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Mental Health Issues

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Mental Health Issues

Postby baileyboy » Mon Sep 03, 2018 8:57 pm

Hi there,

I'm new to this forum so I am not 100% sure if this should go here, but nevertheless here I go;
I am bad at structuring paragraphs so please read the whole thing, as some important details may be lurking around somewhere. I am wondering if anyone if anyone had had similar experiences or knows about the things I'm about to explain. Before I begin I would just like to say that I have already been to see a professional but I've been put on a waiting list for many months with no actual information about what is going to happen or what this could be.

For the past couple years my mental state seems to have been declining. I've noticed I've not really been caring about things, getting annoyed at things more often and just generally feeling depressed. I think it started around the time I was doing my GCSEs in school. I was always someone who did extremely well in school and got the highest grades without really trying, so I was just breezing through school without much care. But there was this time in an English class I distinctly remember when I thought to myself "Wait. What I am doing. I don't want to be doing this anymore. I don't care about this $#%^." but I also had another feeling that seemed to try to repress this sudden repulsive feeling as if I suddenly manifested two mindsets at the same time. I was strange but I wouldn't go so far as to say it was too serious. Anyway it was at this point where I seemed to notice change in me. I slowly started to care less about my exams or doing well. I cared less about doing things in general.

In the past few months it's getting much worse. My family relationship seems to be declining (I still live at home). What makes matters worse is that all other members of my family suffer from depression and my dad just generally had mental health issues which makes him a very volatile person.

I should also point out that I've always been an introverted person. I show hardly any emotion and only talk when I absolutely must. I don't know why I do this, it's just the way I am I guess. This is also another issue I face as I really do want to interact with other people, but I just tend to keep still and quiet to the point where even people sitting next to me seem to forget I'm even there. My peers even say that I'm like a robot in the sense that I have all the answers but when I say things I don't appear to have any apparent emotion. When I think I'm smiling I then look in the mirror and see only the slightest flex in the oral commissures. I think subconscious I want everyone to have a neutral viewpoint on me. What I mean by this is that I don't want to stand out, I don't want to have qualities that make me inherently make me have to interact with people much. Don't get me wrong I love being around people, just as long as I'm in the background just taking in the experience, not the one actually experiencing. I should also mention that I've had a stutter all my life so this may also be another reason I tend not to talk that much at all.
I think this has made me avoid relationships or even using much social media. Everyone around me is posting photos of themselves on snapchat, instagram and facebook then also popping up to girls and doing all that social and intimate relationship, but I have no will to do so. Part of my feels like it would be nice to be in a relationship, but the other part of me recognises that it would be pointless. I don't have any desire to show affection to anyone so why would anyone want to hang around someone like that. Part of me sees it as a hassle and a waste of time, money and effort.
I only post the occasional cat photo like once a year, but deep down I really do want to change. My issue is that I despise change. Everything has to be the same, I have to follow a loose set daily schedule. I think deep down I have a fear of changing something that people will notice and being about a social interaction, which I have no idea why I don't want, but I don't. At points I feel like posting a photo of myself online, but this other feeling I have is saying "No. You don't need to. It will be on the internet forever. No one will like it. Everyone will find it strange that after all this time you suddenly upload a selfie".
There is also the related issue where I have no passion or desire to do or achieve anything. I'm in sixth form at the moment and need to decide on what I want to move onto. My grades are excellent and I'm practically at the top of all my classes so I would be perfectly capable with going to any university, but I just don't have that passion or motivation. I feel as though that social environment would not suit me because of the aforementioned reasons. Additionally it's like I don't really feel the same emotions as most other people. There are a lot of things people are passionate about or have strong (or even just mild) feelings for, and I'm here just like "huh? Why are you getting worked up about <insert whatever it is here>." It's just like I have no feeling for it at all. Someone on Britain's got talent for example could have the best voice ever and the people around me are saying "bloody hell she is amazing" "her voice is absolutely stunning.", then I'm just thinking to myself "Yeah it's good I guess, but I wouldn't feel passionate about making my voice heard or even really feeling much about this at all". I even went online to see more extreme videos in the hopes that it would get a reaction out of me, so I watched some videos of people being killed but it didn't even phase me at all. It was as if I didn't really have much empathy or emotion really at all...

There are times when I have physical symptoms to social interaction and change. For instance if someone starts talking to me my mind goes blank and I don't know what to say. I start sweating and my heart-rate skyrockets. I even start shaking it's ridiculous. One time I was waiting for my doctor to call me for a telephone appointment to discuss some of the issues I'm having and she was supposed to call at 20:30. At 20:30 she still hadn't called yet and I started feeling physically sick. The anticipation of not knowing when she would call had me sweating, high heart-rate, feeling nauseous, dizzy and needing to rush to the toilet. It's like I'm fine if I'm expecting something to happen at an exact time and place, but if something is late the anticipation literally makes me unwell. When she did pickup I had no idea what to say because my mind had gone blank from the precious experience. Is sort of like panic and anxiety as discussed with the doctor. But I think this is all related.

I've been looking around online countless times in this past half year trying to find any clues or leads into my issues to at least shed a little light onto what it may be, and a couple stood out to me. First was Asperger's Syndrome. A lot of the symptoms really represent much of the issues that I'm having so I took a few tests online (I know these are by no means a professional diagnostic, but It gave me a vague insight):
*mod edit* Asperger's Test: 'Over 90% Probability of being diagnosed with Asperger's'
*mod edit* Autism Test: 'Borderline or High Functioning Autism'
*mod edit* multiple scores over few months: '38', '42', '45', '39', '41'.
-I have tested on other sites but I can't remember what they were now. All of them had similar scores to these.

The other one, but much less likely would be borderline personality disorder. The sites I tested on said I could have a moderate indication and diagnostic likelihood if I were to get it tested professionally.

Although I may have asperger's, this still doesn't explain the other issues I'm having, like the physical symptoms, the lack of motivation and the general depression of not knowing what I'm doing with my life.

I should also mention that probably about 6 years ago I had a mental health issue that couldn't be explained by anyone. One night I had this gut-wrenching feeling of looming doom out of nowhere. I don't know why it started as there was no trigger or reason for it. I lived in a nice house with a loving family, but this was the start of a couple years of mental pain. I would keep getting this feeling popping up out of nowhere. Anytime and place. Doing things like going to school and completing work would occupy my mind so I wouldn't have that feeling, but when my mind wasn't engaging in something, I would think of having that feeling and just the act of thinking about it alone was the trigger to set it off. If it set off while I was looking at something, that something would also become another new trigger. It was a constant downward spiral that got worse and worse. It was the worse at night because my mind would have nothing else to think about other than the feeling that I had been having, which would set it off. I would hate when it became night time because I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep due to this. I had thoughts of ending it all but had no will or intention to act on it at all. After like half a year it started to become less intense and finally stopped having that feeling after 2 - 3 years. I'm not sure if this is related, but I wanted to include it anyway because it may help?

I think that's everything I can think of off the top of my head. If you are still reading, I apologise for this unorganised, sloppy and long story, but I just needed to get it out there once again in hopes that anyone can make sense of any of this. I posted on other websites but all I got was hate and sarcasm, so I hope here will be different. Thank you very much for reading this!

- baileyboy.
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Tue Sep 04, 2018 11:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited out links that also lead to commercial links as they not allowed as per forum rules
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Re: Mental Health Issues

Postby ItsNotEasy » Mon Sep 10, 2018 2:11 am

Hey,

A lot of the stuff you said about social anxiety and not wanting to do things, I can relate to. But I just want to say you kind of threw off the cuff at the beginning "im on the waiting list to see a professional"

but that cant wait. That is your #1 priority. I've been through a long mental health journey myself, and seen first hand the journeys of friends, family, and significant others. All this other stuff that you have going on, it all starts with seeing somebody. If you are on a waiting list, go somewhere else, if that doesnt work, demand an appointment for an emergency meeting.

All i know is that these things can get out of hand when you least expect them, and you HAVE to make time for treatment now. Like whatever excuses are going off in your head about why you cant see somebody or dont have time or there are roadblocks in your way or whatever- THEY DONT MATTER. go see someone. go talk to someone. it'll help more than you think
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Re: Mental Health Issues

Postby Alixr7 » Thu Sep 20, 2018 8:21 am

To the person who replied to the original post: it's NOT a CHOICE to be on a waiting list. I have been told that 'this country' (England) doesn't believe in psychotherapy and 'good luck' finding any doctor who would help me with that. It was not my choice to receive that sort of response. I still seek help but, officially, I, too, am 'on the waiting list'.
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