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Obsessive thoughts and emotions, repeating memory

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Obsessive thoughts and emotions, repeating memory

Postby Fawnette » Mon Aug 20, 2018 1:06 pm

Okay so... I was here like, two months ago? I made a different thread which really helped me a lot, and... I hope it's okay if I just make a new thread to talk specifically about what seems to be bothering me right now. ^^;

Last time I talked about itemizing and whatever. This time, I feel a need to talk about something that goes on constantly in my head, like...

I dunno, I think part of the problem is that I have difficulty really getting in touch with my emotions? I think I keep trying to rationalize things away, or tell myself that this isn't that important or that that person had a right to act/react that way because of blah blah. The problem is... due to the weird and irritating way my brain seems to want to handle things, it feels like I never truly get over anything and I stay mad and resentful at other people.... even in cases where I know they're sorry or they feel bad enough already, and my own attitude is just making the drama worse.

Thing is, I have been told by people over the years that I tend to talk about the same things over and over again, and I've also been told that I talk in circles. One friend even told me that she could understand why another friend would want to distance himself from my issues, because I "talk around and around without really getting anywhere".

This is something my mother and I seem to have in common, and I'm not sure what the issue is (neither is she), but it seems like... we are highly, highly sensitive, and it sometimes seems like we just find people regularly irritating and sometimes it seems like one mean or stern word from someone is enough to near-traumatize us for the rest of the day.

I guess the reason why I feel so... hurt or slighted when people don't want to sit there and listen to me talk about stuff in circles is because... well, I guess to someone who lives outside/apart from my internal mental and emotional workings, it DOES seem like I'm just talking endlessly or even rediscovering things I've already discovered before. It could be really irritating to other people if they think they just see me stumbling across the same epiphany over and over.

But I guess for me... what other people see as just talking in circles, or "talking around and around and getting nowhere", I feel like I am trying to get EVERYWHERE and explore every facet and every angle, and other people aren't doing enough to follow my flow or go with me on my journey. And trying to redirect me or shut me up is almost like a major slap in the face for me.

Or maybe in some way I am just very spoiled in the midst of my mental issues, because I did get used to some people who once did listen to me over and over again no matter how repetitive it got, to the point where I felt a deep sense of loss when they went away or they no longer had the ability to listen so much anymore. (In this area, even though I hold a fair share of the blame, I also feel resentment not just because I lost my favorite listener, but because I also feel like, "If this person couldn't keep it up forever, I also wish they hadn't spoiled me so much in the first place." I mean, in some cases, some things can be partially the fault of the spoiler, too.)

I really seem to have issues in dealing with other people, though as I said in my former thread, it is suspected I may have aspergers. I think part of my problem is that I am rather routine-oriented, and sometimes when I get exposed to one occurrence, I expect it to happen that way every time I encounter that person in the future... and sometimes, it has been hard for me to understand that just because someone can be sweet and nice sometimes, it doesn't mean they are not gonna have bad moods at other times.

This is probably gonna sound a bit childlike, but... for some reason, I have always felt like people relationships/interactions are easily ruined or tainted. I mean, in some cases it makes sense that when you first meet someone, both parties are gonna be on their best behavior and far more cordial because everything is new, exciting, and a lot of people are taught to be nice to strangers. Then as more time goes by, someone inevitably does something really irritating, or exposes some kind of flaw, or does something that hurts your feelings.

In some ways, perhaps I was sheltered a lot from having to actually deal with other people or their feelings, and I've always been thick-headed enough to where it seems like I just don't get sometimes why someone should be so hurt or upset over my words or actions. But... I dunno.

In the end, I still find myself constantly angry at a lot of other people for things they did and said, and things that hurt me or angered me tend to replay themselves in my brain like a song stuck on replay, taunting and harrassing, even if I haven't spoken to that person for years and even if in some way, they meant no real harm when they did or said whatever it was.

I'm not sure if I have this really bratty or entitled sense somewhere inside of me where I want to be treated like a princess and have everybody just be there to support me and make me feel good, or... what. Maybe in a way, I really am just pretty spoiled. But at the same time... I dunno. I know I have struggled with depression and anxiety, and there have been times when I have googled certain behaviors I've recognized in myself related to anger and certain entitlement attitudes, and I do have the reach the conclusion that aspergers can't be blamed for EVERYTHING, and some of my behavior is probably akin to that of a spoiled brat.

I mean... isn't it possible that even people with aspergers can be spoiled, even if some people around us might make excuses for us and bend over backwards to accommodate a desire for routine and to be responded to in a certain way, just so we can function? :/

In the end... I guess I have to say that I'm mad at other people for not making me feel good all the time, for having opinions and ways of doing things that differ from what I wanted, and I can't forgive them because they proved they weren't perfect when they hurt my feelings or made me upset sometimes.

Maybe I have some narcissistic tendencies. Someone suggested that to me once. I have also found that sometimes... I do think of other people almost like toys, objects I want to have around for pleasure, and if they become boring I want to just put them on the shelf until I'm ready to deal with it again... and I have also been known to have a certain amount of possessiveness, like... I've never acted upon this attitude in any real way (except for getting a bit screechy and bratty) but I also have a problem with someone else having that person and getting more out of the friendship than I did, even in cases where I know I never put much into the relationship myself. (It's like, That one was MINE, why should this other person get to have him?)

I've also found that I tend to easily forget all of the nice and really awesome things that people have done for me, and if they do something that really hurts me, it's almost like I want to wring them through the emotional wringer and get them to grovel to me and I want them to feel really bad and beg me for forgiveness, and I want them to enter a vulnerable state where I can then conform them to whatever I want like puddy in my hands.

...............Again, i think these are kinda like narcissistic tendencies, or at the very least, very, very self-entitled on my part and very, very bratty. Just... I don't know.

I think in some ways, maybe it feels like I always had a lot of needs and desires that were never met, particularly since I grew up in a household where everyone either ignored each other or couldn't really talk about anything civilly without exploding or touching someone else's raw nerve.

In the end, again this is probably gonna sound like an overgrown, spoiled princess, but... i find that I struggle dealing with reality as it is, I feel like I was given a lot of promises in my youth that did not play out (marriage to a great guy, that never happened, and my dad seemed to think highly of me and delude himself into thinking I had the potential to become a manager or businessperson, when in reality I'm more like a scatterbrained bum who can't seem to get motivated to do anything) and... I guess in some ways, I'm still mad and bitter that a lot of stuff was not handed to me on a silver platter by God, or whatever.

Maybe in some stupid way, (perhaps part of it is societal influence), I feel like I should have had the perfect husband dropped on my doorstep. I should have had the way to become a business owner opened up to me like the red sea parting for people to go to the promised land.

Thing is... I can't even say I've had a bad life overall, I've actually gotten a lot of the things I've wanted in life, and I got to do and see mostly what I've wanted and I've gotten most of the things I've prayed for. I guess my problem is that a lot of things aren't as exciting or glamorous as I feel they "should have been" or a lot of things I thought I wanted most actually turned out to be really superficial.

In the end... I just wish I could get over myself, and I wish I could forget the stuff that some people said to me years ago that hurt my feelings. I'm sure they have already forgotten it, and I'm sure that if most of them could see me now, still mad and stewing over some simple things that they said ten years ago, they'd probably shake their heads and tell me to get a life.

Even though... to return to what I said earlier in this post, that has always felt like a slight to me, because I guess I feel... owed? Entitled? If someone hurts my feelings, I have generally felt that they owe it to me to get down on the ground and roll around with me in my own head and emotions until I'm somehow satisfied. Even though most people are far more direct, they don't have the time or energy to sit there for hours or days to rehash or oversimplify every angle of one issue, and they have jobs and other things in their life that take higher priority--rightfully so.

I dunno. If anybody has any comments or insights, please let me know. :/ I'm just tired of my brain hating/resenting people for hurting my feelings or not doing things my way, and I'm just... it's like I kinda want social interaction, but at the same time I don't because I'm a highly anti-social introvert and I don't really like interacting with people as much anymore because *GASP* they might want to talk about something or do something that I have zero interest in, when all I wanna do is talk about my latest obsession and have everyone who's with me follow the same river current as my own brain.
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Re: Obsessive thoughts and emotions, repeating memory

Postby MellonCollie » Mon Aug 20, 2018 4:02 pm

Hey Fawnette,

The part of being easily hurt by people, I'm not too sure about (I'm a total doormat, but I'm working on that). But I can relate with the feeling of talking in circles and thinking that you're kind of all over the place. (Call me out if I'm totally missing the point, please.) To me, that sounds like some characteristics of depersonalization. Not being able to communicate how I'm feeling and kind of chasing my thoughts was one of the big things that pointed me in that direction.
Again, if this doesn't seem 100% right to you or anyone else, please let me know.

I hope you're able to figure things out and get more answers.
AJ & Max
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Re: Obsessive thoughts and emotions, repeating memory

Postby MisterStar » Wed Aug 22, 2018 1:23 am

I have the exact same problem. :?
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