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Please Help, Trying To figure Out Something About Myself*tw*

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Please Help, Trying To figure Out Something About Myself*tw*

Postby Peepersie » Mon Sep 24, 2018 3:57 am

As much as I do not want to type up my entire life story here in order to get the answers I need I think I will have to.
{Just inserting here that I am 19 and female as I forgot to mention}

First I must say, I am done with doctors in regards to my mental illness. None of the doctors I have had have ever agreed on anything and I have had many, many different diagnoses.

I started showing issues around the end of kindergarten to the start of grade 1. I was diagnosed around the time I was in the first grade with ADD and not long after diagnosed with ADHD. I was then put on medication. Things went on a downward spiral from there.
I was bullied by everyone at my first school from grade 1 to grade 3. I did have one friend however although we lost touch when I moved.

There were many less serious in comparison issues in those years. The more concerning issues happened after the move.

We moved to a new house across town when I was 9. I was just starting grade five. I will summarize what happened there quickly as I do not wish for this to take too long before I get to the point. Basically I had no friends, because I was and still do have great difficulty socializing with others. The only student who paid attention to me was a boy who both physically and verbally bullied me. The teachers did nothing because I was at the time a compulsive liar. I also started becoming increasingly violent. The worst it came to was me throwing a chair at the principle.
I only spent a year at that school because of my violent outbursts before being expelled. I spent a month at the psych ward of a lovely and very well run children's hospital.
While I was there I was diagnosed with Childhood Bipolar Disorder.
I am sure that up to this point I had my medication tinkered with and changed many times. Since I was young I do not remember the specifics of that.

I then spent some time after that at some type of rehabilitation school for troubled kids. It was a bad experiance over all and I was phased out having failed their program. The most notable thing about that time is that that is when my homicidal thoughts really started coming to a head.

I forgot to say earlier in regards to homicidal thoughts that I first started having them when I was nine. That was when I first had a really good understanding of what it meant to kill somebody. I became obsessed with trying to figure out the perfect way to do it. As a nine year old I would pull my chair as close to the tv as I could and watch gruesome forensics shows that showed real mutilated corpses. And I felt nothing. It frightened me a bit at first. That something like that may happen to me someday. But the thought of it happened to somebody else meant nothing to me. I simply could not empathize with them. And when I realized a picture could not hurt me I would just sit and stare. I was not grossed out or repulsed. Just fascinated.

There was a second stay at the children's hospital after phasing out of the rehabilitation program. I was diagnosed as being somewhere on the autism spectrum. That was later on specified as being Asperger's.

When I was twelve my parents sent me to live somewhere else because I became too much for them to handle. They were and still are wonderful people who treat me well and did there best. None of this is their fault.

It upset me at first but I was glad I did because I had been planning on killing them and my brothers. Also on that note while I was at my second school I snuck a serrated knife with me planning to kill a few specific people that were on the bus. I forget why I did not end up using it.

Not much notable happened in highschool. I was living with a different family while visiting mine on the weekends. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder.

I do not wish to speak of the new family I lived with as the situation became very abusive and toxic over time. I just got out of there and it is all to fresh. They drove me to the point of trying to light myself on fire along with there house. I have ample reason to blame this on them. The situation was so ###$ up and it makes me cry just typing this. I am not the type to joke about suicide nor threaten it to try to manipulate people. I told the person I was living with that the way they were treating me made me hate myself and made me want to die. They used to tell me that I would be a complete failure in life, that I would always be fat, never be able to live on my own, drive or get a job. They said I would never be a real artist even though I already was. They treated me like complete scum nonstop and it only got worse as time progressed. At the start things were okay there. I do not know why it changed.
I used to have thoughts about tying them up and torturing them until the were crying and apologizing for the pain they caused me. I thouhght that perhaps if I could show them pain they would understand the terrible way they made me feel since words did not work.

I am 19 now. Since last October I have had five stays in three different hospital psych wards. I am living on my own now in an apartment and am receiving money to help me live.

I am currently diagnosed with Autism, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and an Anxiety Disorder.

I think I am broken, perhaps a sociopath.

I have never been able to feel sympathy or empathy towards people. I can somewhat empathize with young kids but I still find it harder to do so than I can with animals. Animals are the only living beings that I truly love and can empathize with. I can't empathize with kids because I know they will grow up to be adults and I will most likely hate them.

I am a kind person who has learned to not hurt others but I do not consider myself to be a good person. You can present yourself as being kind and nice without being good.

I have a very difficult time caring about the needs of people other than myself. I don't know why it just is. I can do terrible things without feeling remorse. I do however feel paranoia about what the consequences may be if I am caught so I have learned not to do stuff like that. I have never been one to steal.
As a young child I had sadistic tendencies that I recognize now that my parents did not realize.

I spend most of my time hidden in my apartment. I am far from being an introvert. If I am in public I have no problem interacting with others if I think doing so is of benefit to me. I have no close friends in real life. This fact does not bother me nor does it make me feel lonely. I feel no desire to have friends or be in a relationship. If I wanted to I could I just don't. I am close with my parents and brothers and if I am socializing or outside of my house when it is not necessary I am usually with them. I simply do not like being social.

What is troubling me the most is my complete lack of a conscience. Having no remorse sympathy or regret. I tried religion. That did not help me develop a conscience. I know right from wrong and I abide by the law. I just feel like there is something wrong with me because I do not feel some very vital things that others do. People around me have died in my life and I have always felt nothing for them. I was depressed for weeks when my dog died however.

I am going to end this here as this is already too long. Do any of you know what is wrong with me?

I am willing to answer any and all questions that are asked.
Last edited by seabreezeblue on Wed Sep 26, 2018 8:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: added trigger warning to title, no further changes..
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Re: Please Help, Trying To figure Out Something About Myself*tw*

Postby CanFrogsHaveBPD » Wed Sep 26, 2018 9:45 pm

We can't give any ideas as to what might be wrong with you, it's against the rules to offer anything that resembles a diagnosis. I can say that I don't think it's all that important to have a "natural" conscience. Is it better to be a good person because your neurology holds you at remorsepoint and forces you to, or because you decided to be a good person despite having nothing to stop you? Having no conscience doesn't necessarily mean you're dangerous either, normal people can commit all the same atrocities that psychopaths can, the only difference is normal people need to feel justified in doing it. If you want to know what you have, you'll need to visit a psychologist.
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Re: Please Help, Trying To figure Out Something About Myself*tw*

Postby margharris » Thu Sep 27, 2018 2:17 am

You have forgotten your own goodness. Do what feels good to you should be your guiding principle. Let your belief in the diagnosis be less important. It is not through this form of knowing that you will find your answer.
Revenge in the form of homicidal thoughts does feel better than despair. But it is not as good as hope. So focus on what you really would like. Trying to make that focus be on the positive end of the stick is likely to create a better outcome for you. Being more connected to a positive image of yourself is likely to help build your awareness and appreciation of others. You have got to know yourself and how wonderful you are before that can come for others. I do really believe that.
Having a loving family is so good for you. Stay hopeful. Marg
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Re: Please Help, Trying To figure Out Something About Myself*tw*

Postby Headhoncho » Fri Oct 05, 2018 12:50 am

Hi, it seems like you might be holding on to trauma from your past that haven’t fully healed yet which is the reason why you tend to associate negative connotations with new people you meet. To me, this also make sense because animals are the only creatures that haven’t bullied you, neglected you or make you feel bad about yourself. Reading your story deeply hurt me inside and I created a profile to respond to your post... although you had a troublesome past and negative thoughts, I don’t think anything is “wrong” with you. You just need unconditional love but it starts within first.

Once you build that unconditional love and confidence for yourself, I think it would be best not to label yourself with the negative terms you mentioned. If you want to build empathy, I believe you can. If you want to feel remorse, I believe you can also. If you want to get rid of homicidal thoughts, you can do so as well. You can program your mind to believe anything you want because you’re the only one in control of it. You can change your thoughts, learn new skills, and refrain yourself from doing certain behaviors (just like the resistance you mentioned earlier today) I can write a book as a response but basically what I wanted to say is that you’re a special human who has greatness within you. That greatness shine by reading this post and seeking for a positive outlet. First stage is acceptance. Next stage is to find a solution for the changes you would like to make... some day you might find someone you can trust again. A wise man once told me “If he shows you more genuine love than you initially show him, then the love is real”
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Re: Please Help, Trying To figure Out Something About Myself*tw*

Postby FrederickA » Sat Oct 06, 2018 11:27 pm

Hi Peepersie,
I believe the previous posters have addressed most if not all major points and delivered good arguments, so I shall argue only from my personal experience and thought patterns as a complement to what has already been said. And, as the first poster pointed out, we do not offer diagnoses, so this shall be but my PERSONAL opinion.

I have always found the concept of "empathy" odd. That which someone else feels is not that which you yourself feel, there is always a disconnect between both experiences. And as such there is no logical impulse to actually care about someone else that is not you (by default). Which has led me to question my own antisocial tendencies as you also have.

However, echoing the first replier's wise words, "Is it better to be a good person because your neurology holds you at remorsepoint and forces you to, or because you decided to be a good person despite having nothing to stop you?". Or, if you are into videogames, quoting Paarthunax from Skyrim, "What is better? To be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?". One can choose to incorporate others' views and feelings into one's equation for a driving force, with a weight comparable to ours, fully simulating any "natural" empathy drives, and even showing a possibly "better" nature by taking the effort to care, rather than lean on said biological programming. Is the will to choose not the fundamental property that makes us "human"?

In your case, your past experiences have certainly left you with a poor vision on what humanity has to offer, and any resentment and disconnect you feel can probably, at least in part, be traced back to this (as the last poster pointed out). But your display of caring about this is issue and worrying about your inner goodness is, I would say, one of the clearest displays of ACTUAL CONSCIENCE I have witnessed. Would a truly evil person care about whether or not they were such a thing?

Overall, I would argue your willingness to pose those very questions shows your inner goodness exists, as do your concern for fragile, unaware creatures incapable of evil, like babies and animals. If you are not convinced by all means do consult a professional, just know whatever labels are slapped on your forehead do not define you as what you are, and that you are always welcome to come chat in these forums.

Finally, I do not have any specific questions (and am also guilty of writing for too long :) ), but I would encourage you to share anything else you feel like. Best of luck!
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