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Was I emotionally neglected?

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Was I emotionally neglected?

Postby CanFrogsHaveBPD » Wed Sep 19, 2018 12:37 pm

I always had physiological necessities (food, water, temperature regulation, etc.) met and my mother wasn't purposely ignoring me, we just never talked much. I have autism and have problems reaching out for help or initiating interactions, at some point when I was still fairly young we had drifted apart to the point that we only talked when circumstances caused it, never just for the sake of talking.

On top of that I barely had any friends, so the majority of my time from roughly 6-7 onwards was spent alone until I got a gaming system around 10 and got online friends from multiplayer games. I was emotionally abused by a pedophile I met online for around 1-2 years and my mother never had any idea it was going on until I realized it was abuse and told her many years later. She didn't seem particularly concerned, just made a "hmm" sound, didn't bring it up again or ask if I was okay. It would explain a lot about my current mental state, but I look at very serious cases of neglect and wonder if I can really consider myself to be neglected.
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Re: Was I emotionally neglected?

Postby margharris » Thu Sep 20, 2018 2:10 am

I wouldn't think telling yourself you have been emotionally neglected would be a good idea. It is as though there is a judgement that is right to be made. I doubt there would be any benefit in that. It just allows you to justify you feeling bad now. But you alone do have the power over what you let yourself focus on. There are more rewarding things to focus on and more rewarding things to think about. So let it be..whatever happened is OK. People these days are very different and our standards are very different. Most likely they did their best with what they knew. It feels better to not judge others and you are wanting to feel better. Marg
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Re: Was I emotionally neglected?

Postby Alixr7 » Thu Sep 20, 2018 8:26 am

Yes, I think you were emotionally neglected. I think it warrants you seeking out mental health counseling. You don't say much about the rest of your life regarding your relationship with your parents other than this one instance, but even if we only consider the fact that you told your mother that you thought you had been focused on by a predator and her only response was 'hmmm'; then by that fact alone I would say you had been neglected and to please seek help.
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Re: Was I emotionally neglected?

Postby CanFrogsHaveBPD » Thu Sep 20, 2018 3:06 pm

margharris wrote:*snip*

You're right that it wouldn't be healthy to use this knowledge to justify feeling bad, I intend to use it to help recovery and feeling better in the future. An important part of that is to decide whether or not I was really neglected or am just overreacting to a parental relationship that wasn't close, but wasn't pathologically distant either. If it's the former, then I can start working on plans to recover from neglect. If the latter, I know what's not wrong with me and can direct efforts elsewhere. I won't be holding any grudges against my mother either, wouldn't fix anything.

Alixr7 wrote:*snip*

There's not much to say about my relationship with my mother, we never talked much. I have sought help before, but I hadn't yet thought about neglect and never mentioned it to the psychologist. I'll wait until I have a job to seek help again, it makes me feel like a burden to have my mother take me.
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Re: Was I emotionally neglected?

Postby margharris » Fri Sep 21, 2018 10:14 pm

The perspective you are taking at the moment on your mother is negative. From that vantage you can only assess negatives. Your relationship was not close and did not allow the level of communication you would have liked. That is the facts you already see. This dynamic might lead you to believe the relationship was not rewarding from both sides. You then take away the message you are a burden, almost invisible and very much alone.
So what I am trying to say is that you might desire a much closer relationship with your mother but truly believe you can never have it. That is the issue now and now is all you have got. Maybe its a simple hug that you would want but tell yourself you could never have.
Wish you better. Marg
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Re: Was I emotionally neglected?

Postby Zigzagoon » Sat Sep 22, 2018 10:02 am

That.... actually sounds like a lot like my mom and my relationship with her, especially with the autism and even the pedophile bit. (Except well, I was groomed in real life, but not telling her about the grooming until way later is similar.) My mom has been on a lot of work trips for as long as I can remember, and when she's home she drinks and I absolutely cannot talk to her. It's like I only have time to talk to her for maybe 2-3 hours a day.

And yet, even when she's home and available, I used to kinda just... took it for granted and not talk to her anyway. I just grew up not thinking family was important or cool. And now I mostly feel feelings of resentment of her because I never felt like she cared about me. I even did ask the same question to my friends about whether I was emotionally neglected.

So *shrug*
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