad, especailly considering that everyone was hyping this foster home up for me. And I was really happy and got an image that that foster home was my new life. It took a turn after like, 2 months. That's when I first got mad at them. I really really try to avoid to swear to people in an argument cause I know it will just make it worse, same with personal offend.

Cause I don't really stand for anything. It makes me not find meaning with life. I just am, I don't love anyone. No one loves me. Everything just is. Pretty hillarious when I'm typing it right now (don't know why I just felt that way). When I'm tired, like, really tired I usually hear people talk and $#%^. I can also see stuff that isn't existing. I started getting Abilify (the medication) for hallucinations when I lied to people that I could hear and see stuff (at least I think I lied I don't really know). Now I'm decreasing my dose of it. And it seems like whenever I'm tired now I ACTUALLY hear stuff, and see. It makes me extremely scared. Cause I can see light without it being there and $#%^. Or randomly I can hear someone knock on the door, or someone yelling but in a low volume to my earphones. But only when I'm tired.

As said before I don't love my foster home, often I actually dislike them. I perceive them as manipulative and non-caring. Manipulative as in I KNOW 100% that they've said stuff to me. And they lie to my face and say that they/I have "Never heard him/her/me say that" that's usually what they say. They go like "Why would I say that I've never said that before"... yeah, that makes sense doesn't it. Actually it does but not in my situation. They trust each other so much, but not me and when I tell them that they say that I don't trust them. They always turn the words or switch the entire arguments. Often even saying they've experienced it the same way as me but against me. F.ex I can say "I feel like you aren't nice to me" they always say "Well, I feel like you aren't nice to me". When I tell my friend about it he usually say like, "give up" or "stop rebelling" or find "something to feed of on instead of them" (Just to clarify by feeding I mean more like surviving). I really want a nice home. My friend thinks I want THE home. Like, a perfect home. I'm not really sure what I want. But I think and hope that I want a home that is nice, not manipulative and not non-caring.

The foster-parents literally said "If you aren't nice to us why should we be nice to you". 10 seconds earlier they're going on on how I am paranoid and $#%^ when I just showed them a letter of my feelings. I typed them down and showed it to them cause I thought that then I wouldn't have to get interrupted all the time. But they just got mad and started saying how much I'm paranoid. I'm going to tell you there was ONE thing that could be considered "paranoid". And that's when I said that the mother in the family has a much worse tone against me than everyone else in the house.

I question my sanity a lot. And I think it's a mixture of them or/and my previous Narcissistic abuse I had from my previous friend. It always starts with gut feelings and then it becomes something I can't ignore. Like, I always ignore the gut feeling first. But when they've tested my limits to the maximum peak they've ever seen a human being tolerate they go for it. That's when I'm done as a person. That's when their plan is fulfillied. And all that is left is to do it. My previous friend (or the manipulative NPD dude) completely destroyed my self-confidence that I actually had back then for 2 years. I had talked with general douchebags before that but not anything near the emotional psychological terror this was. I was like one of his followers that he could just take out all his feelings at. Anyways.

Somtimes I think I have NPD and sometimes I think I have ASD. Right now it feels like a black creature with four legs is standing on the roof looking at me. I'm so scared I really just wanna call for someone. I'm so extremely scared I hear noises and $#%^. The black creature has no hair and looks like a human. I can't see anything when I look above me but I imagine it going somewhere so that I can't see it without making noise.


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Nagro
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